"Todd's 'Foods To Avoid!': The 2006 Edition!"

Okay, okay, I admit, I haven't done a 2005 Edition of "Foods To Avoid!", but just go with me on this one. I've ate a wide variety of foods that were not only tasty, but also apparently revolting to my Digestive System, and heeerrreeee weee gooooo!!!


1.) Buffalo Wings: Ah, Buffalo Wings: Sweet, Delectable, Tasty (and sometimes Tangy) little chicken legs dipped in a delicious sauce named from it's city of origin: Buffalo, New York. Now I'm not saying these things aren't delicious or a good snack every now and again, but they don't go well with Beer, and since they're served largely in Sports Bars with a side of Celery, it's a powder-keg of Flatulence served up by the Dozen. First off, the dipping sauces are mainly known to be Ranch or Blue Cheese Dressing, and we all know what those are, don't we? Dairy Products. Now, let's combine all four of these elements: Alcohol, Spice, Grease and Dairy.

I'm pretty sure that's what many would describe this as a "Molotov Cocktail" in your stomach; waiting until you're in your fourth hour of REM sleep until it erupts with a quality of diarrhea that can only be aquired from the water in third-world countries such as India and Mexico. The first warning sign is, of course, "The Gurgles". Now you face the dilemma of getting from your bed to the toilet without letting a couple pints of fluid stain your carpet, don't you? Well, if this ever happens to you, as you're sitting on the toilet losing seven pounds of fluid through (hopefully) only one orifice of your body, you'll probably be thinking, "Aw crap, Todd wasn't kidding!"

How do you resolve this genocidal conflict in your bowels without employing tactical nuclear warheads and sanctions from the UN? Don't eat the celery, since it's mostly water and stringy; eat carrots or apples and drink lots of water before you go to bed. Why? Because the carrots or apples will absorb most kinds of acid, and the water will, well, water-down the grease, spice and alcohol to normal levels and allow you to sleep in comfort. Trust me on this, people...


2.) Jalepeno Poppers: Here's another example of violent internal combustion waiting to happen. You're sitting in the Bar and looking at the dirty, spittle-covered menu of "Appetizers", thinking, "Hey, I've never had Jalepeno Poppers before, maybe I should try something new!" Oh, you sad, lonely soul... you have no appreciation for the Mouth of Hell that you're opening, do you? Well, trust me, buddy, you will... oh sweet Jesus on a cracker... you will!

As with the previous item of "Food" that I mentioned, lets talk about what these things are made out of: A hollowed-out Jalepeno Pepper stuffed with Cream Cheese that is then Deep-Fried. Here's where it gets sticky, people. You're eating one of the hottest peppers that you can find that is then pumped full of Gooey Dairy product and then, to put the icing on the cake... DEEP FRIED! This isn't a molotov cocktail we're talking about, folks, it's a damn Dirty Bomb! A road-side Improvised Explosive Device; a religious Jihad being waged, with your Descending Colon being the stupid American reporter that thought it was a good idea to ask the, "Nice guy over there under the 'Hamas' banner about his love for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

How do you save yourself from the self-imposed isolation to the crapper that awaits you in mere hours? I don't know, really... I've tried, but I don't know how to stop the Paxil-level of negative side-effects that accompanies these things. Sure, they're delicious, but remember: Moderation is the key here. If you eat too many, you'll suffer for it... but, if you eat just a few you should be cool. This is the "Tequila Shot" of snack foods, ladies and gentlemen... a few won't really hurt you, but if you don't watch it and you consume more than you should you'll regret it.


3.) Anchovies and Garlic Pizza: This is really too easy of a food item to warn you guys about, since I'm sure we all know that Garlic and Anchovies-laden Pizzas lead to the kind of bad breath that's typically associated with Cannibal's Anonymous meetings and talking to someone who participates in Coprophagia on a daily basis. I will say this though: If you don't want to meet anyone new, this is the kind of food you'd like.


4.) Chicken-Fried Steak: Ah, the Chicken-Fried Steak... wonderful to eat if all you had planned for the day was slipping into a coma-like "Nap" for the rest of the day. This is a landmark meal of the "Greasy Spoon Diner". If you don't believe me, then go to the local diner in your town and ask if they have "Chicken-Fried Steak" available. If they say "No..." than get the fuck out of there, it's an FBI-sanctioned sting operation!

On the other hand, I like this meal, but the problem that I have with it is that I can't eat it without unbuckling my belt... and that seems to me like a good sign to step away from the plate. After all, who needs to go through the hassle of having to worry about their Arteries hardening on the drive home? I swear, each time I partake of a "CFS" I can feel myself getting fatter; I can pratically hear stretch-marks forming on my sides just thinking about eating one, for cryin' out loud!

As for something to make it easier to digest? I can't help you there... I guess that you should just resign yourself to taking a nap...


And that's it, folks, another installment of the "(Fill in the Blank) To Avoid!" series. This should be a fun on-going list of things. If you have anything that you think that I should write about, feel free to shoot me an e-mail @ todd.tobin.ctr@edwards.af.mil Have a great weekend, everyone!

"Todd's 'Men To Avoid!': The 2006 Edition"

Just to be fair, I'm going to list four groups of guys to avoid, in the spirit of goodwill and just to be even-handed about all of this stuff. And here we go!

