"Sorry Sir, But Your Daughter Dyed By Her Own Hand..."

Okay, I've been holding this in for a long time, and I figured that I should just let it out (I'll explain later):

WOMEN AROUND THE WORLD: STOP DYEING YOUR HAIR!!!

I've got this problem with people that dye their hair ridiculous colors (that's colours in Canada and Europe). Stop that! And don't try to quantify your need to draw attention to yourself with crap like, "Hey man, I'm just expressing myself..." or, "I'm just being me...". Hey, if you want to express yourself, there's an Interpretive Dance class being taught at your local community college (all you need is a love of dance and hot Pink tights!), and if you're just being who you are, you don't need your hair to be as pink as a Baboon's ass, now do you?

Also, I have a problem with these female actors that are dyeing their hair Blonde. Look, Jessica Alba is hot, no doubt, but she was hotter as a Brunette. Lindsay Lohan, on the other hand, is a redhead, which you can tell by the cartoonish amount of freckles that she has... her being a Blonde is redundant. Redheads (no offense here) are the whitest of the White people... why would they want to be whiter than they already are? All you've accomplished at this point Lindsay is looking more and more like the Albino guy in The Da Vinci Code, alright?

There was a poll held two years ago that said that 85% of men would rather take a Brunette home to meet their parents than Blondes, so why would you want to dye your hair? There has long been a commonly-held fallacy by Americans that Blondes lack any brains whatsoever. I don't personally think that, but most of the shallow and manipulative girls that I met growing up were Blondes, and most kids know that Blonde girls typically get more positive attention and preferential treatment from their peers and authority figures... regardless of how attractive they actually are. So, if guys are only dating Blondes in order to penetrate their many body cavities, and most women know that, what's the reason for all the hair-dyeing?

I just don't get it... can anyone help me out here?

"Shame, Shame, Joe..."

I've been keeping an eye on the Lamont/ Lieberman Congressional Democratic Primary in Connecticut, and Ned Lamont, a wealthy businessman from Connecticut beat Joe Lieberman, an incumbent Democratic (that's what he says...) Senator that has been in Congress for around 18 years, on top of being on the 2000 Presidential Election ticket with Al Gore.

Here's the thing: Lieberman has had an impressive political career, of that I have little doubt. But, that's not the issue here. A friend of mine once told me (being Jewish himself), that Lieberman would be a Conservative Republican, but he's a Jew... so he can't really join the club. As far as politics go, Joe is basically already a Republican; he's for censoring music and video games (from the 1980's to present), he tells everyone to get behind the President (since he's always in front of him... under his desk), and now, with him being beat by Lamont... he reveals the last tell-tale signs: Greed, Selfishness and Duplicity.

Look Joe... you lost. That's the way it works some times... sure, there was only a 6% or so chance that you would lose, but that's still a chance. Turns out that you lost due to your own stupidity... so suck it up, dickhead.

Ned Lamont may end up being a great Senator, or he may not... but at least he sees that having you in office wasn't helping anyone, and that you weren't representing Democrats the way you should've been.

Now, with Joe having lost the Democratic Primary, he's filing papers to switch parties so that he can still be in the running for the Senate.

What the fuck is wrong with you, Joe?!

You lost, asshole. Now you're going to manipulate the system in order to do what? "End Partisan Politics"? You've been doing it in the favor of the President for six fucking years! You're part of the opposition party to the President and he kisses you in public?!

That alone is a good sign that you don't belong anymore, Joe... you're a pathetic, compromised Democrat.

Do yourself a favor... R-E-T-I-R-E.

Or, who knows, maybe Ned Lamont will have to beat you AGAIN. And getting beat once sucks... imagine how embarrassing the second time will be.

"Let's Get Ready To Mumble!!!"

I find that my Mom and Step-Dad are my comic muse the more that I'm around them.

At the reception for my Aunt DeeDee and now-Uncle Larry I decided to try out the punch. It was the best "Church Punch" that I've ever almost gagged on while drinking it in a Baptist Church in Hanford, CA. And when I call it "Church Punch", that's pretty much what it is: a punch that comes out of some drum in the church kitchen and tastes like sickly-sweet death. Of course, they didn't forget to throw in some slices of Orange in there as well to sweeten the pot. Seriously, what the hell is the Orange for? Looks or function? Because it doesn't do much for either, and to be quite honest, I don't relish the thought of slowly-rotting fruit floating in something that I'm expected to drink since there aren't any water fountains readily available.

I mentioned this to my parents as we sat with my Aunt Cindy (close to the exits as always), and my Mom thought it was pretty funny. So, since I love making my Mom laugh, a part of my mind goes into comic mode and I end up making observations that would make even the most Liberal Baptist blush, if not start frantically throwing Holy Water at me while screaming, "The power of Christ compels you!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!"

Here are some of the things that I said to no less than three relatives at a time:

1.) "Y'know, I tried to get pregnant, but all I got out of it was a sore throat."

2.) "Hey Mom, you know what I like about churches? Trying to figure out which person is into Bondage."

3.) "Hey Bob, aren't the Baptists the ones that are required to try to convert Jews with rocks?"

