"Valentines Day 'Rules of Engagement'"

I was sitting in my apartment the other day, thinking about all of the horror stories that I've heard from other guys regarding their first Valentines Day date with their previous girlfriends, so I thought that I'd write a little list of things not to do. And I'm sure the ladies are going to be thanking me for this later. Okay, so here we go!

1.) Don't take your date to a restaurant that only serves their drinks in pitchers.

2.) As good as Mexican food is, don't take your girlfriend to any place that has those obnoxious Mariachi singers. Nothing brings the mood down more while you're holding her hand and telling her that you love her than hearing five guys screeching, "Ay, Ay Ay Yiiiii!!!" at the top of their lungs.

3.) Don't do all your gift shopping (if you do end up buying her something) at the corner Liquor Store on the way home. I doubt that your lady likes 40 Ounces of Schlitz Malt Liquor... but if she does, hey, good for you.

4.) The normal, "Dinner and a Movie" formula isn't a good idea on Valentines Day, guys. It'll just make her feel that you don't care enough about her to do something special only once a year. Use your knowledge of what you know she likes and do something that is centered around those things... if she likes French food, look up a recipe for "Chicken Cordon Bleu" online and make that for her. Of course, you'll have to practice first, but eventually you'll get better at it.

5.) Candles... lots and lots of candles. But no Barry White, alright?! You're setting a mood, not filming a fuckin' Porno. Okay, you can play some Barry White, but only in the bedroom, understand?!

6.) This is a day dedicated to your Love for one another... so no farting. If you're feeling gassy, take some Beano or some Gas-Ex... she'll thank you for it later.

7.) Where a shirt with not only a collar, but sleeves too! You're not Larry the Cable Guy, you're funnier than he is, because you don't have to breathe though your mouth.

8.) I know that some of these things won't apply to people that live in rural areas and Trailer Parks... just felt like putting that out there.

9.) The thought you put into what you do together should be thorough, okay? It's a better idea to go somewhere over the weekend, than to try to do something on a Wednesday (after all, it's the middle of the frickin' week, and you're probably exhausted)... like a place with clean air... and beach sand, if you can manage it.

10.) Finally... just relax and have a good time.

"'The Super-Bore', brought to you by 'Who Cares?!'"

Okay, so we had the Super-Bowl featuring the Seattle Seahawks Versus The Pittsburgh Steelers this last Sunday, and I'm still astounded by how anyone can still watch this shit after all these years.

Never mind that the officiating by the Referee's was so biased in the favor of the Steelers that their uniforms should've been Black and Gold stripes instead of Black and White.

Never mind that most of the commercials sucked to the point of being a Black Hole; sucking all of the humor out of how ridiculous it is for Millions of adults all over the country putting their lives on hold for just a couple of hours of Flag-Throwing entertainment.

Never mind that John Madden's fat, unintelligible ass needs to be put out to pasture... or at least someone needs to take that Ham Sandwich out of his mouth. Do you know how many decades ago he played or coached a Football game? In 1976, that's when... and that was a year before I was born, which makes it a full 30 years since he was relevant in the arena of athletics. Add to that the fact that no other announcer or "Color Commentator" has ever so obviously whored himself out for a buck (Think of all the Madden Games, from the original Nintendo and Sega platforms all the way to the PS2 and XBox), and forged a career in video games based off of just saying, "Boom! Now that's gotta hurt!".

And also ignore the fact that most of the Super Bowl Half-Time shows stink. I mean, who really gives a shit if the old codgers in the Rolling Stones are performing at all, let alone at the most watched Televised program of the entire year? Last time I checked, Hip-Hop music sold the most records in the country during the last year (and in the last five or six years before that), but I don't recall one instance of a Hip-Hop Artist performing during any of the Half-Time shows. Besides P. Diddy (Doesn't Count), Nelly (Also Doesn't Count) and Queen Latifah (Who I think was actually singing instead of performing a Hip-Hop song) the presence of Hip-Hop, regardless of the Billions that the Recording Industry has made off of it has been virtually non-existant. I think it's about time we updated this arcane institution...

I haven't seen a game so frustrating in my entire life, and that says a lot... since I generally don't like watching sporting events in general. I rooted for both teams, since I live outside L.A., and we haven't had a team out here in a decade... so why not just try to enjoy the game?

Boy, I didn't realize how hard that would be... until Seattle's first Touchdown was declined... and then their second Touchdown was declined. And then Roethlisberger was given a Touchdown regardless of the fact that everyone watching the game at home could see that he was stopped in mid-air by the defensive line, and hit the ground just short of the White borderline of the endzone, and then stretched his arms out after he had already hit the ground to make it look like he had actually made it.

Then they bring in the Referee to check out the challenge on the play (a guy who has a mere 23% challenge approval rate) who apparently couldn't see what the rest of us saw: Roethlisberger was desperate, and in his desperation he faked a legitimate Touchdown. And the Ref agreed that it was a good play... what a fucking idiot.

Big Ben was on Letterman last night, and even he said that he didn't think that he actually made it, but he said that even if they didn't get the Touchdown, he would've ran it in on the Fourth Down... but he misses the point. There are lots of Pittsburgh fans out there that feel that, even though their team won, they were robbed of celebrating a legit win. Because, if it weren't for all of the bullshit flags thrown in their team's benefit, the two legit Touchdowns that Seattle should've been awarded, their team could've shown us what they were made of... but they didn't. And because of those calls, they weren't allowed to.

I won't bitch about how I don't like the Steelers, since I have no emotional investment in any of the teams in the NFL. I just think that it's more important to have a clean win based off of sheer skill and determination rather than a questionable or "Dirty" win based off of bias and nonsense. But then again, maybe I'm just dreaming...