"Mindless Advertising"

"Chaser" - I don't know how many of you out there have seen the ads for this product on TV or heard of it on the radio, but if you haven't... I’ll give you a brief break-down on what it is and does. Chaser is a hangover cure miracle pill that contains "activated calcium carbonate and vegetable carbon" (http://www.doublechaser.com/) and is supposed to cure what ails you before it affects you (the next morning), by taking two pills while you drink your first drink.

Okay, now on to why I think this is a stupid product to market on TV and Radio. Instead of saying that over-drinking and hangovers go together like raw doggin' it and a dose of The Clap, and warn you against the long-term dangers of chronic drinking, they tell you to drink responsibly after advertising a product that is only intended for people that drink too damn much! What the hell is that all about?! I've had many a hangover in my brief soon-to-be-28 years on this planet, but I didn't blame my over-drinking on anything or anybody but myself.

You see, a hangover is your body’s way of fucking with you for being an idiot the night before... so suck it up. Imagine a world where there were no consequences for doing dumb shit all the time, where you take an anti-inflammatory called "Blackeye's" to prevent swelling before you inevitably end up talking shit to a guy twice your size when you're drunk at the local Biker Bar and he throws you through a plate-glass window. How about Calcium tablets called "Crunchers" that absorb all the punishment after you start tripping balls on Acid and wander on to a nearby highway butt-naked and end up getting hit by a bus?!

"Creepy Christian Groups" - These groups don't really have a product being displayed for all to see per se, but they do show how damn creepy their commercials can be. One of the most notable ones is for a group that allegedly goes to third-world countries and get people to donate money for education and food programs to feed the down-trodden.

There's nothing wrong with helping fellow humans who are less fortunate than you or being charitable, and I would never say otherwise, buuuuutttttt... does your manner of procuring said funds have to be so goddamn eerie? Has anyone ever seen the commercial that shows a bunch of starving South American kids in black and white film in slow-mo while the song "Jesus Loves the little Children" plays hauntingly in the background? BBbbbbbrrrrrrrr... (starts shivering). That, without a doubt is the creepiest spectacle I've seen since I went to "The Holocaust Museum" with my parents when I was in High School (also, as a point of note, don't bring your girlfriend with you... it's not an especially romantic locale).

Guilting people into donating is a long-time staple of many Christian foundations, but this is kind of a hypocritical thing to advertise. We have thousands of homeless men, women and children in this country who could use your help... you don't need to go to Peru to find a few. Try going to your local liquor store and give the dude in front a bag of chips and a shirt you haven't worn in five years, you'll get instant gratification for it. Why is it these groups pick the people who aren't on this continent to give pennies to, when you could do stuff in their own towns? Maybe I'm not meant to understand it...

"Girls Gone (Fill in the Blank)" - I know that being a man, you are expected to lust constantly lust over a fine, young, piece of ass like a radical Islamic extremist lusts over Paradise, but come on! When did it become so fucking necessary for us to see these commercials all the damn time?! Sure, I like naked women, but do I need to see a bunch of drunk sluts who are trying to get revenge against their Daddies for not getting them the BMW they wanted by going down on each other?

Now, by now I'm sure some guys out there are saying, "Hey, Todd must be Gay... he's tired of naked chicks? How can that be?" If you think I'm Gay, you can talk to my girlfriend, and she would assure you that I'm not... I think. I've grown tired of these commercials - not because I'm Gay - but because I'm an artist. You see, I see things differently than most people, plus I've seen lots of chicks pose naked for nude portraits... so much like a guy who chronically masturbates, I am a bit desensitized to the nude female form. Besides, I don't feel the urge to assert my masculinity by having something like that in my possession... that's what weight lifting, XXX porn, needle-point and my dream diary are for.

At best, Girls Gone Wild is really lame soft-core porn aimed at the guys who still live in their parent’s basements and don't have the balls to go to an Adult Book store. At worst, it is exploitation of young women for the sake of entertainment.

I would complain about this more, but I have to take two chasers, since that creepy Christian Foundation commercial is on again, and I'm gonna go get drunk after I lift weights in the gym.

Have a good one folks and remember... life is only boring during the commercial breaks!

"Have You Ever Wondered?"

Have you ever wondered where in the hell these "Naturally Happy People" come from? I do, on an oft-times daily basis, and it has caused me to wonder about all types of people that we run into on a semi-regular basis.

1.) The guy that groans as he's taking a piss in a bar restroom. What the hell is he doing that is causing him to moan like a two-dollar whore expecting a big tip?! I have had many times when urinating felt really good (almost to the point of feeling too good), but it rarely happens while I'm at a bar. It typically happens after an obscene amount of traffic stops me from getting to a gas station, and then having to wait outside that filthy door for the guy attempting to pass a kidney stone the size of the Stanley Cup to get done. I would talk about the ridiculous spinning 24 inch rim key ring that weights more than a backpack full of Peyote buttons, but maybe I'll talk about that some other time. Often these guys will be leaning on the wall as if gravity itself has shifted in the bathroom, and all you can hope is that this guy doesn't squirt you with urine, so you often find yourself shifting your position so that your back is more towards him than anything else. After all, if you're going to take a hit of another man’s piss, you might as well take it in a way that allows you to not see it coming...

2.) The person in the stall next to you who feels its okay to - out loud - grunt and strain like he's trying to crap out an entire Ikea Dining Room set. I know that taking a dump can be uncomfortable, but do you need to make everyone else in the restroom neurotic about it as well? Quite down in there, Pacino... you're not in "A Scent of a Woman", alright?! Try eating something other than a diet of Beef Jerky, Taco Bell and Mad-Dog 20/20... it'll help, I promise. So, you see, there's really no reason for you to over-act... calm down and do some breathing exercises. Leave all that over-the-top squealing to Jenna Jameson and Porky Pig during a late-night visit by his overly-aggressive Proctologist.

3.) The creepy guy behind the cash register at a gas station that looks at you like you're the weird one. Here's this guy with a cleft-pallet, lazy eye, more piercings than a frickin' porn star, a cranium with dimensions that would only be acceptable for a Bobble-Head Doll and the "Hell's Angels" set of beard and tattoos looking at you like you're going to stick up the place with your Butterfinger and 44 oz. soda. Look, I used to work at a 7-11 on the night shift, and I never looked at customers like that unless they looked like that guy. What's his excuse? Did he get sodomized by his quite, unassuming cell-mate with incredibly disproportionate strength, or what?! Chill out there, "Deaths-Head"... I just want $25 on Pump 2, not your soul.

4.) The ladies that drive SUV's with six kids in the back, jabbering away on their cell phones like Anna-Nichole Smith on methamphetamines. Often you'll see the idiotic little Jesus fish placard on the bumper. Lady, I hope Jesus has your back as much as you advertise, otherwise you'll be the death of not only yourself and your rug-rats, but anyone else that has the misfortune of being anywhere near you on the road. You'll find these intellectual equivalents of a Lemming racing down the road at speeds that would make even a toothless NASCAR fan say, "Dang, that chick drives like a ‘tard!" And these are the guys that watch other people drive dangerously for fun! If you have a kid in the car with you, pay attention to the road, or you may find yourself scratching one of those cute little decals of your stick figure family off of the rear windshield of your over-sized gas guzzler.

I have many more things that I could complain about, but I think that I'll leave that for another installment of: "Have You Ever Wondered?"!