4.) "Hey, don't ask me why I don't have kids yet... I think by now we all know with a high degree of certainty that Todd knows how to use a condom."

Here's the funny thing about my family (Me, Mom and Bob since we were the only ones there) I'm an Atheist, my parents are Jewish, my Mom is a Feminist and Bob is a Psychologist with a twisted sense of humor... that's a sitcom that practically writes itself, for Christ's sake. Mom and Bob are really funny, and when it comes to dancing (should any ever break out) Bob's all ass. He has the dancing technique of the Fly Girls from In Living Color, and apparently, chicks dig it... my Mom can attest to that.

It was the first time that I'd seen my cousins Matt and Sara in about five years, and they both have kids, Sara's pregnant with her second kid, and Matt's getting married to his girl in October. However, I hadn't even heard about Larry (my new Uncle) from anyone... which was kind of weird. Y'know, shaking the hand of the man about to marry your Aunt, and you have no fucking clue who he is! Sure, he seems like a nice enough guy, but nobody knows him! Aaaahhhhh...

Not to mention that I'm the only one of "The Kids" that doesn't already have a kid or in the process of getting married sometime soon, which is a little awkward. They're having conversations about what their kids did that morning, and they look over at me and I say, "Uuhhh... I played Xbox for five hours yesterday." Plus, I'm the second-oldest of "The Kids"... so that makes it a little difficult for people to grasp at times.

To top it all off, I was wearing a black suit without a tie and an open-collar white dress shirt... I basically called it my "Ocean's Eleven" suit. It was an out fit that ended up looking like that on accident actually... the dress shirt wasn't tucked in because I brought the wrong pants (too small around the waist) and I forgot my favorite tie. Oops... everone makes mistakes.

Ah well, I gotta go... there's a foot-long Cold-Cut Combo with my name all over it.

Take care of yourselves and the people that you give a damn about... as for those you don't give a damn about? Screw 'em.

"Time For A Change?"

Hey everybody. I spent last Thursday through Sunday at my cousin Matt's house (with his fiance' and three beautiful children) in Visalia, CA (a half-hour South of Fresno in Central California) and while we were in the garage one night, Matt asked the following question: "So, when're you gonna move up here, man?!"

That started me thinking... why wouldn't I? So I started asking Matt questions about the area, such as rent prices, businesses and development of the community in general.

Oh, man.

The rent there for a two-bedroom apartment is half what my rent is in Lancaster. $475.00 for a two-bedroom apartment. I pay that for just one half of the apartment that I have now! I've always wanted to have my own place, but I've never been able to afford it. If I moved there, and made what I make here, I'd be living on easy street.

As far as business is concerned, Matt told me about how he was unemployed for six months last year, and he said that the main reason why was because a lot of the businesses there like to hire Veterans (which, in this area, they don't) and since he had no military training or experience, that made it tough for him to get to the front of the line for interviews. However, I'm a Veteran and I have military training and experience, so he said if I needed a job, it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

Plus, there's a Navy base close by (Lemoore Naval Air Station) that hires contractors (my new Uncle Larry works there as one) and should have openings for Civil Service (which pays a lot better than what I get paid now) in a job field close to what I do now, which would be nice.

Fresno is 30 minutes away, and has comedy clubs, so I could do Stand-Up again, if I wanted to. There's also a pretty good college there so I could finish my education if I felt so inclined, which I am. But unfortunately, I have a full-time job and taking classes after working all day is a real drain. I know that a lot of people can do it, but I guess that I'm not one of those people. I need to focus on one thing to do it... I have no tolerance for multi-tasking; it just seems like the quickest way to get nothing done to me.

As far as the community goes, there's gangs, but we have plenty of those here, too... so I don't really worry about that. But, as opposed to Lancaster, there is consistent community growth there. Lancaster is a slowly rotting community that is becoming the bedroom of Los Angeles; with everyone buying homes, and no new businesses being built, thus leading to another generation of jobless kids and adults that have to drive an hour in order to find work. It's the reason that I joined the military, for Christ's sake... I couldn't get a job anywhere in town as a kid, and it certainly wasn't for a lack of trying. All the businesses here are dead-end jobs that require you to stock shelves or flip burgers. But, if you're a nurse, there's plenty of opportunity... too bad most people out here aren't nurses.

I guess the key thing is, I've given Southern California plenty of chances in my life to prove itself as being worth living in, and each time I come back, it disappoints me. Not so much my family or friends, but the area itself. Each year the cost of living here jumps up, and wages never increase at a proportionate rate and that ends up choking people out of the area. I don't feel comfortable living in a place like that, and more importantly, I don't think anyone should have to live in a place like that. When you come home, you shouldn't have to worry about whether or not you should pay an essential utility in order to fill your gas tank to drive to work the next day. That's the way that it is right now, and the stress eventually starts to eat away at you to the point that you never relax or enjoy anything like you used to.

Also, I like to move every once and a while to get a fresh start. I think that's a healthy way to live your life, so that it never gets stagnant. But at the same time I know that most people don't like moving for the sake of reliability. So I guess I'm asking, "Who thinks it's a good idea, and who thinks like I do, that it's always good to mix it up now and then?"

So, what do you guys think?