"The Thanksgiving Day Roast"
Welcome to The Thanksgiving Day Roast, everybody!
Hey, thanks... no, really. Thank you, thank you, thank you... I got a lotta stuff to cover here folks, so please return to your seats so the real fun can begin.
Alright... we got the whole gang here, don't we? Well, let's see who to start with... ah!
How're you doin', Cran Log? You know what? You are the single most reliable staple of the Lower and Middle Classes in this country, next to the drunken beat-downs aired on Cops. You and good taste go together like Courtney Love and genital warts! But no, I love this guy... what's not to love? He weighs a pound, comes in a metal cylinder and is sliceable at the same time! Perfect for brawls and ribbed for your pleasure afterwards! Seriously, I love this guy... moving along...
What's crackin', Turkey? You are the single coolest main course ever... you know why? Because you and Heroin both achieve the same ends: Nodding off at a socially awkward time. And, you are the only meal that reminds me of that horrible porn that I saw at the age of 10... oh, wait... that was the video footage of my birth... never mind. You, Turkey, are the Dick Pig of the Meal Kingdom... your empty body cavity practically yells, "What are you, a Pussy?! Is that stuffing all you've got?! Keep shoving stuff into me until I'm full, dammit!!" But really, you're a great guy, and I look forward to ripping your limbs from their sockets with my bare hands and devouring your flesh like I was in the Donner Party... all right, who's next?
Ahhh... Yams!!! How you guys doin' over there? Can you see? Good. You, as a dish, must have been invented by a Blind Man, because you are the most disgusting looking abomination on the menu, did you know that? Well, maybe you should wipe those melted marshmallows of your faces and look in the mirror... ya freaks.
Hey, don't think that you're free from attack, miscellaneous-fruit-salad-made-by-a-distant-relative! You are the worst of the whole bunch, and do you know why? You are always prepared by the most inept cooks in the entire family, who apparently like to take revenge on their family while, getting rid of all their rotten fruit at the same time! Plus, you're never reliable! One year you're made of a festive blend of tropical fruit and whipped cream, the next year you're made out of 99 cent store pudding and moldering Walnuts! You're the drunken Uncle of desserts! Get on a 12-step program and get a job!
Yeah, laugh it up, biscuits! You're next.. you and your buddies ToFurkey and Gravy, over there! You guys are the weirdest combination ever seen on any Dinner table, you know that? You, ToFurkey, you're essentially a log of... Protein and Soy Extract, right?
ToFurkey: Yeah, I guess...
You mean to tell me that you're fake on purpose?! What are you, Madonna?! You are the single driest item that I've eaten since the day the big kids in Elementary School made me eat dirt in the parking lot! You should have a label on your chest that says: "You better have a lotta Water handy!" But without your buddies biscuits and gravy, you'd be no good... and those two are good guys. So, outta the kindness of my heart, I'll let you guys slide for now.
And finally... our special guest, Easter Ham! Ham over here has inspired more Gays to come out of the closet than The Bravo Network, Liza Minelli and the Catholic Church combined. I'm not sure why, but you, my friend have a special gift that makes any person feel comfortable around you... like a dose of Rufinol in a Jack and Coke. Maybe it's because of the pinapple slice with the cherry in it. I love this guy... he's the same year after year, and slowly kills you like no other entree out here tonight. Hey, if the only thing that the Jews and the Muslims can really agree on is not eating this guy... there must be something to it, right? You've been a great sport about this man... I'm glad you came down here today. But then again, did we really have a choice?
I'd just like to say to the Thanksgiving Day team, hey, your oddness is a delight for us all, and is never the same twice. You know, like a Herpes outbreak! You guys have a good time on us, and I'll talk to you later...
Hey, thanks... no, really. Thank you, thank you, thank you... I got a lotta stuff to cover here folks, so please return to your seats so the real fun can begin.
Alright... we got the whole gang here, don't we? Well, let's see who to start with... ah!
How're you doin', Cran Log? You know what? You are the single most reliable staple of the Lower and Middle Classes in this country, next to the drunken beat-downs aired on Cops. You and good taste go together like Courtney Love and genital warts! But no, I love this guy... what's not to love? He weighs a pound, comes in a metal cylinder and is sliceable at the same time! Perfect for brawls and ribbed for your pleasure afterwards! Seriously, I love this guy... moving along...
What's crackin', Turkey? You are the single coolest main course ever... you know why? Because you and Heroin both achieve the same ends: Nodding off at a socially awkward time. And, you are the only meal that reminds me of that horrible porn that I saw at the age of 10... oh, wait... that was the video footage of my birth... never mind. You, Turkey, are the Dick Pig of the Meal Kingdom... your empty body cavity practically yells, "What are you, a Pussy?! Is that stuffing all you've got?! Keep shoving stuff into me until I'm full, dammit!!" But really, you're a great guy, and I look forward to ripping your limbs from their sockets with my bare hands and devouring your flesh like I was in the Donner Party... all right, who's next?
Ahhh... Yams!!! How you guys doin' over there? Can you see? Good. You, as a dish, must have been invented by a Blind Man, because you are the most disgusting looking abomination on the menu, did you know that? Well, maybe you should wipe those melted marshmallows of your faces and look in the mirror... ya freaks.
Hey, don't think that you're free from attack, miscellaneous-fruit-salad-made-by-a-distant-relative! You are the worst of the whole bunch, and do you know why? You are always prepared by the most inept cooks in the entire family, who apparently like to take revenge on their family while, getting rid of all their rotten fruit at the same time! Plus, you're never reliable! One year you're made of a festive blend of tropical fruit and whipped cream, the next year you're made out of 99 cent store pudding and moldering Walnuts! You're the drunken Uncle of desserts! Get on a 12-step program and get a job!
Yeah, laugh it up, biscuits! You're next.. you and your buddies ToFurkey and Gravy, over there! You guys are the weirdest combination ever seen on any Dinner table, you know that? You, ToFurkey, you're essentially a log of... Protein and Soy Extract, right?
ToFurkey: Yeah, I guess...
You mean to tell me that you're fake on purpose?! What are you, Madonna?! You are the single driest item that I've eaten since the day the big kids in Elementary School made me eat dirt in the parking lot! You should have a label on your chest that says: "You better have a lotta Water handy!" But without your buddies biscuits and gravy, you'd be no good... and those two are good guys. So, outta the kindness of my heart, I'll let you guys slide for now.
And finally... our special guest, Easter Ham! Ham over here has inspired more Gays to come out of the closet than The Bravo Network, Liza Minelli and the Catholic Church combined. I'm not sure why, but you, my friend have a special gift that makes any person feel comfortable around you... like a dose of Rufinol in a Jack and Coke. Maybe it's because of the pinapple slice with the cherry in it. I love this guy... he's the same year after year, and slowly kills you like no other entree out here tonight. Hey, if the only thing that the Jews and the Muslims can really agree on is not eating this guy... there must be something to it, right? You've been a great sport about this man... I'm glad you came down here today. But then again, did we really have a choice?
I'd just like to say to the Thanksgiving Day team, hey, your oddness is a delight for us all, and is never the same twice. You know, like a Herpes outbreak! You guys have a good time on us, and I'll talk to you later...
posted by Todd Tobin at 12:35 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home