"Todd Asks God The Tough Questions!"

I recently met God at a local Sports bar in Lancaster, and decided to ask him a few questions that I feel are important, and he was glad to speak his mind. And yes, he has Dreds.

Todd - So, I have a few questions here that I'd like to ask you... first, should I call you "God", "Yahweh", "Allah", "Jah"?

God - Whatever works for you, man. It's all the same to me... my friends just call me "Big G", though.

T - Okay, G...

G - Hold on... I didn't say that you were a friend, Todd... as I recall, you're an Atheist.

T - Well, yeah... but does that mean that I'm not a friend?

G - You know what would make you a friend?

T - No, what?

G - Get me a large Fosters, a shot of Stolly's and a dozen Buffalo Wings... and all your sins are forgiven.

T - Really?

G - No... almost had you there for a minute, huh?

T - Okay... hey Mary? Could you get a shot of Stolly's, a large Fosters and a dozen Buffalo Wings for the gentleman in the Dreadlocks? Huh?

G - What is it?

T - She said they're out of Stolly's.

G - Tell her to check again...

T - Hey Mare? Could you check again? What was that?

G - What?

T - She said that another one just appeared on the bar.

G - Yeah, I know...

T - Oh, so you?

G - Yeah, I just did that. Pretty cool, huh?

T - Yeah, that's a pretty neat trick... but if you can make it yourself, why am I paying for it?

G - Y'know Todd, you ask too many questions.

T - Yeah? Well, I tend to do that... it's called thinking.

G - Don't get sarcastic with me...

T - Or what? You'll turn me into a bottle of Stolly's?!

G - You see, now you're getting blasphemous...

T - I don't even believe in you, how can I be "Blasphemous"?!

G - Well, you got me there...

T - Now, can I get back to asking you some questions?

G - I guess so...

T - I'd like proof that you're God.

G - Like what? An I.D. or something? Look, beings like me don't waste time proving who we are, Todd... it's just gets too complicated. I could fix something for you, if you'd like... as long as doesn't involve free will.

T - Like what?

G - I can't cure alcoholism or drug addictions, since those are choices. Nor can I fix kinky sexual fetishes, since they're just release mechanisms for the human mind and there's nothing wrong with having them... I also can't make you rich, popular or a genius, so don't ask.

T - S0 why can't you make me rich, popular or a genius?

G - I can't make you popular because if you wanted to be popular, you could do it yourself. The same goes for vast knowledge; all you have to do is study. Also, in order to make you rich, I'd have to take from others, and you couldn't live with that, could you?

T - No, that would be unfair to others.

G - But, I can fix something that you were born with and has messed with your life since childhood...

T - Hey, the Doctor said that those Mole's aren't malignant...

G - No, I mean your Bleeding Disorder, stupid.

T - Oh...

G - Would you like to think about it?

T - No, I already have the answer for that.

G - And...?

T - I'm cool... I'll keep the bleeding disorder.

G - Why?

T - Because it's helped in defining who I am, what my hobbies are, my view of people with disabilities and life in general. If I knew that, as a kid, I could do all the stupid shit that kids do and not worry about running the risk of bleeding to death upon being injured... that would completely change who I am. And I'm basically fine with who I am.

G - Well, it's been a good conversation, and the Buffalo Wings were really good, but I've got things to do, people to corrupt...

T - Wait, did you just say "corrupt"?

G - Yeah, and?

T- Why would you do that? I thought that you were supposed to be the good guy!

G - Didn't you read the Old Testament?

T - Yeah, a little bit...

G - Okay, this has nothing to do with me being good or bad, this is my job. What you may call bad, I call an important part of creation. Look, The Devil and God are the same thing, otherwise Christianity would be a poly-theistic faith. I am the equivelant of, say... a "Quality Control" inspector... I go from person to person, testing them on the strength of their resolve and character in order to see how they may turn out later on in life. I'm not evil or good, I'm impartial; have you noticed that there are a lot of evil people and assholes in the world?

T - Yeah...

G - Well, they're just as big of a part of the equation as the goody-goodies and people like you are.

T - People like me?

G - Yes. Those that question all things are in many ways the backbone of humanity; never allowing themselves to subscribe to any one belief set since they know that all faiths are in one way or another inherrently flawed due to the involvement of humans. The people at the middle of the spectrum of faith are the historians, artists and builders that remind people of the past while at the same time showing the promise of the future in all that they do... not believing in any one version of "God" is part of what makes you what you are: and impartial observer.

T - Ahhh...

G - And unfortunately, all the Stolly's shots and Buffalo Wings in the universe won't get you into heaven...

T - Crap.

G - But it does get you one thing, though...

T - What's that?

G - A good conversation and a shot at reincarnation... that's a pretty sweet deal, in my book. And with that I've got to go... have a good life. And next time, I'm buying.

T - Cool... thanks for the advice.

And with that, he left... and I had to pick up the tab. I never knew that shots of Stolly's were so fucking expensive. I mean really, you're just getting a small amount of alcohol for Christ's sake! $6.75 for a timble of booze?!

Man, God's a free-loader...

"Todd Comes Out!!!"

Okay, I've got to get something off of my chest. It's been something that I've been hiding since about 1996, when I was in the U.S. Navy in Norfolk, VA. I've known it for years but have never really came out and said it to anyone... not even my Mom.

But I have to stop beating around the bush here, so how do I say it?

Man, this is hard... Lance Bass is Gay.

Whew! That's a load off my mind! Do you guys feel better too? What a relief! Group hug!

Seriously, didn't everyone know that Lance Bass was Gay years ago? Hell, the moment I saw him in a video in 1996 I knew! Where's the mystery? Is this entire country totally devoid of even a vestigle form of a "Gay-Dar"? Then again, lots of women were huge fans of George Michael until he finally revealed he was Bi in 1995 or thereabouts.

I make a lot of sweeping generalizations on this Blog and in my everyday life, but not too many when it comes to the LGBT community in this country, and the reason is pretty simple for me... sweeping generalizations are, in essence, the stepping-stones to full-on bigotry.

But seriously... this is about Lance Bass, not the Gay community as a whole. I know that I could make a joke about the "Gay community" and the words "Whole" or "Hole", but I'm not going to. It's too easy on top of it being kind of mean-spirited... funny, but mean-spirited.

In the end (God, another thing that's too easy to make fun of) I say, "Good for you, Lance! Work it, sister!" Coming out of the closet isn't a easy thing to do for most of the Gay sommunity, since they fear reprisals or all-out Gay-bashing by their friends, family or co-workers simply for being themselves, and we should all do our best to accept people for whomever or whatever they are...

... even guys named "Lance".