1.) Men Who Brag About Their Package: And no, I'm not talking about an arrogant UPS driver. Okay, this one should be simple to explain, being that most guys that like to brag about the colossal size of their man-hog have members so small that they typically piss on their own balls. Often. While sitting down. Regardless of this guy's sexual technique or prowess, at one point you get the impression that this dude had sex with an incredibly small midget, since that's the only woman that would ever claim that this dude's dick could please anything bigger than a cornish game-hen. Look, guys, we all feel a little inadequate from time to time, but there's no reason to supplant that frustration with out-and-out lies regarding Mr. Wiggles, all right? After all, at one point, you're bound to hook up with a Size Queen that will be just as impressed with your shriveled excuse for a baby's penis as I am with George Dubya's grasp of English Grammar... and that's saying a lot.

I personally don't brag, but then again, I feel confident enough with what's under the hood, you know what I mean? The person that you're interested in attracting will be much more impressed if you stopped thinking about your No-Bo Bits for a few minutes and be able to carry a decent conversation. In my experience, if you can't discuss a wide variety of topics with your average woman (never mind the "Girls Gone Wild"-type, they're idiots) than you stand about as much a chance at getting laid as I do while standing on a street corner dressed in a Gumby costume with my junk dangling out of a hole in the front, while constantly asking every woman that passes by, "Hey, you wanna play 'Pokey' for the evening?" Granted, you may be able to pick up a girl with your bragging, but that kind of girl is likely to give you a gift that can only be cured at the free clinic, so pick a different angle.

2.) Men Who Go To The Gym Too Much: I'm not talking about guys who go to the gym to improve their health, I'm talking about guys that spend an inordinate amount of time in front the mirrors flexing while everyone is thinking the same thing: "Dude, get a room!" I know that therapists like to tell people that they first need to love themselves before they can love anyone else, but I don't think that that was what they had in mind. After all, I doubt the therapist wants to find out that you jerk-off to naked pictures of yourself, you know? If a guy is so fixated on himself that he is constantly looking at a reflection of his lovely visage in windowed storefronts, than you might as well pack it up, ladies... because it isn't gonna get much better as time goes on.

Because when dealing with someone so self-absorbed that even your kitchen sponges shout at you, "Hey, he's an asshole! What're you, retarded or something?!" You know that you've reached the point of no return, and it's finally dawned on you, as you say to yourself, "Holy Shit, I'm dating Ryan Seacrest!!" Oh, and getting back to the gym things, these guys like to squat over their buddy's face as he does the bench while shouting, "Come on baby!!! PUSH IT!!!" And trust me ladies, the gym's probably not the only place that he does that.


3.) Men With Tan-Lines On Their Left Ring-Finger: This one should go without saying, but for some reason, women continue to hook up with married men. The only way that this could ever be construed as "Cool" is if the wife is sitting right next to him asking if you could help her scratch that whole "Doin' It Like A Porn Star" itch that she's had ever since their last trip to the Phillipines in 1993. These guys are some of the lowest of the low in my mind, being that either their inability to use a rubber efficiently or their utter lack of a spine being the sole reasons that they got married in the first place. Here's the way that I've worked this disdain into my relationships: I tell whoever I'm with at the time that if, at any time, I seriously consider cheating, I'll break it off.

Sure, like most guys, I would from time to time find myself engaging in the occasional XXX-rated flights of fancy, but I never would seriously act on them... it was just my mind wandering and I have yet to ever act on them. I guess that some people are completely comfortable ruining their own lives and relationships for the sake of scoring a piece of ass, and this type of guy is just that type. He doesn't respect or love his wife enough to dump her, so what does he do? He substitutes your vagina in place of his right hand. My friend Chuck calls it, "Vaginal Masturbation"; the lowest form of sex, for the lowest form of man. Ladies, you demean yourselves by dating these puckered sphincters in the first place... so go get yourselves a free man... trust me, there are lots of us out there.


4.) Guys Who Play Acoustic Guitars: This goes out to that guy who everybody knows that, while in college, decided to pick up this circa-1970's tool for wooing women: STOP. You're not impressing anyone. And if you are, it's likely that the chick that has become enraptured with your inept strumming of three measely chords likely grew up in an area that only had Banjo's and Hillbillies that sodomized tourists while shouting, "Not from arahnd heyah, ah yah bwah?!". So, unless you don't like suffering through a bout of erotic asphyxia with her rope belt, now may be a good time to pick up a new hobby, jackass. I have nothing against actual musicians, being that I'm an artist myself, and this isn't about musicians... it's about clueless ass-clowns that like to pretend they have talent in order to impress women.

Look, anyone can learn to play the guitar... that's why there are instruction manuals, but that doesn't mean that everyone should. This type of guy is shallow, and instead of developing, say, a personality or a great sense of humor to ingratiate himself to women, he's decided to be the boring lump of corn-riddled human feces that he is now. This type is sadly a cliche' that I continue to see even to this very day, and it frustrates me to no end that people still encourage these wannabe's instead of smackin' 'em with a cue-ball in a sock to teach them a lesson. To me, these guys are the first step on a path to becoming a Date Rapist; a pathetic and desperate person that wants more attention than they deserve. Plus, if a guy can't stop diddling his discount Wal-Mart guitar for five minutes to talk to you, is he really worth talking to in the first place? I thought so, too.


Oh, and as a footnote to this segment, I would like to point out that these guys are all combined into a category of "Assholes to Avoid"... just so the ladies get what I'm saying, here.