"An Ode to Ann..."

I write this as a breathless commentary on that lovely maiden of the Right Wing: Ann Coulter.

Never mind that she has an Adam's Apple that makes me look like a 10-year-old Catholic school girl.

Never mind that she looks almost identical to Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs with his dick tucked between his legs and uttering "I'd fuck me..." while dancing.

Never mind that she slightly resembles Skeletor from the Masters of the Universe in drag.

Also forget that she kind of looks like a Post-Op Tranny... I bet her Birth Certificate says "Andrew Coulter", personally.

"It puts the Lotion in the basket!!!"

Sorry...

... no, I'm not sorry.

Look past her man-ish facade into the heart of this gentle soul that often refers to Bill Clinton as a Rapist (although, he's never been convicted) and see her for who she really is: a soulless, shrieking harpy, riddled with self-loathing, fawning over anyone that doesn't think that she's insane all while deeply thinking about whether it was a good idea to get that Penectomy after all.

Allow her to permeate your being with her utter lack of avuncular wit and inability to write a single piece of literature with a proper foot-or-end-note and her inability to stop plagarizing established works despite her education and Law degree from Cornell University.

Peel back the layers of nonsensical gibberish, muttering, "Liberals are Godless", "Jihad Monkeys" and that the Jersey widows of September 11th, 2001 "...enjoyed their husbands death(s)".

Now imagine if you said all these hateful, ignorant things and imagine where you'd be right now...

...that's right, you'd be in an Insane Asylum, getting dosed by complete strangers.

Man, being more wealthy than you deserve must be great, huh?

"Too Little, Too Late... Asshole."

Recently, the President has decided to finally do something about the ever-increasing cost of gas at the pumps… even if the things he proposed are only further endangering the environment! Wow, it only took that inept fuck 5 years to realize that he has a fucking job! Five years ago, when I lived in Santa Cruz with my Uncle Neal, this was a problem, and two years ago, it got the worst it’s ever been since 1981 in regards to gas prices. Now, I could list all the fuck-ups that have happened during this half-wit cokehead’s regime in this country since 2000, but that would take too much time… ah, fuck it, why not?!

1.) The Election-Rigging – I hate to bring up old shit, but this is the first thing that happened when Bush the Younger “took” office. We all know that Gore won this election (if even by a tiny sliver of 500,000 votes) and he did it legitimately. As we all now know, however, if your Daddy is a wealthy man who was also the former Director of the CIA, Vice President and then later on the President, you’ll always get a Pony on your Birthday. The Supreme Court, an antiquated hodge-podge of elderly, out-of-touch old farts, stepped in and called the fight for Bush… it’s like seeing someone get knocked out cold in a no-holds-barred UFC match, bloody and covered in bruises on the floor, and then seeing the dude who got the shit beat of him declared the winner, even if they have no knowledge of being knocked out in the first place. The Electoral College was a great idea when there was a mere 2 Million citizens in this country, but at the moment, it serves all the purpose of a strap-on for a race of alien beings that have no body cavities from which to receive pleasure. It’d be nice if we were an actual “Democracy”… y’know, so our votes would count.

2.) September 11th – We all know that if Gore was in office when this shit-storm of a cluster-fuck happened, he would’ve been immediately impeached, if not dragged out into the street and beaten to death by a blood-thirsty mob. Since, if the Christian Right lost their shit over Clinton getting a BJ, what would happen after thousands of our citizens died due to Governmental-wide incompetence? Apparently, nothing. I hate how the Republicans now use September 11th as some sort of universal excuse cudgel to do whatever illegal shit they can come up with… here’s a sample of how they explain whatever legitimate scandal the President is involved in, “You see John, in this post-9/11 world, nothing is certain…” It’s sickening. And if you wanna hear about some illegal shit, wait for it…

3.) The Department of Homeland Security – My, if anyone can assemble an utterly useless arm of the Federal Government, Bush is the master at that. Despite whenever I hear that name I think “Department of Fatherland Security”, this is the Branch that is supposed to be in charge of Immigration and National Security concerns… but apparently they’re run by people obsessed with color-coding shit. These are the geniuses that came up with the “Terror-Alert” color-coding system, which as we all know, is the biggest, steamiest, most corn-riddled piece of shit in the universe. First off, the Intelligence Community (or, more importantly, the FBI and CIA) knows most of the important crap that is coming down the pike before anyone else… that’s their job and they do it well, and I have no problem with them. My problem is how the DHS has stoked the smoldering embers of Xenophobia and Paranoia for over 4 years; patting down and searching people in airports that don’t require it and giving the minimum-wage Security Guards the umbrage to power-monger over innocent travelers who want to do nothing more than get on the damn plane. Trust me guys, you’re not gonna find bin Laden hiding in that 67 year old man’s ass… put the rubber gloves down. Also, it was nice how they issued “Terror Alerts” whenever John Kerry did well in the poles… that was really clever.

4.) Fake Intelligence – Lewis Black said it best when he said, “How could they not know that there weren’t any ‘Weapons of Mass Destruction’… I knew that, and I was just sitting on my fuckin’ couch!” Amen, man… amen. We all knew (well, those of us who knew anything about how we disarmed Saddam in the early 1990’s) there wasn’t anything there, and that the Bush Administration was grasping at straws when it came up with that excuse. Think of it like this: Bush is the popular dickhead at school who everyone for some unknown reason looks up to. And, as he’s walking down the hall, waving at his adoring classmates, he trips on a crack in the pavement and falls flat on his face. In order to make everyone continue to fear and respect him, he walks up to a complete stranger (a kid no one knows) and punches him in the face and keeps walking. That, in essence is what happened in Iraq; the school bully being proved wrong and being publicly embarrassed by something he can’t see or find (in this case, Osama bin Laden) and retaliates in order to distract people of how he fucked up in the first place. Only problem? Every group in Iraq (Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds) hates each others guts, and Saddam was the glue of fear that kept them at bay through an on-going series of random killings and intimidation. Was Saddam a bad guy? Sure… but he was only guilty of one thing: being Dubya’s Daddy’s left-over’s.

