"Todd's 'Foods To Avoid!': The 2006 Edition!"
Okay, okay, I admit, I haven't done a 2005 Edition of "Foods To Avoid!", but just go with me on this one. I've ate a wide variety of foods that were not only tasty, but also apparently revolting to my Digestive System, and heeerrreeee weee gooooo!!!
1.) Buffalo Wings: Ah, Buffalo Wings: Sweet, Delectable, Tasty (and sometimes Tangy) little chicken legs dipped in a delicious sauce named from it's city of origin: Buffalo, New York. Now I'm not saying these things aren't delicious or a good snack every now and again, but they don't go well with Beer, and since they're served largely in Sports Bars with a side of Celery, it's a powder-keg of Flatulence served up by the Dozen. First off, the dipping sauces are mainly known to be Ranch or Blue Cheese Dressing, and we all know what those are, don't we? Dairy Products. Now, let's combine all four of these elements: Alcohol, Spice, Grease and Dairy.
I'm pretty sure that's what many would describe this as a "Molotov Cocktail" in your stomach; waiting until you're in your fourth hour of REM sleep until it erupts with a quality of diarrhea that can only be aquired from the water in third-world countries such as India and Mexico. The first warning sign is, of course, "The Gurgles". Now you face the dilemma of getting from your bed to the toilet without letting a couple pints of fluid stain your carpet, don't you? Well, if this ever happens to you, as you're sitting on the toilet losing seven pounds of fluid through (hopefully) only one orifice of your body, you'll probably be thinking, "Aw crap, Todd wasn't kidding!"
How do you resolve this genocidal conflict in your bowels without employing tactical nuclear warheads and sanctions from the UN? Don't eat the celery, since it's mostly water and stringy; eat carrots or apples and drink lots of water before you go to bed. Why? Because the carrots or apples will absorb most kinds of acid, and the water will, well, water-down the grease, spice and alcohol to normal levels and allow you to sleep in comfort. Trust me on this, people...
2.) Jalepeno Poppers: Here's another example of violent internal combustion waiting to happen. You're sitting in the Bar and looking at the dirty, spittle-covered menu of "Appetizers", thinking, "Hey, I've never had Jalepeno Poppers before, maybe I should try something new!" Oh, you sad, lonely soul... you have no appreciation for the Mouth of Hell that you're opening, do you? Well, trust me, buddy, you will... oh sweet Jesus on a cracker... you will!
As with the previous item of "Food" that I mentioned, lets talk about what these things are made out of: A hollowed-out Jalepeno Pepper stuffed with Cream Cheese that is then Deep-Fried. Here's where it gets sticky, people. You're eating one of the hottest peppers that you can find that is then pumped full of Gooey Dairy product and then, to put the icing on the cake... DEEP FRIED! This isn't a molotov cocktail we're talking about, folks, it's a damn Dirty Bomb! A road-side Improvised Explosive Device; a religious Jihad being waged, with your Descending Colon being the stupid American reporter that thought it was a good idea to ask the, "Nice guy over there under the 'Hamas' banner about his love for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
How do you save yourself from the self-imposed isolation to the crapper that awaits you in mere hours? I don't know, really... I've tried, but I don't know how to stop the Paxil-level of negative side-effects that accompanies these things. Sure, they're delicious, but remember: Moderation is the key here. If you eat too many, you'll suffer for it... but, if you eat just a few you should be cool. This is the "Tequila Shot" of snack foods, ladies and gentlemen... a few won't really hurt you, but if you don't watch it and you consume more than you should you'll regret it.
3.) Anchovies and Garlic Pizza: This is really too easy of a food item to warn you guys about, since I'm sure we all know that Garlic and Anchovies-laden Pizzas lead to the kind of bad breath that's typically associated with Cannibal's Anonymous meetings and talking to someone who participates in Coprophagia on a daily basis. I will say this though: If you don't want to meet anyone new, this is the kind of food you'd like.
4.) Chicken-Fried Steak: Ah, the Chicken-Fried Steak... wonderful to eat if all you had planned for the day was slipping into a coma-like "Nap" for the rest of the day. This is a landmark meal of the "Greasy Spoon Diner". If you don't believe me, then go to the local diner in your town and ask if they have "Chicken-Fried Steak" available. If they say "No..." than get the fuck out of there, it's an FBI-sanctioned sting operation!
On the other hand, I like this meal, but the problem that I have with it is that I can't eat it without unbuckling my belt... and that seems to me like a good sign to step away from the plate. After all, who needs to go through the hassle of having to worry about their Arteries hardening on the drive home? I swear, each time I partake of a "CFS" I can feel myself getting fatter; I can pratically hear stretch-marks forming on my sides just thinking about eating one, for cryin' out loud!
As for something to make it easier to digest? I can't help you there... I guess that you should just resign yourself to taking a nap...
And that's it, folks, another installment of the "(Fill in the Blank) To Avoid!" series. This should be a fun on-going list of things. If you have anything that you think that I should write about, feel free to shoot me an e-mail @ todd.tobin.ctr@edwards.af.mil Have a great weekend, everyone!
1.) Buffalo Wings: Ah, Buffalo Wings: Sweet, Delectable, Tasty (and sometimes Tangy) little chicken legs dipped in a delicious sauce named from it's city of origin: Buffalo, New York. Now I'm not saying these things aren't delicious or a good snack every now and again, but they don't go well with Beer, and since they're served largely in Sports Bars with a side of Celery, it's a powder-keg of Flatulence served up by the Dozen. First off, the dipping sauces are mainly known to be Ranch or Blue Cheese Dressing, and we all know what those are, don't we? Dairy Products. Now, let's combine all four of these elements: Alcohol, Spice, Grease and Dairy.
