"Todd's 'Women To Avoid!': The 2006 Edition"
I just realized that I haven't really written anything on this Blog about Sex as a topic. So, being that the blogging community is largely made up of people talking about their personal lives, I figured that I'd talk about my sex life from when if first started to now. Obviously, I haven't gotten laid in months, having in the last four months or so been made single again, but I don't mind that (not getting laid) as much... check back with me in about six months, however, as my position will most likely have changed by then.
I've dated nearly every type of girl there is on this planet, White, Black, Latino and Asian, Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Atheist and Muslim, and each of the women that I've been with have provided me with unique experiences. So first, I'd like to cover the girls to avoid.
1.) Psychology Students: You know, there's a reason that people get into Psychiatry and Psychology as a profession, and it's this: They're fucked up, and they want to find out why. What better way to find out why you're such a damaged human being other than through educating yourself on the pathologies of Serial Killers, Rapists and Pedophiles? Unfortunately, many of the women that I've known that have gone this route seem to distance themselves from the fact that they're one of the people that could benefit from this information, without resolving any of their personal issues. I dated a girl named "T" in Santa Cruz, CA that was a Psych major at UCSC, and little did I know that she was one of those nutty, super-possessive-types.
Although the sex was great (whew, boy... you have no idea!) there was the drawback of her thinking that I was cheating on her (I've never cheated in my life) and screwing other women on the weekends that I didn't see her. Of course, as it often goes in my experience, she was cheating on me the whole time... in retrospect, I'm glad I wore condoms everytime with her. You know, as I've said, I've never cheated on any of the women that I've been with in my life, but in her case, I wish that I had, and then filmed it and sold it on the internet after I broke up with her... and then e-mailed her the link for her to see it for herself. As with most people who've been cheated on, it took me about a year to get that mind-fucking out of my head and feel the urge to get into another relationship.
2.) Women Fresh Out Of Bad Relationships: Most of the relationships that I regret are the ones where the women are first coming out of either abusive or poorly-treated and ignored-type of relationships. These women are friendly and fun to be around... at first. Then they slowly morph into their Ex; a selfish, embittered power-monger who then proceeds to take things out on you that were never your fault to begin with, since you weren't there. When you first see this side of someone? RUN! Run as fast as you fucking can and avoid any contact with them... change you're phone number if you have to. Why? Because it'll never get any better with that person from that point on, it'll only get worse.
You can't show this person the love that they need to help heal from their previous relationship, it'll never happen that way. It's kind of like Tempura paint; the more water you throw on it, the more paint you'll end up making. Trust me on this, it could save you a lot of heartache if you just walk away. My Step-Dad Bob said that typically men make these kinds of relationships worse by trying to help, and boy was he right... if I could go back in time, I'd have punched out of that relationship a lot earlier if only I'd have known better. However, just as I said about the last type of women to avoid: The sex was incredible... you know, I've never had angry sex before, but if it's half as good as sex with this type, man... I can't even imagine.
3.) Girls With Promise Rings: Okay, this one isn't as negative as the last two, but it's still pretty bad to find out that after two months in a relationship that you're not going to get laid. Ever. Unless you have a ring of your own. Not to mention that it's kind of creepy for a Father to make his Daughter promise not to have sex until she gets married, and I'll tell you why. The creepy part for me is that the Father has a vested interest in his Daughter's sex life, which he shouldn't. Look, your Daughter has enough to worry about in life with Periods and Papschmere's without having your weird little sex issues heaped onto her as well. This ring you're giving her (or rather, forcing on her) will probably screw her up for the rest of her adult life; limiting how far her relationships will go unless she just happens to bump into an Amish guy who expects to get married before he ever has sex with anything other than Livestock.
Here's the big problem that I have with this: You'll never know your sexual compatability with your partner if you don't have sex. Think of it this way: Ladies, if you have a more shallow than average Vagina, wouldn't it help to know if your future husband has a dick the size of a 24oz Miller Lite can? Also, conversely, Guys, if you have a average-sized Penis, wouldn't it help to know if your future wife has a Whale Pussy? See, sex is a part of a relationship that almost immediately changes the dynamic between two people, causing both of them to treat each other more seriously than they originally had in the beginning. To me at least, there's nothing intrinsically pious or noble in denying yourself sex, it's just out-dated nonsense perpetuated by prudes. It's hard for me to take this kind of crap seriously, since, in my mind, you don't have a complete relationship with your partner until you understand each other sexually as well emotionally. In other words, the "Promise Ring" is a low-rent version of a "Chastity Belt"... take off the belt ladies. And obviously, the sex isn't great with these girls... why? I'd think that's plain and simple.
4.) Women Into Fetishes: This of course only applies to Fetishes that you don't share, of course. Fetishism isn't all that bad if you think about it, but there's nothing like the first time a woman takes you into her bedroom, ties you to the bedpost... and then attempts to dazzle you with her impressive collection of gigantic, light-up, glow-in-the-dark Butt-Plugs, and your vain attempts to try to get out of the room without being penetrated in one of your unwilling body-cavities without having to club her like a baby Seal. When it comes to sex, I don't think that there's anything wrong with mixing it up if it starts getting dull, but I think the ball-gags should be kept in the closet until it actually gets boring, you know what I mean?
No man wants to find out that your version of a "Vibrator" is a Phallus so enormous that you'd have to bring in a trained team of Clydesdales and six Circus Midgets with a Keg of Lube to bring you to Orgasm, alright? All we have is our hands, ladies... all we can do is make it tighter, we can't make it bigger... although some guys probably wish they could. When it comes down to it, everyone has their kinks, just make sure that you both at least have a willingness to learn each others kinks before presenting your impressive talents when it comes to taking a dump on your partners chest, okay?
