"Non-Comment 'Comments'"

Okay, this goes out to all of you people that feel the primal urge to self-promote on a personal Blog like mine that is dedicated to comic observations and poking fun at popular culture: Cut it the fuck out! What the hell are you people thinking?! Do you walk up to people that you don't know on the street and say, "Hi, do you have trouble keeping your erections as hard as a Physics Test? I have here in my hot little hands the cure to all that ails you! Click here to get a free test packet of five!" And then point at the top of your pointed heads? I didn't think so... so stop it.

This is meant to be an entertainment-oriented blog, and so far as I can tell, I have succeeded in doing what I aimed to do: Make at least one or two people laugh about the things that bother all of us, and this kind of shit is exactly the stuff that I write about in my regular blog postings... so don't give me any more ammo to go after you. You really don't want me naming websites on this blog... that is, if you've ever actually read any of my stuff, which I doubt you have.

Seriously, this is the kind of thing that is simultaneously funny and frustrating. To a lesser extent, it's like writing in your diary and going to sleep, and then waking up to find that someone slapped a fucking Halvoline Motor Oil bumper sticker on the cover and put it back. So please, if you have a comment, leave one... I look forward to them. And, if you do want to put a little advertisement of whatever it is that you do on your time off, at least leave a comment afterwards. That kind of stuff doesn't bother me.

Because when it comes right down to it, it's called "Comments", not "Ads-For-Jag-Offs-That-Live-In-Their-Grandparents-Basements-Posting-Area". To all of you out there that read my Blog, thank you for reading my crap... really, sincerely, Thank You. But for the rest of you Ad-Monkeys? Go jump in wood chipper. We already see ads everywhere we go on this planet, and the last thing we want to see when we're laughing is some guy in a lab coat popping up and saying, "Brought to you by the good people at Dow Chemicals, purveyors of the world's finest contributors to your child's birth defects since 1897."

Hopefully, this kind of stuff will stop now, but if it doesn't... I can make it funnier by talking about their sites in a way that is less than positive. So, if you feel the urge to do that stuff on this site, I will look at your site, and then basically give your site the equivalent of a Friar's Roast... but without the good-natured insults.

And that's all I really have to complain about for now, folks... remember to tip your waitresses.

"Underground 101-A"

Welcome to another installment of Underground 101, HipHoppers! Now on to some of the lesser-known, but not necessarily less-respected Emcees of the North American Continent!



This imposing-looking cat's name is Saukrates... guess where he's from. No, really... I'll give you a minute to think about it...

You done? Did you guess Toronto, Canada? Than you'd be right! Sauk's from "T-Dot"... now that answers your questions of whether or not any Black people live in Canada, doesn't it? Yes, there are many talented Emcees from T-Dot (Kardinal Offishall, Choclair, etc...) but I'm guessing that you didn't know that, did you? Yes, our friendly, frosty, Carhart-loving neighbors to the North house a great many Emcees, and Sauk is their big dog at the moment, and has been since Arcee (a Canadian group) first popped up on our radar in the mid-to-late-90's on the World Famous Wake-Up Show with Tech and Sway. If you want a quick, intelligent and dexterous Emcee with an original flow, this is the guy for you... and many an Emcee has guested on a Saukrates joint (Xzibit, for instance), and shined all the brighter because of it. If you're interested in more info on Sauk, check out www.rapdict.org/Saukrates and you should find it there. If not, Google works just fine.

Favorite Quote: "As mighty a man you've ever seen spitting amphetamine//To all those congested my job raw never clean//A toast to the uncontested, murderer I mark your mistake as soon as you're rested// I heard of ya Unattended for your double breasted bulletproof vest kid// - Fine Line Lyrics (How High Soundtrack)

And what list of Underground Emcees would be complete without the Blastmasta, Teacha and all-around Legend, KRS-ONE (Knowledge Reigns Supreme Over Nearly Everyone)? Boring as hell and incredibly lacking in credibility, that's what. He's put out over 10 albums over a nearly 20-year career as an Emcee reppin' for the Boogie Down Bronx... and he's still feared for his lyrical ass-whoopings (ask Nelly, he got served like a Steak dinner) and respected for being a positive force in HipHop Culture (getting it recognized as an official culture by the UN a couple of years back) ever since he put out "South Bronx" in the mid-80's. If you don't know who he is, you need to study up on the history of HipHop, and you'll find that he is literally HipHop in the flesh; his encyclopedic knowledge of the history and those involved in that history, is legendary. And he still remains as down to earth as a person of his stature in HipHop culture can. Check out www.templeofhiphop.org and find out what you've been missing... I've been a member of the Temple (A HipHop Preservation Society) since '97.

