"Todd Asks God The Tough Questions!"
I recently met God at a local Sports bar in Lancaster, and decided to ask him a few questions that I feel are important, and he was glad to speak his mind. And yes, he has Dreds.
Todd - So, I have a few questions here that I'd like to ask you... first, should I call you "God", "Yahweh", "Allah", "Jah"?
God - Whatever works for you, man. It's all the same to me... my friends just call me "Big G", though.
T - Okay, G...
G - Hold on... I didn't say that you were a friend, Todd... as I recall, you're an Atheist.
T - Well, yeah... but does that mean that I'm not a friend?
G - You know what would make you a friend?
T - No, what?
G - Get me a large Fosters, a shot of Stolly's and a dozen Buffalo Wings... and all your sins are forgiven.
T - Really?
G - No... almost had you there for a minute, huh?
T - Okay... hey Mary? Could you get a shot of Stolly's, a large Fosters and a dozen Buffalo Wings for the gentleman in the Dreadlocks? Huh?
G - What is it?
T - She said they're out of Stolly's.
G - Tell her to check again...
T - Hey Mare? Could you check again? What was that?
G - What?
T - She said that another one just appeared on the bar.
G - Yeah, I know...
T - Oh, so you?
G - Yeah, I just did that. Pretty cool, huh?
T - Yeah, that's a pretty neat trick... but if you can make it yourself, why am I paying for it?
G - Y'know Todd, you ask too many questions.
T - Yeah? Well, I tend to do that... it's called thinking.
G - Don't get sarcastic with me...
T - Or what? You'll turn me into a bottle of Stolly's?!
G - You see, now you're getting blasphemous...
T - I don't even believe in you, how can I be "Blasphemous"?!
G - Well, you got me there...
T - Now, can I get back to asking you some questions?
G - I guess so...
T - I'd like proof that you're God.
G - Like what? An I.D. or something? Look, beings like me don't waste time proving who we are, Todd... it's just gets too complicated. I could fix something for you, if you'd like... as long as doesn't involve free will.
T - Like what?
G - I can't cure alcoholism or drug addictions, since those are choices. Nor can I fix kinky sexual fetishes, since they're just release mechanisms for the human mind and there's nothing wrong with having them... I also can't make you rich, popular or a genius, so don't ask.
T - S0 why can't you make me rich, popular or a genius?
G - I can't make you popular because if you wanted to be popular, you could do it yourself. The same goes for vast knowledge; all you have to do is study. Also, in order to make you rich, I'd have to take from others, and you couldn't live with that, could you?
T - No, that would be unfair to others.
G - But, I can fix something that you were born with and has messed with your life since childhood...
T - Hey, the Doctor said that those Mole's aren't malignant...
G - No, I mean your Bleeding Disorder, stupid.
T - Oh...
G - Would you like to think about it?
T - No, I already have the answer for that.
G - And...?
T - I'm cool... I'll keep the bleeding disorder.
G - Why?
T - Because it's helped in defining who I am, what my hobbies are, my view of people with disabilities and life in general. If I knew that, as a kid, I could do all the stupid shit that kids do and not worry about running the risk of bleeding to death upon being injured... that would completely change who I am. And I'm basically fine with who I am.
G - Well, it's been a good conversation, and the Buffalo Wings were really good, but I've got things to do, people to corrupt...
T - Wait, did you just say "corrupt"?
G - Yeah, and?
T- Why would you do that? I thought that you were supposed to be the good guy!
G - Didn't you read the Old Testament?
T - Yeah, a little bit...
G - Okay, this has nothing to do with me being good or bad, this is my job. What you may call bad, I call an important part of creation. Look, The Devil and God are the same thing, otherwise Christianity would be a poly-theistic faith. I am the equivelant of, say... a "Quality Control" inspector... I go from person to person, testing them on the strength of their resolve and character in order to see how they may turn out later on in life. I'm not evil or good, I'm impartial; have you noticed that there are a lot of evil people and assholes in the world?
T - Yeah...
G - Well, they're just as big of a part of the equation as the goody-goodies and people like you are.
T - People like me?
G - Yes. Those that question all things are in many ways the backbone of humanity; never allowing themselves to subscribe to any one belief set since they know that all faiths are in one way or another inherrently flawed due to the involvement of humans. The people at the middle of the spectrum of faith are the historians, artists and builders that remind people of the past while at the same time showing the promise of the future in all that they do... not believing in any one version of "God" is part of what makes you what you are: and impartial observer.
T - Ahhh...
G - And unfortunately, all the Stolly's shots and Buffalo Wings in the universe won't get you into heaven...
T - Crap.
G - But it does get you one thing, though...
T - What's that?