If anyone likes, I can write more of these segments about people to avoid, and hell, maybe even do one for the ladies. That would be pretty funny... let me know!
I've dated nearly every type of girl there is on this planet, White, Black, Latino and Asian, Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Atheist and Muslim, and each of the women that I've been with have provided me with unique experiences. So first, I'd like to cover the girls to avoid.
1.) Psychology Students: You know, there's a reason that people get into Psychiatry and Psychology as a profession, and it's this: They're fucked up, and they want to find out why. What better way to find out why you're such a damaged human being other than through educating yourself on the pathologies of Serial Killers, Rapists and Pedophiles? Unfortunately, many of the women that I've known that have gone this route seem to distance themselves from the fact that they're one of the people that could benefit from this information, without resolving any of their personal issues. I dated a girl named "T" in Santa Cruz, CA that was a Psych major at UCSC, and little did I know that she was one of those nutty, super-possessive-types.
Although the sex was great (whew, boy... you have no idea!) there was the drawback of her thinking that I was cheating on her (I've never cheated in my life) and screwing other women on the weekends that I didn't see her. Of course, as it often goes in my experience, she was cheating on me the whole time... in retrospect, I'm glad I wore condoms everytime with her. You know, as I've said, I've never cheated on any of the women that I've been with in my life, but in her case, I wish that I had, and then filmed it and sold it on the internet after I broke up with her... and then e-mailed her the link for her to see it for herself. As with most people who've been cheated on, it took me about a year to get that mind-fucking out of my head and feel the urge to get into another relationship.
2.) Women Fresh Out Of Bad Relationships: Most of the relationships that I regret are the ones where the women are first coming out of either abusive or poorly-treated and ignored-type of relationships. These women are friendly and fun to be around... at first. Then they slowly morph into their Ex; a selfish, embittered power-monger who then proceeds to take things out on you that were never your fault to begin with, since you weren't there. When you first see this side of someone? RUN! Run as fast as you fucking can and avoid any contact with them... change you're phone number if you have to. Why? Because it'll never get any better with that person from that point on, it'll only get worse.
You can't show this person the love that they need to help heal from their previous relationship, it'll never happen that way. It's kind of like Tempura paint; the more water you throw on it, the more paint you'll end up making. Trust me on this, it could save you a lot of heartache if you just walk away. My Step-Dad Bob said that typically men make these kinds of relationships worse by trying to help, and boy was he right... if I could go back in time, I'd have punched out of that relationship a lot earlier if only I'd have known better. However, just as I said about the last type of women to avoid: The sex was incredible... you know, I've never had angry sex before, but if it's half as good as sex with this type, man... I can't even imagine.
3.) Girls With Promise Rings: Okay, this one isn't as negative as the last two, but it's still pretty bad to find out that after two months in a relationship that you're not going to get laid. Ever. Unless you have a ring of your own. Not to mention that it's kind of creepy for a Father to make his Daughter promise not to have sex until she gets married, and I'll tell you why. The creepy part for me is that the Father has a vested interest in his Daughter's sex life, which he shouldn't. Look, your Daughter has enough to worry about in life with Periods and Papschmere's without having your weird little sex issues heaped onto her as well. This ring you're giving her (or rather, forcing on her) will probably screw her up for the rest of her adult life; limiting how far her relationships will go unless she just happens to bump into an Amish guy who expects to get married before he ever has sex with anything other than Livestock.
Here's the big problem that I have with this: You'll never know your sexual compatability with your partner if you don't have sex. Think of it this way: Ladies, if you have a more shallow than average Vagina, wouldn't it help to know if your future husband has a dick the size of a 24oz Miller Lite can? Also, conversely, Guys, if you have a average-sized Penis, wouldn't it help to know if your future wife has a Whale Pussy? See, sex is a part of a relationship that almost immediately changes the dynamic between two people, causing both of them to treat each other more seriously than they originally had in the beginning. To me at least, there's nothing intrinsically pious or noble in denying yourself sex, it's just out-dated nonsense perpetuated by prudes. It's hard for me to take this kind of crap seriously, since, in my mind, you don't have a complete relationship with your partner until you understand each other sexually as well emotionally. In other words, the "Promise Ring" is a low-rent version of a "Chastity Belt"... take off the belt ladies. And obviously, the sex isn't great with these girls... why? I'd think that's plain and simple.
4.) Women Into Fetishes: This of course only applies to Fetishes that you don't share, of course. Fetishism isn't all that bad if you think about it, but there's nothing like the first time a woman takes you into her bedroom, ties you to the bedpost... and then attempts to dazzle you with her impressive collection of gigantic, light-up, glow-in-the-dark Butt-Plugs, and your vain attempts to try to get out of the room without being penetrated in one of your unwilling body-cavities without having to club her like a baby Seal. When it comes to sex, I don't think that there's anything wrong with mixing it up if it starts getting dull, but I think the ball-gags should be kept in the closet until it actually gets boring, you know what I mean?
No man wants to find out that your version of a "Vibrator" is a Phallus so enormous that you'd have to bring in a trained team of Clydesdales and six Circus Midgets with a Keg of Lube to bring you to Orgasm, alright? All we have is our hands, ladies... all we can do is make it tighter, we can't make it bigger... although some guys probably wish they could. When it comes down to it, everyone has their kinks, just make sure that you both at least have a willingness to learn each others kinks before presenting your impressive talents when it comes to taking a dump on your partners chest, okay?
If anyone likes, I can write more of these segments about people to avoid, and hell, maybe even do one for the ladies. That would be pretty funny... let me know!
posted by Todd Tobin at 8:28 AM
12 comments
