"There's a Hit Contract out on your Horrible Taste."
Okay, here are just a few things that need to be abolished... and if need be, stuck into the Constitution as Amendments. Or, I will not be responsible for my actions. After all, this Blog is nothing more than a desperate cry for help in the form of jokes and angry observations.
1.) Comb-Overs - Alright, would everyone else start doing what I've been doing since I was twelve and start openly mocking these self-deceiving assholes for trying - in a rather vain attempt - to fool anyone into thinking that they have a full head of hair?! You're not fooling anyone, Mr. Trump! You're a fucking Millionaire, for fuck's sake! Either get a wig, hair plugs or a really cool-looking hat, because that monstrosity is a fucking abomination that deserves a good smiting from that God that I don't believe in! Whenever I see you on TV, I feel like I should call PETA and inform them that someone is doing an incredibly unethical thing to their hair!
This is proof to me that there isn't a God, since if there was, I don't think that he would tolerate this kind of shit... and not laugh. Right in your face. When everyone else is doing it behind your back. If it takes you one hour of every day to use the Black Arts to weave an incantation; summoning the Hoary Hosts from the flaming pits of the Ninth tier of Hell, in order to fool yourself into thinking that that gleaming dome on the top of your head has had any hair on it since the Carter Administration, just blow your brains out.
Many people have bald heads, men and women, and many other people think that it's sexy - not me of course, it's the only part of the body that prefer not to be shaved - but these people do exist. Grow up, look in the mirror and repeat after me: "I know that I have a problem. My problem is genetic... my Dad had it, my Grandpa had it, and now... I have it. The first step to recovery is admiting to myself that there is a problem, and I admit it. Now it's time to break the cycle of abuse and face my demons... I-AM-BALD,-AND-I-NEED-TO-CUT-THIS-HIDEOUS-ATTEMPT-AT-A-FULL-HEAD-OF-HAIR-OFF." Now, don't you feel better? I know that I do! Now get out there and help your fellow man, Baldy!
2.) Self-Importance - Self-Importance shows its ugly face in many different ways. For example: Cell-Phones. Cells are handy little pieces of technology for the average person on the go who doesn't have the time to spend looking for a pay phone, since the Illuminati have apparently succeeded in wiping them all from the face of the earth. Here's where things get sticky, though. I have a cell, in fact, I just got my first one last Tuesday... but I have rules for my cell phone usage.
Rule #1 - No calls when I'm on the freeway, unless it's an emergency or there's so little traffic that it won't matter if I pay attention to the road or not.
Rule # 2 - I don't call anyone else just because I'm bored. It's unfair to share my boredom with anyone else, since it may ruin their good time. Besides, I hate it when people do it to me.
Rule #3 - Never wear one of those Star Trek-esque ear pieces... I'm not a Doctor, Stock Broker or Drug Dealer, so I shouldn't act as if my life is so fast-paced that I can't use my own hands to hold something a light as a fucking cell phone.
Those are my rules, and I would like it if everyone else would start following them as well, but I don't expect miracles. I would just be happy if people just followed Rule #1, and stopped using their cell phones whenever they're on the road. And here's the reason why: Most people apparently don't even know how to chew and breathe at the same time, so why should they be allowed to drive a car and talk on a cell?!
I've come pretty close to being killed by people driving and talking on their cells more times than I can count, and I'm getting sick of it. In fact, if you wanted this to be a fun law, you'd allow everyone on the road who sees someone else on the freeway talking on their cells to start going Road Warrior on these assholes as a lesson in common sense. And if you can't use your own logic, we will for you.
That's pretty much it for today, folks... have a great Thanksgiving.
1.) Comb-Overs - Alright, would everyone else start doing what I've been doing since I was twelve and start openly mocking these self-deceiving assholes for trying - in a rather vain attempt - to fool anyone into thinking that they have a full head of hair?! You're not fooling anyone, Mr. Trump! You're a fucking Millionaire, for fuck's sake! Either get a wig, hair plugs or a really cool-looking hat, because that monstrosity is a fucking abomination that deserves a good smiting from that God that I don't believe in! Whenever I see you on TV, I feel like I should call PETA and inform them that someone is doing an incredibly unethical thing to their hair!
This is proof to me that there isn't a God, since if there was, I don't think that he would tolerate this kind of shit... and not laugh. Right in your face. When everyone else is doing it behind your back. If it takes you one hour of every day to use the Black Arts to weave an incantation; summoning the Hoary Hosts from the flaming pits of the Ninth tier of Hell, in order to fool yourself into thinking that that gleaming dome on the top of your head has had any hair on it since the Carter Administration, just blow your brains out.
Many people have bald heads, men and women, and many other people think that it's sexy - not me of course, it's the only part of the body that prefer not to be shaved - but these people do exist. Grow up, look in the mirror and repeat after me: "I know that I have a problem. My problem is genetic... my Dad had it, my Grandpa had it, and now... I have it. The first step to recovery is admiting to myself that there is a problem, and I admit it. Now it's time to break the cycle of abuse and face my demons... I-AM-BALD,-AND-I-NEED-TO-CUT-THIS-HIDEOUS-ATTEMPT-AT-A-FULL-HEAD-OF-HAIR-OFF." Now, don't you feel better? I know that I do! Now get out there and help your fellow man, Baldy!
2.) Self-Importance - Self-Importance shows its ugly face in many different ways. For example: Cell-Phones. Cells are handy little pieces of technology for the average person on the go who doesn't have the time to spend looking for a pay phone, since the Illuminati have apparently succeeded in wiping them all from the face of the earth. Here's where things get sticky, though. I have a cell, in fact, I just got my first one last Tuesday... but I have rules for my cell phone usage.
Rule #1 - No calls when I'm on the freeway, unless it's an emergency or there's so little traffic that it won't matter if I pay attention to the road or not.
Rule # 2 - I don't call anyone else just because I'm bored. It's unfair to share my boredom with anyone else, since it may ruin their good time. Besides, I hate it when people do it to me.
Rule #3 - Never wear one of those Star Trek-esque ear pieces... I'm not a Doctor, Stock Broker or Drug Dealer, so I shouldn't act as if my life is so fast-paced that I can't use my own hands to hold something a light as a fucking cell phone.
Those are my rules, and I would like it if everyone else would start following them as well, but I don't expect miracles. I would just be happy if people just followed Rule #1, and stopped using their cell phones whenever they're on the road. And here's the reason why: Most people apparently don't even know how to chew and breathe at the same time, so why should they be allowed to drive a car and talk on a cell?!
I've come pretty close to being killed by people driving and talking on their cells more times than I can count, and I'm getting sick of it. In fact, if you wanted this to be a fun law, you'd allow everyone on the road who sees someone else on the freeway talking on their cells to start going Road Warrior on these assholes as a lesson in common sense. And if you can't use your own logic, we will for you.
That's pretty much it for today, folks... have a great Thanksgiving.
posted by Todd Tobin at 12:29 PM
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