G - A good conversation and a shot at reincarnation... that's a pretty sweet deal, in my book. And with that I've got to go... have a good life. And next time, I'm buying.
T - Cool... thanks for the advice.
And with that, he left... and I had to pick up the tab. I never knew that shots of Stolly's were so fucking expensive. I mean really, you're just getting a small amount of alcohol for Christ's sake! $6.75 for a timble of booze?!
Man, God's a free-loader...
Todd - So, I have a few questions here that I'd like to ask you... first, should I call you "God", "Yahweh", "Allah", "Jah"?
God - Whatever works for you, man. It's all the same to me... my friends just call me "Big G", though.
T - Okay, G...
G - Hold on... I didn't say that you were a friend, Todd... as I recall, you're an Atheist.
T - Well, yeah... but does that mean that I'm not a friend?
G - You know what would make you a friend?
T - No, what?
G - Get me a large Fosters, a shot of Stolly's and a dozen Buffalo Wings... and all your sins are forgiven.
T - Really?
G - No... almost had you there for a minute, huh?
T - Okay... hey Mary? Could you get a shot of Stolly's, a large Fosters and a dozen Buffalo Wings for the gentleman in the Dreadlocks? Huh?
G - What is it?
T - She said they're out of Stolly's.
G - Tell her to check again...
T - Hey Mare? Could you check again? What was that?
G - What?
T - She said that another one just appeared on the bar.
G - Yeah, I know...
T - Oh, so you?
G - Yeah, I just did that. Pretty cool, huh?
T - Yeah, that's a pretty neat trick... but if you can make it yourself, why am I paying for it?
G - Y'know Todd, you ask too many questions.
T - Yeah? Well, I tend to do that... it's called thinking.
G - Don't get sarcastic with me...
T - Or what? You'll turn me into a bottle of Stolly's?!
G - You see, now you're getting blasphemous...
T - I don't even believe in you, how can I be "Blasphemous"?!
G - Well, you got me there...
T - Now, can I get back to asking you some questions?
G - I guess so...
T - I'd like proof that you're God.
G - Like what? An I.D. or something? Look, beings like me don't waste time proving who we are, Todd... it's just gets too complicated. I could fix something for you, if you'd like... as long as doesn't involve free will.
T - Like what?
G - I can't cure alcoholism or drug addictions, since those are choices. Nor can I fix kinky sexual fetishes, since they're just release mechanisms for the human mind and there's nothing wrong with having them... I also can't make you rich, popular or a genius, so don't ask.
T - S0 why can't you make me rich, popular or a genius?
G - I can't make you popular because if you wanted to be popular, you could do it yourself. The same goes for vast knowledge; all you have to do is study. Also, in order to make you rich, I'd have to take from others, and you couldn't live with that, could you?
T - No, that would be unfair to others.
G - But, I can fix something that you were born with and has messed with your life since childhood...
T - Hey, the Doctor said that those Mole's aren't malignant...
G - No, I mean your Bleeding Disorder, stupid.
T - Oh...
G - Would you like to think about it?
T - No, I already have the answer for that.
G - And...?
T - I'm cool... I'll keep the bleeding disorder.
G - Why?
T - Because it's helped in defining who I am, what my hobbies are, my view of people with disabilities and life in general. If I knew that, as a kid, I could do all the stupid shit that kids do and not worry about running the risk of bleeding to death upon being injured... that would completely change who I am. And I'm basically fine with who I am.
G - Well, it's been a good conversation, and the Buffalo Wings were really good, but I've got things to do, people to corrupt...
T - Wait, did you just say "corrupt"?
G - Yeah, and?
T- Why would you do that? I thought that you were supposed to be the good guy!
G - Didn't you read the Old Testament?
T - Yeah, a little bit...
G - Okay, this has nothing to do with me being good or bad, this is my job. What you may call bad, I call an important part of creation. Look, The Devil and God are the same thing, otherwise Christianity would be a poly-theistic faith. I am the equivelant of, say... a "Quality Control" inspector... I go from person to person, testing them on the strength of their resolve and character in order to see how they may turn out later on in life. I'm not evil or good, I'm impartial; have you noticed that there are a lot of evil people and assholes in the world?
T - Yeah...
G - Well, they're just as big of a part of the equation as the goody-goodies and people like you are.
T - People like me?
G - Yes. Those that question all things are in many ways the backbone of humanity; never allowing themselves to subscribe to any one belief set since they know that all faiths are in one way or another inherrently flawed due to the involvement of humans. The people at the middle of the spectrum of faith are the historians, artists and builders that remind people of the past while at the same time showing the promise of the future in all that they do... not believing in any one version of "God" is part of what makes you what you are: and impartial observer.
T - Ahhh...
G - And unfortunately, all the Stolly's shots and Buffalo Wings in the universe won't get you into heaven...
