"Let's Get Ready To Mumble!!!"

I find that my Mom and Step-Dad are my comic muse the more that I'm around them.

At the reception for my Aunt DeeDee and now-Uncle Larry I decided to try out the punch. It was the best "Church Punch" that I've ever almost gagged on while drinking it in a Baptist Church in Hanford, CA. And when I call it "Church Punch", that's pretty much what it is: a punch that comes out of some drum in the church kitchen and tastes like sickly-sweet death. Of course, they didn't forget to throw in some slices of Orange in there as well to sweeten the pot. Seriously, what the hell is the Orange for? Looks or function? Because it doesn't do much for either, and to be quite honest, I don't relish the thought of slowly-rotting fruit floating in something that I'm expected to drink since there aren't any water fountains readily available.

I mentioned this to my parents as we sat with my Aunt Cindy (close to the exits as always), and my Mom thought it was pretty funny. So, since I love making my Mom laugh, a part of my mind goes into comic mode and I end up making observations that would make even the most Liberal Baptist blush, if not start frantically throwing Holy Water at me while screaming, "The power of Christ compels you!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!"

Here are some of the things that I said to no less than three relatives at a time:

1.) "Y'know, I tried to get pregnant, but all I got out of it was a sore throat."

2.) "Hey Mom, you know what I like about churches? Trying to figure out which person is into Bondage."

3.) "Hey Bob, aren't the Baptists the ones that are required to try to convert Jews with rocks?"

4.) "Hey, don't ask me why I don't have kids yet... I think by now we all know with a high degree of certainty that Todd knows how to use a condom."

Here's the funny thing about my family (Me, Mom and Bob since we were the only ones there) I'm an Atheist, my parents are Jewish, my Mom is a Feminist and Bob is a Psychologist with a twisted sense of humor... that's a sitcom that practically writes itself, for Christ's sake. Mom and Bob are really funny, and when it comes to dancing (should any ever break out) Bob's all ass. He has the dancing technique of the Fly Girls from In Living Color, and apparently, chicks dig it... my Mom can attest to that.

It was the first time that I'd seen my cousins Matt and Sara in about five years, and they both have kids, Sara's pregnant with her second kid, and Matt's getting married to his girl in October. However, I hadn't even heard about Larry (my new Uncle) from anyone... which was kind of weird. Y'know, shaking the hand of the man about to marry your Aunt, and you have no fucking clue who he is! Sure, he seems like a nice enough guy, but nobody knows him! Aaaahhhhh...

Not to mention that I'm the only one of "The Kids" that doesn't already have a kid or in the process of getting married sometime soon, which is a little awkward. They're having conversations about what their kids did that morning, and they look over at me and I say, "Uuhhh... I played Xbox for five hours yesterday." Plus, I'm the second-oldest of "The Kids"... so that makes it a little difficult for people to grasp at times.

To top it all off, I was wearing a black suit without a tie and an open-collar white dress shirt... I basically called it my "Ocean's Eleven" suit. It was an out fit that ended up looking like that on accident actually... the dress shirt wasn't tucked in because I brought the wrong pants (too small around the waist) and I forgot my favorite tie. Oops... everone makes mistakes.

Ah well, I gotta go... there's a foot-long Cold-Cut Combo with my name all over it.

Take care of yourselves and the people that you give a damn about... as for those you don't give a damn about? Screw 'em.