"Worse Than That..."
You know what would be worse than being stuck-up by some addict with an automatic weapon at a McDonalds?
Being the second person in a line of three people getting fast food at 2 AM.
Why? Because, if you've ever been through a drive-thru, you know that the gutters that run along the outer rim of the drive-thru are 8 to 9 inches tall, and there's no way in hell you're going to be able to get away.
So let's run through this in the perspective of Todd, since Odd is the principle part of my name.
You pull in the drive-thru, and you slowly roll up to the talking box with the menu full of shitty food that you know you shouldn't eat, and the person working the register inside asks you what you want. Looking quickly at the menu, your Vegan Mother's voice chimes in, "You know that this shit has the nutritional quality of the mold lining the rim on the inside of your bathroom toilet that you haven't cleaned in three months, right?!" And you think to yourself, "Alright, this stuff is nasty... but what is the least nasty of the things on this menu? The McChicken sandwich is only a Dollar... but is it the best for me? Hmmm... y'know, the Fillet O' Fish may be fast food, but at least it's Fish, right? It's gotta be better than the cheap chicken stuff... why did I watch 'Super-Size Me' so many times? I know this stuff is bad, but I'm coming down from a buzz and need some cheap sustenance... okay, how much cash do I have on me? $3.67... then it's the cheap chicken sandwich made from the genitals of 3,000 innocent members of the Poultry group of the Food Pyramid, then."
Leaning out of the window, you tell the person in the box, "Yeah, I'd like 1 McChicken Sandwich and a Small Fry."
They reply, "Okay sir, that's (enter the after-tax price here)... pull around to the second window...(chhhhrrrrrkkkkk!)"
Pulling up to the next window twenty feet away, you pass the first window and see a small room filled with cups, napkins and boxes of straws and wonder to youself, "Why don't they use that room instead of the second window?! Hmmm..." You hand the cash to a kid that looks like he's way too young to be working this late, and he smiles and starts digging your change out of the register when he suddenly perks up and starts looking around nervously.
"What's up, man?! Is something going on?!" You quickly ask.
"Here's your change sir. Just pull up to the fourth window, and Julia will give you your food. Have a good night." And then you notice something.
The kid is flicking his eyes from you to the ground next to him while breathlessly mouthing the words, "Help, guys with guns."
You pick up your cell and see that because of all the communications equipment at McDonalds, your signal is jammed, and motion to the kid that you're going to call for help and move to the third window.
Pulling up to the next window, you see a drunken Yuppie in an over-priced European car that has three initials, and he's arguing with Julia about how many ketchup packets he got, and refuses to leave until his High Fructose Corn Syrup addiction can be satisfied when you see that another car just pulled up behind you and you realize that there's no way that you can get away.
You also see a kid with one leg of panty hose pulled over his face, pointing a gun at some other kids through the third window and motioning them to stay on the ground.
Honking you horn to get the douche-bag with the self-entitlement complex to just go so you can use your phone to call for help, he leans out his window to give you the same look that you give people that won't shut up in a movie theatre and continues to banter with a woman that probably has a gun to her stomach under the counter like the kid in the second window does.
After she just gives him a pump dispenser from the counter, the second kid in the store with a gun sees that you see him, and is moving towards the third window, pointing his gun as you.
"Great," you think, "I'm gonna fuckin' die at a place that slowly kills more Americans than Tobacco..." When you see the asshole in front of you start to leave and you take off.
Pulling up to the fourth window, you mouth, "I know, and I'm callin' the cops!" To Julia as you get your food; she nods to you as you drive out to the parking lot.
You call the cops and the kids inside are saved...
Now, is it really worth the five dollar savings in the long run if you can be killed for merely being too lazy to cook for yourself?
And that's it for this heaping helping of sarcasm... be good!
Oh, and I'd like to say that I've noticed that a lot of people from around the U.S. and the world have been reading my stuff. Thanks a lot, and I hope you've enjoyed it! Don't be afraid to leave me some comments... and thanks, GW, for your comments.
I'll get back with you about that post I wanted to do about Gay Rights that I mentioned before.
