"Todd turns... 28?!"

Well, I'm sure that's a sentence that many didn't expect to read!

There was a time in my life when I never expected to have lived this long... but here I am anyway. Life has had a great many curveballs that it's lobbed at me like the fat kid during a Dodgeball game, but I've amazingly evaded most of the balls. There have been some that I haven't dodged, however... such as a struggle I used to have with Passive Aggressive actions against my Step-Dad, Bob as a teenager. I pretty much got over that when I joined the Navy in the mid-90's, and me and Bob have got along pretty well ever since. I also had a rather lengthy arm-wrestling match (about 4 years long) with excessive drinking, which I've since learned to curb. Many people that know me may say otherwise in regards to my drinking habits, so I have a question for them: When's the last time you saw me drink until I puked?! Hmmmm?! I thought so... moving along...

When I was a kid, I had a lot of problems with authority and responsibility, and I think that as time passed, I learned to overcome these things. Sure, I'm not perfect, I have my failings. For instance, I like to laugh inappropriately at the most gruesome scenes in horror films. Don't ask me why... I just do. My Mom says that I'm sick, but I like to look at it this way: She put in half on how sick I am... so the blame is half hers, one sixth my Dad's, one sixth my first Step-Dad Gary's and one sixth my present Step-Dad Bob's. Although, being that I spent the vast majority of my formative years with Bob, and the added fact that he's a psychologist... the blame could just as easily be on him more so than the others. And yes, I hate fractions as much as everyone else.

To wrap up this particular segment, I would like to list the things that I've learned in the last 28 years, and what I want to accomplish by my 29th Birthday. First, what I've learned:

1.) That 50 Cent is the new MC Hammer, but without the talent... personality... or looks.

2.) People with big guts wearing tight clothes (yes ladies, you too) need to be put in front of a mirror and shamed into getting clothes that fit... I don't need to retch while shopping.

3.) Bill O'Reilly needs to be beaten about the head and neck with a Christmas Stocking full of Silver Dollars on The O'Reilly Factor by "The Liberal Press" live on camera; which would end up just being Al Franken, Marc Maron and Stephanie Miller.

4.) Stretchmarks on men are just as attractive as they are on women... meaning of course that they never are.

5.) A 6 Foot 4, 250 pound man who's a Firefighter isn't guaranteed to have a big schlong, ladies... he's more likely to have a dick so small that he pees on his own balls everyday at the urinal.

6.) Electing an Alcoholic Cokehead into Presidential office is never a good idea... maybe one or the other is okay (that's you, Marion Barry), but not both... that's just too much.

7.) We're all going to die someday, but if you have to go... try to make it as funny as you can.

8.) It never hurts to cuddle, guys... it may stop your girl from cheating on you with a roadie for Usher in the future.

9.) Men don't obey the laws of this country because it's wrong... they obey them because they don't want their asses raped.

10.) My room-mate Joe really, really likes free online Poker... seriously.

Now onto my goals!

1.) Get another gym subscription, and get my fat ass back in shape... I'm in shape now, but "Pear" isn't an especially attractive shape.

2.) If I can't stop smoking again, at least get addicted to something more fun... like heroin.

3.) Give to another charity, not just "The National Endowment For The Drug Habits Of Hookers, International".

4.) Get onstage at a Comedy Club in L.A. and not bomb...

5.) Beat Doom 3 on my Xbox... while sober.

6.) Move in with my girlfriend, Kristi.

7.) Get back on a diet that isn't solely comprised of the combined menu's of Taco Bell, the 1 Dollar menu of McDonald's, Doubles and Jack in the Box.

8.) Get all the equiment necessary for a real DJ set-up... I like scratchin' and cuttin' like DJ Babu...

9.) I got nothin'...


And that's pretty much it, folks... have a great weekend!

"The Money-Order Gambit"

This story that I've written is 100% true... no shit. So here it is, in all its ridiculously mind-numbing glory:

I bought a money-order from a local check cashing place in order to pay a bill that it turned out that I didn't need to pay off, so I went back to the check cashing place in order to redeem it. I waited in line for about five minutes and finally had a little face time with the G.E.D. recipient behind the bullet-proof glass. I pulled out the money-order and lined out the the name of the company that the money-order was for and I wrote my name above the old name.

I looked up to see the look on the face of the employee behind the glass and he said, "Oh, man... you shouldn't have done that..." I had no clue what he was talking about, so I said, "What?" He pointed at the money-order and breathed, "That... you shouldn't have lined out the other name that was on it... now we can't give you your money back." I looked at him for a couple of seconds and said, "Are you fucking kidding me?!" He shook his big head and said, "Nope... once you line it out, it's like a check and the company that issues them won't re-imburse us for the value of the money-order."

Now keep in mind, I was pretty much broke... and this was something that I had already paid for, so I started to really get pissed. I leaned on the narrow counter and looked him right in the eye and asked, "How is it that you can't redeem this money-order that I bought here, from you, with my money, not two weeks ago... this isn't a fucking check, this is a money-order! I already paid for this apparently valueless piece of shit, and you have the balls to tell me that you can't cash something that was purchased from your own business?! I've got the receipt that says I paid for this, I have the money-order itself, I've got both Federal and State ID's that say that I'm the person that purchased it... so what's the problem?"

He looked at me with the kind of quizzical look that your Dog gives you when you change his brand of Dog Food and said, "If you initialed it, it would be okay... but you lined out the name. That could be interpreted by the company that issues these money-orders as fraud." I was starting to get a head-ache, and I knew that I was turning beet-red, so I did my best to stay calm... but it didn't work. "But I lined it out right in front of you, and you said nothing to me about it! Why can't I just initial what I marked out and just have you cash it?" He started to get that blank stare on his face again, so I gave up on a logical series of questioning for this half-wit.

Rubbing my forehead, I asked him, "So, what do I have to do to get this cashed?" He said, "You have to call the 1-800 number on the back of the money-order and follow the steps that the person on the phone tells you to follow, and I'm sure that you'll have to pay $12.99 just to have another one printed and mailed to you." I started to come further un-glued by that, "I have to pay to have someone else re-issue a money-order that I've already paid for? Is the world on crack?!" He looked apologetically at me and said, "Sorry man... that's the way the company does it. We have no say in the matter." I put all my stuff back in my pocket and said, "Congratulations, asshole... you've just lost a customer." and walked out.

I got into my car so pissed that I felt like strangling someone... and I even entertained the thought of driving my car through the glass front of the business. Instead, I drove home and thought about it for a little bit. The mere fact that I couldn't cash the money-order was filling my thoughts, so I did what most people would do... I called my Mom. Unfortunately, she wasn't home, so I left a message. I then called my girlfriend, Kristi and she told me to try some of the other places in town that issue money-orders, since they may have a way to cash it that the other company was unaware of.

I tried them all; Albertsons, Save-On, Stater Brothers and even my own bank... none of them could help me. Later on in the evening, my Mom called me back and I told her the whole story... she said that she'd spot me the money until a new money-order was mailed back to me, to send it registered mail and to make copies of the money-order before I sent it out. She then told me that this was a perfect example of why I should only get money-orders from our bank, being that they don't have their heads up their asses like the place that I got this money-order. Good advice... and it's advice that I have since taken to heart.

Hopefully this sad, pathetic story helps someone and reminds us all that money-orders are for suckers... and in the case of this story, you might as well call me "Blow-Pop" or "Charms".