Favorite Quote: "I don't live that life Diamonds, Gold, Platinum, I give to my Wife// You see Diamonds are a girls best friend, not mine// But what about that rhyme?// Can you spit quick like Watermelon pits at a picnic?//" - Freestyle (Keep Right)

And finally, here is a group you probably don't know about... Glue. Producer: Maker, Emcee: Adeem (pronounced A-Dee-M) and DJ: DJ DQ (left to right). Maker and DQ are from Chicago, and Adeem is from New Hampshire... not a likely place to find an Emcee, I know, but some of the greatest talents often flourish in the most unlikely of places (for instance, Frank Zappa is from Lancaster, CA... betcha didn't know that, did you?). I first heard of Adeem in 2000, at a Emcee Battle in San Jose, CA... and he served Prime (of Typical Cats from Chicago)in a way that can only be descibed as comical ("You homo-phobic, fuck-fuckin'-fuckin'-fuck// come back next time, maybe then you'll have better luck")... ever since then I knew that this guy was gonna be big. Sure, Glue is still Underground, but with the originality of the subject-matter that Adeem comes up with, Maker's production skills and DJ DQ's turntablism... they're on the rise. If you see Glue's "Seconds Away" CD anywhere, grab it. I was lucky enough to meet Adeem when I went with Life For The Better (a local HipHop group) - one of his opening acts - to a show in a warehouse in LA a year or two ago... a cool guy, so was DQ. They signed my copy of Seconds Away, and thanked anyone who asked for their signatures... before they even signed anything. I'm not going to put a Favorite Quotes after this one, since my favorite was already mentioned from that battle with Prime... man, I still laugh to myself whenever I think of that.

And that's it for this installment, hope you learned something new...

"Underground 101"

Welcome to the world of Underground HipHop, I'll be your guide to the most talented and original Emcees out today. Now onto the Hit List:

This is Aesop Rock, a Long Islander who's been living in Brooklyn, New York for the last couple of years. He's on the Definitive Jux label, and likes to mention the Coney Island Wonder Wheel in his songs... he even had a picture of himself sitting in front of it in the liner notes of Bazooka Tooth, his 2004 release. Anybody who knows who this guy knows that to call his flow "Unorthodox" is a severe understatement. I first was exposed to Ace Rizzle when I got the Molemen's "Ritual of the Molemen" in 2001, on the single "Put Ya Quarters Up" with MF Doom and Slug... I was astounded by what he said without understanding exactly what he said at the same time. So, I bought "The Daylight EP" and was equally impressed with his originality and wide breadth of subject matter (from severe Depression to insulting idiots). After all, it wouldn't be Underground if you heard it on the radio, would it?

Favorite Quote: "Life's not a Bitch, life's a beautiful woman// You only call her a Bitch because she won't let you get that Pussy" - The Daylight EP



Now, if you think that Kanye West's sell-out, commerical ass is an Underground Emcee from Chicago, you don't know shit. Meet Juice, a real Battle Emcee from the Windy City, who has served more of your favorite Rappers since the early 90's than MacDonalds. Just ask Eminem... he whooped up on Em not once but twice. Known by most HipHop heads as one of the most talented lyricists on the planet, he's the greatest Emcee that you know nothing about... because for some reason, the truly talented in HipHop never get signed... since they have this thing against conforming to Corporate standards, and staying true to their fans. Juice is a perfect example of this. I could talk about him all day long, but find out about him by putting "MC Juice" in www.google.com and find out for yourself... you won't be disappointed. I promise.

Favorite Quote: "I don't need to cuss when I bust // I turned Arthur to ashes, and Emcees to dust" - Freestyle on the Wake-Up Show

Here's another dude that you should know about, from the Boogie-Down Bronx... C-Rayz Walz. He's also on Definitive Jux, with labelmate Aesop Rock, and in order to understand who he is, think of it this way: Combine the funniest dude you can think of with the deepest philosopher that you can imagine, and you get C-Rayz. I first heard about him by going to Underground Emcee Battles, and hearing some of the funniest one-liners come out of this dudes mouth ("You couldn't move the crowd if you threw rocks at the audience"), and I couldn't wait to get a hold of one of his CD's, which I finally did when I bought "Ravipops" a couple of years ago... because up until then, I couldn't find anything out there with him on it. I personally think that "Ravipops" is a true HipHop classic, and if you can get a hold of a copy, do so... it's worth the $16.99. Google him, too... you can find out plenty about him through that site.

Favorite Quote: "I raised my Daughter and taught her// to put six to your chest// Like Julius Erving// you stepped in the Cypha// you foolishly swerving" - 'Floe', on Ravipops

That's about it for today, I have to go home... it's 4:30 pm.