"Racism is like a pair of Plaid Bellbottoms..."

... it's out-dated.

That's right, I said it... Racists are out-dated morons. No, I take that back, they're not morons, imbeciles, cretins, numb-skulls, half-wits, fuck-ups or retards... since that would be an insult to those that actually are one of these descriptive pejoratives. Racism, and those that practice it, need a new insult that applies to them, don't they? I vote for "Dumb-as-dog-shit-itude" to be our new word for someone's who's Racist... think about it. It's a word that reflects what the person is: Dumb as Dog Shit, and says what they have: An attitude problem.

Some dude comes up and says something intellect-sapping, like, "You know, I'm tired of all these goddamn Camel-Jockey Arabs comin' over here and stealin' our jobs!"

And then you just say, "You know what I'm tired of? Your Dumbasdogshititude!" And pull that special weapon (in my case, a cue-ball in a white tube sock) out of your backpack and crack that person on the right hip with it.

Now, I know that many people were thinking, "Hey Todd, why not just hit them in the face?" The answer to that is simple, I watch a lot of Law & Order and I'm pretty sure that if you hit them in the head that's Attempted Murder with a Deadly Weapon, as opposed to hitting them below the waist, which is Assault... and there's no point spending 10 to 20 in the Bootyhouse over an idiot. Plus, if you meet somone like this, it helps to give them a "Reminder" as to why their hip hurts every day as they get out of bed.

Think about it:

One day you wake up, sit up on the edge of your bed, stand up to go to the bathroom and--"Owww!! Shit!!! What the hell?! Why does my hip... oh, that's right, I'm a Fucking Idiot Racist... I almost forgot. I can't believe that guy got off on 'Justifiable Assault'... I was only exercising my First Amendment Rights." True, you can say whatever you want, but sometimes there are consequences to what you say, when what you say displays your Dumbasdogshititude for everyone to hear... like a cue-ball in a sock crushing your hip.

Most of the people that know me that I can't stand Racists for the simple reason that my family is very diverse, and that kind of up-bringing led me to think of the color of someone's skin or the accent to their speech as mere wrapping over the cool gift that person is on the inside.

And there is one final thing that I'd like to mention before I go, and that last thing is: Racists aren't just one color... they're every color.

My Step-Brother Seth mentioned one time that he was up for Jury Duty, and the Prosecutor asked the potential jurors if any of them had been a victim of a "Hate Crime", and Seth raised his hand. Seth is White, just like I am, and like many White kids, he's been attacked for just being White... for us, that's nothing new. But apparently the prosecutor has a very narrow view of what constitutes as a "Hate Crime", and I'm willing to bet that, to him, a "Hate Crime" can only involve someone that has either a certain amount of Melanin in their skin or a certain sexual orientation. Many people still think that White kids can't be vicitms of a "Hate Crime" unless they're Gay.

This is a commonly held fallacy that needs to be addressed in a nation that many still consider "The Great Melting Pot". Racism comes from every person of every nation and every religious belief... and only by understanding that if you took away our languages, religious beliefs and peeled the skin off of our bodies, we're exactly the same. So it's about time people, to move on to a more elevated form of thought that forces you to think of every person as an individual rather than a member of a vague group that only helps to reinforce ignorant stereotypes for those that choose to use those same stereotypes to hurt other people due to their own self-hate and ignorance.

Of course, none of all that happy-talk and "Lets live in peace and harmony, brother!" stuff applies to any actual Racists, though... those assholes and their Dumbasdogshititude can go dig a ditch as far as I'm concerned.

Peace and Hairgrease, everyone!

"9 Months..."

I've been dating the same great woman for the last nine or so months (the longest relationship I've ever been in), without a single argument, nonsensical disagreement or accusation of "Looking at another person". Kristi, my girlfriend, is the most stable woman I've ever dated, and when I say stable I mean that she doesn't act childish or spiteful, doesn't have temper tantrums or hurl invectives like an Underground Battle Emcee. If anything, despite the fact that I'm 5 years older than her, she's far more mature than I am... and I find that disturbing, not that she's mature, but that I'm not. Hmmm... ah, well... no one's perfect.

Every month she has to remind me of how long we've been together, and not because she likes to nit-pick, but since I have trouble remembering my own family's birthdays, let alone something like that. My mind is a treasure trove of useless shit, folks... no kidding. For instance, I know that in issue #42 of the original X-Men comic book series (because Marvel cancelled it until "Giant-Sized X-Men #1" was released with the new, international X-Men) that The Changeling was assassinated while impersonating Professor X, who was away at another location, attempting to stop an alien invasion... but I can't remember my biological Father's birthday, and I end up having to ask my Mom what the birthday of the man that she divorced nearly thirty years ago is.

And that's just fucking sad...

I haven't been in a relationship where we didn't have to do anything to hang out, but in this one with Kristi, I don't have to worry about it... at all... EVER. And on top of that, she's one of the most giving and caring individuals that I've ever known, do you know how cool that is? And here is a sample of our conversations on the phone:

Kristi: "Hey sweety, what're you up to?"

Todd: "Nothing, just watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent. How was your day?"

Kristi: "Oh, it was good... me and Trish are going over to her parents for Dinner, what are you doing tonight?"

Todd: "Probably just working on my comic book... do you want to have Dinner later on in the week?"

Kristi: "We'll see... if not, we can always do something this weekend. Well, I gotta go... I Love You."

Todd: "I Love You , too... drive safe tonight, and I'll call you tomorrow."

Kristi: "Okay... talk to you tomorrow. 'Night"

Todd: "'Night, Honey..."

And that's it! Do you understand how nice it is to not have to spend one or more hours on the phone, talking about every nuance of my day?! I've had so many girlfriends that I had to spend hours talking to on the phone... about nothing! Nothing at all! And to many people, this is considered completely healthy and normal!

Not me... but then again, I'm an artist and a comic, so I guess I like my solitude every once and a while. It helps me to clear my thoughts.

You know, this is the first girlfriend that I haven't had my pre-made "Exit Strategy" handy at all times, and I know that everyone else knows what I mean by that. That means that she is a part of my daily schedule, and I love her family... I've sewn myself into her life, and she's done the same to mine... and I'm not uncomfortable by that... at all. Many of my friends are already married, and I've never given a girl a ring... not even a decorative ring.

I grew up in a "Marriage is about as 'sacred' a vow as it has to be" kind of up-bringing... my Mom got sick of dealing with my Father after 5 years (a long time to be miserable), and my first Step-Dad after 11 years (a really long time to be miserable)... so my view of marriage is one of practicality: As long as it works, you're cool, but sometimes it just won't work, so you have to move on. And I guess that kind of thinking has been kind of a shield against going any further in my relationships with the women that I've been with, but it was always self-imposed... my parents had nothing to do with it.

And to be quite honest, half of the girls that I dated? Bbbrrrrr... I think that they can be best described as "Somewhere between Ann Coulter and The Great Horned One from the eighth Ring of the Inferno"... no shit. I've dated some women that were so twisted that I feared sleeping next to them without a Cross, Vial of Holy Water and a necklace of Garlic... you know, for protection. And I'm not even Christian!

Bottom line, Kristi is one of the coolest friends that I've ever had, besides just being my girl-friend. I've heard many people say that you have to be friends in order for the relationship to work, and I always thought that they were reeking of feces... until I met Kristi.

So here's to you, Hon!