I'm pretty sure that's what many would describe this as a "Molotov Cocktail" in your stomach; waiting until you're in your fourth hour of REM sleep until it erupts with a quality of diarrhea that can only be aquired from the water in third-world countries such as India and Mexico. The first warning sign is, of course, "The Gurgles". Now you face the dilemma of getting from your bed to the toilet without letting a couple pints of fluid stain your carpet, don't you? Well, if this ever happens to you, as you're sitting on the toilet losing seven pounds of fluid through (hopefully) only one orifice of your body, you'll probably be thinking, "Aw crap, Todd wasn't kidding!"
How do you resolve this genocidal conflict in your bowels without employing tactical nuclear warheads and sanctions from the UN? Don't eat the celery, since it's mostly water and stringy; eat carrots or apples and drink lots of water before you go to bed. Why? Because the carrots or apples will absorb most kinds of acid, and the water will, well, water-down the grease, spice and alcohol to normal levels and allow you to sleep in comfort. Trust me on this, people...
2.) Jalepeno Poppers: Here's another example of violent internal combustion waiting to happen. You're sitting in the Bar and looking at the dirty, spittle-covered menu of "Appetizers", thinking, "Hey, I've never had Jalepeno Poppers before, maybe I should try something new!" Oh, you sad, lonely soul... you have no appreciation for the Mouth of Hell that you're opening, do you? Well, trust me, buddy, you will... oh sweet Jesus on a cracker... you will!
As with the previous item of "Food" that I mentioned, lets talk about what these things are made out of: A hollowed-out Jalepeno Pepper stuffed with Cream Cheese that is then Deep-Fried. Here's where it gets sticky, people. You're eating one of the hottest peppers that you can find that is then pumped full of Gooey Dairy product and then, to put the icing on the cake... DEEP FRIED! This isn't a molotov cocktail we're talking about, folks, it's a damn Dirty Bomb! A road-side Improvised Explosive Device; a religious Jihad being waged, with your Descending Colon being the stupid American reporter that thought it was a good idea to ask the, "Nice guy over there under the 'Hamas' banner about his love for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
How do you save yourself from the self-imposed isolation to the crapper that awaits you in mere hours? I don't know, really... I've tried, but I don't know how to stop the Paxil-level of negative side-effects that accompanies these things. Sure, they're delicious, but remember: Moderation is the key here. If you eat too many, you'll suffer for it... but, if you eat just a few you should be cool. This is the "Tequila Shot" of snack foods, ladies and gentlemen... a few won't really hurt you, but if you don't watch it and you consume more than you should you'll regret it.
3.) Anchovies and Garlic Pizza: This is really too easy of a food item to warn you guys about, since I'm sure we all know that Garlic and Anchovies-laden Pizzas lead to the kind of bad breath that's typically associated with Cannibal's Anonymous meetings and talking to someone who participates in Coprophagia on a daily basis. I will say this though: If you don't want to meet anyone new, this is the kind of food you'd like.
4.) Chicken-Fried Steak: Ah, the Chicken-Fried Steak... wonderful to eat if all you had planned for the day was slipping into a coma-like "Nap" for the rest of the day. This is a landmark meal of the "Greasy Spoon Diner". If you don't believe me, then go to the local diner in your town and ask if they have "Chicken-Fried Steak" available. If they say "No..." than get the fuck out of there, it's an FBI-sanctioned sting operation!
On the other hand, I like this meal, but the problem that I have with it is that I can't eat it without unbuckling my belt... and that seems to me like a good sign to step away from the plate. After all, who needs to go through the hassle of having to worry about their Arteries hardening on the drive home? I swear, each time I partake of a "CFS" I can feel myself getting fatter; I can pratically hear stretch-marks forming on my sides just thinking about eating one, for cryin' out loud!
As for something to make it easier to digest? I can't help you there... I guess that you should just resign yourself to taking a nap...
And that's it, folks, another installment of the "(Fill in the Blank) To Avoid!" series. This should be a fun on-going list of things. If you have anything that you think that I should write about, feel free to shoot me an e-mail @ todd.tobin.ctr@edwards.af.mil Have a great weekend, everyone!
posted by Todd Tobin at 9:11 AM
4 Comments:
Hey, I'm still waiting for "Todd's 'Get Rich Quick Schemes to Avoid!': The 2006 Edition." Last year's really saved me some embarrasment. Oh, and where's "Todd's 'Racist Jokes to Avoid!': The 2006 Edition?" I've been in the hospital a few time after making some jokes this year, and I think there may be a few you missed last year. Damn white-trash honkeys!
Oh, and corprophagia? CLASSIC.
I have only had CFS once in my life and it was at a friends house in Missouri, I actually forgot about it...
Last night after reading your blog I asked Brian what CFS was and he replied it is what we had at Deb's House...
Then he spent a couple of hours searching for recipe's.... When I read the description I was horrified.... Batter this steak and deep fry it!! OMFG and if that is not bad enough for you... you top it off with Milk Gravy... And a side of mashed potatoes!! He has 3 recipes bookmarked now...hahaha.
Funny I would of made it for him last year but since I have changed my diet I will stay clear of it... And tell him to make it on a day that I am at work...
There is no CFS here in Canada where I live... It is on no ones menu, nor do we have biscuits and gravy at our restaurants... I have made those a few times for him... But wow talk about heart attack food... Sighs... I bet he wishes I was my fat chick old self and would whip him up anything he asked for....
What did you get me into Todd... hahaha....
Take Care.
My stomach is made of iron, I guess from all the club drugs and scotch.. still that chicken-fried streak wouldn't be so bad, if you knew it was really steak under the crust when it is far more likely to be road-kill.
How 'bout "right-wing catch-phrases to avoid". I'm sure you can have some fun with that.
Godwhacker
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