"I'm sorry, we don't talk about stuff that..."

How many times have you heard that phrase? Once? Twice? Three times a Lady? I hear that phrase all the time, and I think that I finally know the reason why.

The two main topics that inspire that response from someone are Religion and Politics, and many people get very uncomfortable when those subjects are brought up. The reason for that is, in my mind at least, pretty simple. The people who say it are either embarrassed by their own views, or they're afraid to admit to others what those views are. In other words... they're cowards.

I wasn't really all that interested in Politics until I reached my 20's, but I never shied away from any conversation that contained them, and wasn't shy about expressing my point of view to a complete stranger. The only time Religion made me uncomfortable as a topic of discussion was when a complete stranger wanted to know why I haven't accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior... and that's just because the people that talk to you about that are typically part of some Non-Denominational Jesus Cult. If you have a life, I'm sure you can identify with why that shit creeps me out.

Politics, on the other hand, is, or can be, an interesting area of discussion... that people largely avoid talking about like the plague. I personally just ask people what they think about specific topics to see where they're coming from in general. The topics?

1.) The President, and how well they think that he's doing so far.

2.) The War in Iraq, and what they think should be done.

3.) Whether they watch Fox News or not.

Those are the only really big topics that are worth discussing in the arena of politics, and I know a couple of you out there are asking, "Hey, what about Abortion, Gay Marriage and all of that?" The answer to that is simple: Those are Religious questions, Dummy! Wait your turn!

In my mind, nothing opens up people to talk about these like a few good-natured jokes. For instance:


"What's the difference between a Special Ed student and the President?"

"I don't know... what?"

"The President doesn't have to wear the helmet anymore."


Now, did you laugh at that or get mad? Fairly simple, huh? Now let's try another one!


"What's the main difference between The Iraq War and Vietnam?"

"I don't know... what?"

"Nothing... just this time we have a dumber President!"


Alright... one more:


"What do Lindsay Lohan and Bill O'Reilly have in common?"

"I don't know... what?"

"Shit-loads of make-up covering those hideous freckles!"


You see, how you respond to things like that determine whether you can take a joke about something that is, in essence... not all that big of a deal. Political and Religious points of view are, in essence, based on opinion. And, from time to time, someone may prove that your opinion on a subject is wrong.

For instance, let's just say that you're anti-abortion and as racist as they come. Your beautiful, Blonde-haired, Blue-Eyed daughter comes home from College for the Winter Break and tells you over Dinner that she's pregnant... with a Black Baby. Now what do you do, Mister High-And-Mighty? I'd bet that you'd recommend an abortion faster than you can say "Praise Jesus!" at your local Klan rally, Jeb. Time to learn to take it on the chin, champ. You can't be right about everything, now can you?

I'll write another one on Religion, if any of you are interested... drop me a line.

"The Thanksgiving Day Roast"

Welcome to The Thanksgiving Day Roast, everybody!

Hey, thanks... no, really. Thank you, thank you, thank you... I got a lotta stuff to cover here folks, so please return to your seats so the real fun can begin.

Alright... we got the whole gang here, don't we? Well, let's see who to start with... ah!

How're you doin', Cran Log? You know what? You are the single most reliable staple of the Lower and Middle Classes in this country, next to the drunken beat-downs aired on Cops. You and good taste go together like Courtney Love and genital warts! But no, I love this guy... what's not to love? He weighs a pound, comes in a metal cylinder and is sliceable at the same time! Perfect for brawls and ribbed for your pleasure afterwards! Seriously, I love this guy... moving along...

What's crackin', Turkey? You are the single coolest main course ever... you know why? Because you and Heroin both achieve the same ends: Nodding off at a socially awkward time. And, you are the only meal that reminds me of that horrible porn that I saw at the age of 10... oh, wait... that was the video footage of my birth... never mind. You, Turkey, are the Dick Pig of the Meal Kingdom... your empty body cavity practically yells, "What are you, a Pussy?! Is that stuffing all you've got?! Keep shoving stuff into me until I'm full, dammit!!" But really, you're a great guy, and I look forward to ripping your limbs from their sockets with my bare hands and devouring your flesh like I was in the Donner Party... all right, who's next?

Ahhh... Yams!!! How you guys doin' over there? Can you see? Good. You, as a dish, must have been invented by a Blind Man, because you are the most disgusting looking abomination on the menu, did you know that? Well, maybe you should wipe those melted marshmallows of your faces and look in the mirror... ya freaks.

Hey, don't think that you're free from attack, miscellaneous-fruit-salad-made-by-a-distant-relative! You are the worst of the whole bunch, and do you know why? You are always prepared by the most inept cooks in the entire family, who apparently like to take revenge on their family while, getting rid of all their rotten fruit at the same time! Plus, you're never reliable! One year you're made of a festive blend of tropical fruit and whipped cream, the next year you're made out of 99 cent store pudding and moldering Walnuts! You're the drunken Uncle of desserts! Get on a 12-step program and get a job!

Yeah, laugh it up, biscuits! You're next.. you and your buddies ToFurkey and Gravy, over there! You guys are the weirdest combination ever seen on any Dinner table, you know that? You, ToFurkey, you're essentially a log of... Protein and Soy Extract, right?

ToFurkey: Yeah, I guess...

You mean to tell me that you're fake on purpose?! What are you, Madonna?! You are the single driest item that I've eaten since the day the big kids in Elementary School made me eat dirt in the parking lot! You should have a label on your chest that says: "You better have a lotta Water handy!" But without your buddies biscuits and gravy, you'd be no good... and those two are good guys. So, outta the kindness of my heart, I'll let you guys slide for now.

And finally... our special guest, Easter Ham! Ham over here has inspired more Gays to come out of the closet than The Bravo Network, Liza Minelli and the Catholic Church combined. I'm not sure why, but you, my friend have a special gift that makes any person feel comfortable around you... like a dose of Rufinol in a Jack and Coke. Maybe it's because of the pinapple slice with the cherry in it. I love this guy... he's the same year after year, and slowly kills you like no other entree out here tonight. Hey, if the only thing that the Jews and the Muslims can really agree on is not eating this guy... there must be something to it, right? You've been a great sport about this man... I'm glad you came down here today. But then again, did we really have a choice?

I'd just like to say to the Thanksgiving Day team, hey, your oddness is a delight for us all, and is never the same twice. You know, like a Herpes outbreak! You guys have a good time on us, and I'll talk to you later...