T - Crap.
G - But it does get you one thing, though...
T - What's that?
G - A good conversation and a shot at reincarnation... that's a pretty sweet deal, in my book. And with that I've got to go... have a good life. And next time, I'm buying.
T - Cool... thanks for the advice.
And with that, he left... and I had to pick up the tab. I never knew that shots of Stolly's were so fucking expensive. I mean really, you're just getting a small amount of alcohol for Christ's sake! $6.75 for a timble of booze?!
Man, God's a free-loader...
posted by Todd Tobin at 9:43 AM
7 Comments:
Okay... very clever post...
I guess first off I should tell you that I hold Christian beliefs... however I believe in God but not the church... ask if you’re interested...
Before you say anything though I want to tell you that I am not here to save you because I have no interest in trying to convince anyone about my beliefs... because I believe that everyone must come to their own beliefs on their own. I also respect people for having their own beliefs and their own way of doing things as long as they stay true to themselves.
I find it amusing that you called God impartial, then yourself impartial... that is all... being Atheist does not make you impartial... Agnostic maybe? Although there is problems with that as well…
Faith is not flawed either, sure to have it will expose you to being vulnerability but in and of itself it is not flawed. That is the true beauty of beliefs...
I can’t fathom God and the Devil being one creation either…
Well that is just what came to mind... not that you asked... lol.
Thanks for noting the cleverness, Shmamber.
I was an Altar Boy for most of my childhood, but I never really believed in the things that the Priest said. However, I did appreciate the message of most of the sermons, and the rationale that was a main component of the speeches, i.e., Compassion, Charity and Kindness.
I'm glad that you didn't write to try to "Save" me, since I don't require saving. The whole "Being Saved" mentality is one of the most self-centered things that has come out of the Christian faith since it's inception. It is apparently based off the belief that people of other faiths and ideological themes are inferior; hence, they need to be "Saved". It's also a fairly recent practice.
I came to my beliefs on my own, and they reflect who I am as a person. I don't discount the merit of religion or faith, I just don't share that faith with most people. However, I do think that if, in many cases, Christianity hadn't existed, most of the greatest works of art would never had been created. Also, I know that many of said pieces of art were commissioned primarily as P.R. to get people in the pews. That isn't a cynical point of view, either... just a practical one. The Church (regardless of Denomination) is still a business, after all.
I've always viewed God - in the Christian sense, post-Old Testament - as impartial; watching things happening and doing little on his/her/it's own, instead transitioning the majority of the workload onto the shoulders of Jesus, Angels and Saints. I always found it interesting that God did little on his own, but instead chose certain people to do certain things... that is if you believe what's in the Bible to be the actual truth.
I used the word impartial to describe myself and God - again, this is a parody - since I couldn't come up with another word. It wasn't intentional, it just worked out that way. Largely, Atheists in my experience are impartial; they grew up in a set faith typically, and never involved themselves, since it would seem hypocritical to attend a Church/Temple/Mosque to profess a faith that they don't believe in.
Faith is the knowledge that something bigger than you exists and that you can't see it, correct? It is also almost impossible to prove that what you believe in even exists. "Faith" as you mean it, being the way that I just described in the beginning of this paragraph isn't how "Faith" in what is in this Blog segment that you read is intended as.
"Faith" in the segment refers to organized systems of belief, not personal religious ideology. So, in the way that you mean it, you're correct, but in the way that I wrote it, I condemned what I've called "The Hive Mind" mentality; wherein your beliefs contradict what your eyes see. However, I think that beliefs, in and of themselves, are indeed beautiful things.
If you think in the Christian sense, God is supposed to be omni-present, and part of everything. So, in that sense, God and the Devil are just two sides of judgement, and are technically the same being with two roles. Again, I don't claim to be a Biblical scholar, nor can I assume to know all things religious, this was meant as a parody, but if you want to start a big discussion, I'm all for it.
Thanks for writing, Shmamber... feel free to respond if you have the time.
Todd, Thank you for this. I was wondering when you might tackle this particular topic. I like the method. Very cool. The concept that organized religions are "inherrently flawed due to the involvement of humans" is certainly one of the biggest truths. This statement was not a blanket generalization about faith itself. Okay, I'm starting to sound like I'm going to rebut each of shmamber's statements. But honestly, that's what got me writing. Anyway, as to being impartial, I think Atheists have a bunch more perspective than those of organized faith. A little more open-minded in my experience. That could be an individual observation on my part, but I daresay they think more impartially about the overall topic without emotional biases.