Whooo-Hooo!
Being the second person in a line of three people getting fast food at 2 AM.
Why? Because, if you've ever been through a drive-thru, you know that the gutters that run along the outer rim of the drive-thru are 8 to 9 inches tall, and there's no way in hell you're going to be able to get away.
So let's run through this in the perspective of Todd, since Odd is the principle part of my name.
You pull in the drive-thru, and you slowly roll up to the talking box with the menu full of shitty food that you know you shouldn't eat, and the person working the register inside asks you what you want. Looking quickly at the menu, your Vegan Mother's voice chimes in, "You know that this shit has the nutritional quality of the mold lining the rim on the inside of your bathroom toilet that you haven't cleaned in three months, right?!" And you think to yourself, "Alright, this stuff is nasty... but what is the least nasty of the things on this menu? The McChicken sandwich is only a Dollar... but is it the best for me? Hmmm... y'know, the Fillet O' Fish may be fast food, but at least it's Fish, right? It's gotta be better than the cheap chicken stuff... why did I watch 'Super-Size Me' so many times? I know this stuff is bad, but I'm coming down from a buzz and need some cheap sustenance... okay, how much cash do I have on me? $3.67... then it's the cheap chicken sandwich made from the genitals of 3,000 innocent members of the Poultry group of the Food Pyramid, then."
Leaning out of the window, you tell the person in the box, "Yeah, I'd like 1 McChicken Sandwich and a Small Fry."
They reply, "Okay sir, that's (enter the after-tax price here)... pull around to the second window...(chhhhrrrrrkkkkk!)"
Pulling up to the next window twenty feet away, you pass the first window and see a small room filled with cups, napkins and boxes of straws and wonder to youself, "Why don't they use that room instead of the second window?! Hmmm..." You hand the cash to a kid that looks like he's way too young to be working this late, and he smiles and starts digging your change out of the register when he suddenly perks up and starts looking around nervously.
"What's up, man?! Is something going on?!" You quickly ask.
"Here's your change sir. Just pull up to the fourth window, and Julia will give you your food. Have a good night." And then you notice something.
The kid is flicking his eyes from you to the ground next to him while breathlessly mouthing the words, "Help, guys with guns."
You pick up your cell and see that because of all the communications equipment at McDonalds, your signal is jammed, and motion to the kid that you're going to call for help and move to the third window.
Pulling up to the next window, you see a drunken Yuppie in an over-priced European car that has three initials, and he's arguing with Julia about how many ketchup packets he got, and refuses to leave until his High Fructose Corn Syrup addiction can be satisfied when you see that another car just pulled up behind you and you realize that there's no way that you can get away.
You also see a kid with one leg of panty hose pulled over his face, pointing a gun at some other kids through the third window and motioning them to stay on the ground.
Honking you horn to get the douche-bag with the self-entitlement complex to just go so you can use your phone to call for help, he leans out his window to give you the same look that you give people that won't shut up in a movie theatre and continues to banter with a woman that probably has a gun to her stomach under the counter like the kid in the second window does.
After she just gives him a pump dispenser from the counter, the second kid in the store with a gun sees that you see him, and is moving towards the third window, pointing his gun as you.
"Great," you think, "I'm gonna fuckin' die at a place that slowly kills more Americans than Tobacco..." When you see the asshole in front of you start to leave and you take off.
Pulling up to the fourth window, you mouth, "I know, and I'm callin' the cops!" To Julia as you get your food; she nods to you as you drive out to the parking lot.
You call the cops and the kids inside are saved...
Now, is it really worth the five dollar savings in the long run if you can be killed for merely being too lazy to cook for yourself?
And that's it for this heaping helping of sarcasm... be good!
Oh, and I'd like to say that I've noticed that a lot of people from around the U.S. and the world have been reading my stuff. Thanks a lot, and I hope you've enjoyed it! Don't be afraid to leave me some comments... and thanks, GW, for your comments.
I'll get back with you about that post I wanted to do about Gay Rights that I mentioned before.
Whooo-Hooo!
posted by Todd Tobin at 1:51 AM
3 comments