5.) Fudging the Statistics – Here’s one that really pisses me off. The Definition of the word “War Casualty” is stated as thus: “One injured, killed, captured, or missing in action through engagement with an enemy.” Anyone notice something wrong with the “Daily Casualty Toll” that you see on the news now? It probably says something like “2,500 Casualties”, right? Well, it’s more like 50,000. Here’s the reason: If you are taken off of the field of battle due to Death, Injury (amputation of limbs, etc.), Kidnapping or are Missing in Action, you are considered a “Casualty”… how many of our people (civilians and military) have been taken from the field? That’s your Casualty total… being dead isn’t the only kind of number you mark down. Not to mention that many of the dying are shipped off to Germany for surgery and end up dying on the table. Those soldiers are unlikely to be listed on the Casualty Toll, since they didn’t technically die in Iraq. It’s popularly known as “Creative Accounting”. Bush’s buddies at Enron know all about that technique. The Bush Administration is not being truthful with how many people are “Casualties of War”… but that’s no surprise, since they’re never honest about anything… after all, how many people have to die before just one member of the Administration goes to a Military Funeral? I’m guessing we’ll never know… since they never will.

Keep in mind that this isn't a complete list... it's just the first part of an ongoing series. I'm currently working on ten more items for the list, I just need to research them more in order to write on them in any type of informed way.

Keep a look out for the next one, folks...

"It's Good To Be Back..."

For those of you wondering, I've been unable to access my Blog due to Government restrictions placed on my Internet access at work (the only place that I have a computer to use), so I haven't been able to add anything for about two months. I know that there aren't that many people who read this shit that I write, but I felt like explaining it since I'm back.

Also, it turns out that me and Kristi's relationship ending affected me more than I originally thought it would and I probably could've used that time off. Unfortunately, I didn't have access to this Blog, so it kind of ate away at me for a while... but it appears that I'm on the path to recovery at this point. I find it strange that everytime a relationship ends for me, it affects me differently... in this case there was this weird part of me that was relieved that it ended, but the other two parts were guilt and angst... am I the only one that experiences that? I think that this was the most pleasant of all my break-ups, on the other hand, since the last major relationship I had left me a shattered man; bitter and incapable of trusting any woman for any reason. It took me two years to get over that... so by comparison, this one was difficult, but not as bad. It's probably because me and Kristi were good friends in addition to being boyfriend and girlfriend.

Now, there have been a lot of things happening lately that I think need to be addressed... so on with the show!

There’s been a lot of arguing in Washington DC, the South and the Mid-West lately over whether or not Gay men and women should be allowed to have same-sex marriages. You probably noticed that I left out the West Coast and the North-East... it should be obvious why.

Now, here’s something I don’t get. Since when are the people that aren’t going to participate in something like Gay Marriage (excluding of course, all the bitter, closeted Republicans) being allowed to legislate their own bigotry? I personally think making it okay for Gays to marry is a good thing, since with about 50% of straight marriages ending in divorce, the loyalty and understanding of the gay community could help pump up those numbers; showing that not all people that enter into serious “life-time” commitments are total fuck-ups.

Also, who says that marriage has any “Sanctity”, anyway? Last time I checked, the root of marriage back in the middle and dark ages was as a business agreement between families, and the church was the crooked cop that took a “modest stipend”, did the sign of the Cross and looked the other way… what other reason could there be for two thirteen year olds marrying? And don’t give me that crap about how short the human lifespan was back then, that’s just an excuse… and if that’s your reasoning for that kind of thing, you’d allow a ten year old to marry if he were dying of terminal cancer, now wouldn’t you?

I have nothing against marriage, but I also don’t think that it’s the be all and end all of human existence, either. If you wanna get married, cool… feel free. Just don’t try to tell me what’s right and wrong as far as marriage is concerned based off of your narrow interpretation of a clever little collection of children’s fables, alright? I think that this whole subject is just a clever marketing ploy by the Neo-Con’s in Washington to get the ignorant and close-minded to vote for them again, you know what I mean?

I mean, think of it this way: These dipshits (Dipshits "A") elect those dipshits (Dipshits "B") in the hopes that their own ignorant agendas will be advanced, and when Dipshit Group "A" does get them (Dipshits "B") into office, they don’t do any of the shit that they told Dipshit Group "A" they would if they got into office! Sounds to me like someone’s getting fucked in this equation, and it ain’t Dipshit Group B.

Look, Human and Civil Rights dictate that all people are supposed to be treated as equals under the Law, and to stop two men or two women from marrying is very similar to the old Southern Law that said that a Black man or woman couldn't marry a White person. That's some pretty racist shit, but it seems okay for everyone to dogpile on the LGBT (that's Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender to those that don't know) community when it comes to marriage. Hey, if anyone wants to get married, feel free to do so, I have no vested interest in your personal life. But I would do one thing: Wish you the best of luck and hope that your marriage lasts and gives you all the happiness you deserve.

And that's regardless of what your sexual preference is.