Overall, I enjoyed the benevolent imagery of Todd's big G. Certainly an interesting conversation. I wish there was more give and take along those lines of thought. Organized religion (at least outward focused ones like Judao-Christian) tends to present dogma, and you're either in or you're out. No questions tolerated about it. If you harbor doubts, they are for testing you and you're supposed to strive to overcome them and become "Christlike". Striving for perfection by sublimating my ability to form rational arguments and reason. Never liked that much. Well anyway, an enjoyable blog.
Oh I agree with you one hundred percent about the church and some Christians think that others beliefs or ideologies somehow are wrong because they don't subscribe to the same beliefs. I can't understand how anyone can be like that... that is why I wanted to tell you that just because I am a Christian does not mean that I am preachy or that I think any others should subscribe to my faith... nor do I think that I am superior in any way.
I have come to my own beliefs because of my experience. I am also a very accepting person and I know that you can learn a lot from other people and other races...
I believe in a Creator, I call him God... I talk to him often, have a decent relationship with him.
I can not be a part of a church though it does not seem to be what is right for me. I do not like how they talk about people going to hell... I do not like that they preach that others that do not believe or have Jesus in their heart will go to hell. I just don't think my God would do that to anything or anyone....
I also have a hard time believing in a devil... I think we create evil all on our own with options.
I took many philosophy classes and was beaten and battered in class because of my beliefs, it was quite funny to me actually that the class room was divided into 3 categories... Christians/and or people that believed in a faith... Agnostics and Atheists...
Atheists are not impartial, just like People who believe in a faith are not either. Why I say this is this....
Impartial
adj 1: showing lack of favoritism; "the cold neutrality of an impartial judge" [syn: fair] [ant: partial] 2: free from undue bias or preconceived opinions; "an unprejudiced appraisal of the pros and cons"; "the impartial eye of a scientist" [syn: unprejudiced] [ant: prejudiced]
If you believe one way or another you can not be impartial. We are all bias and we all have preconceived opinions... therefore being atheist is a choice as well. How did they come up with that choice, well with their own experiences... which are biased...?
Just like my own beliefs are biased. I come to them because of the experiences I have had...so do the Atheists, the Buddhists... Hindus.... and any other believer or non believer...
I do understand that it was a Parody, and it shows just how clever you are.
I just wanted to say to you that just because you believe one way or another does not make you impartial... we all came to our own beliefs based on experience. In no way am I knocking what you wrote, it was very good... I could not have done it better myself. I was just expressing what came to mind as a result of it.... You are either impartial or you are not… there is no grey area is there?
I enjoy reading your blog... see you guys later...
Kind of like brain candy...
Hey guys,
Okay, I've met people who believe in most of the major faiths in this world (Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Wiccans, New Age Hippy-types) and for the most part everyone has the same basic tenets in their Faith, the only difference is the outfit their particular big guy/girl(s) wears.
However, there are people out there that aren't really Atheists that call themselves "Atheists", that act like they don't believe in the whole God concept in a very spiteful, confrontational, vindictive and embittered way. In my experience, these kids (largely, young adults and late-teenagers) believe in a set faith, they just want to pretend to be different and annoy people by being argumentative. They also have a proclivity for wearing Heavy Metal tour shirts.
However, if you ever like to amuse yourself like I do by every once and a while clicking on the Trinity Broadcast Network, you'll see these "Atheists" when they reach their mid-twenties sobbing, while claiming that "I have lived a wicked life, and turned it over to my Lord and Savior..." I think we all get the picture here. These are the kind of "Atheists" that people typically see the most, since they're desperate for attention and seek public approval.
I don't.
However, we real Atheists don't typically care if anyone knows about our beliefs (or lack thereof) since we don't think it's that big of a deal. We also know that faith in any form is meant to be a private thing, and should be kept to ourselves, since we're the ones people gang up on if we start flapping our gums.
I can understand that you probably got jumped on in a philosophy class over your beliefs... but if it's a philosophy class, why did anyone start an argument over religious beliefs? That seems a bit odd, not to mention unfair.
Also, if you think of it, as I desribe my views of religion and faith to you and anyone else that reads this, by the definition of "Impartial" that you provided, that's evactly what I am. I don't approach religions and/or faiths with any form of prejudice, since I think they all have something to offer that is, at times, both positive and negative.
You could argue that I'm biased by quoting my opinion on the "Hive Mind", but in most cases, that's just a personal view on religiously-induced voluntary ignorance, and that's not really an opinion or bias, it's a fact.
I never thought that anyone would write me any comments on this posting, let alone have a discussion based on what I wrote, but it's cool that you two did write comments. I like this kind of idea-exchange. I think that rational discourse as it relates to Faith is rare these days, with people often flying off the handle for no reason.
I knew that, deep down, my readers and friends had class.
Let me know if he needs any 'wacken :)
Todd... now that you came back... you need to post more... I keep coming back and looking at this...and it is still the same!!
I need my fix!Hahaha
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