"Todd turns... 28?!"
Well, I'm sure that's a sentence that many didn't expect to read!
There was a time in my life when I never expected to have lived this long... but here I am anyway. Life has had a great many curveballs that it's lobbed at me like the fat kid during a Dodgeball game, but I've amazingly evaded most of the balls. There have been some that I haven't dodged, however... such as a struggle I used to have with Passive Aggressive actions against my Step-Dad, Bob as a teenager. I pretty much got over that when I joined the Navy in the mid-90's, and me and Bob have got along pretty well ever since. I also had a rather lengthy arm-wrestling match (about 4 years long) with excessive drinking, which I've since learned to curb. Many people that know me may say otherwise in regards to my drinking habits, so I have a question for them: When's the last time you saw me drink until I puked?! Hmmmm?! I thought so... moving along...
When I was a kid, I had a lot of problems with authority and responsibility, and I think that as time passed, I learned to overcome these things. Sure, I'm not perfect, I have my failings. For instance, I like to laugh inappropriately at the most gruesome scenes in horror films. Don't ask me why... I just do. My Mom says that I'm sick, but I like to look at it this way: She put in half on how sick I am... so the blame is half hers, one sixth my Dad's, one sixth my first Step-Dad Gary's and one sixth my present Step-Dad Bob's. Although, being that I spent the vast majority of my formative years with Bob, and the added fact that he's a psychologist... the blame could just as easily be on him more so than the others. And yes, I hate fractions as much as everyone else.
To wrap up this particular segment, I would like to list the things that I've learned in the last 28 years, and what I want to accomplish by my 29th Birthday. First, what I've learned:
1.) That 50 Cent is the new MC Hammer, but without the talent... personality... or looks.
2.) People with big guts wearing tight clothes (yes ladies, you too) need to be put in front of a mirror and shamed into getting clothes that fit... I don't need to retch while shopping.
3.) Bill O'Reilly needs to be beaten about the head and neck with a Christmas Stocking full of Silver Dollars on The O'Reilly Factor by "The Liberal Press" live on camera; which would end up just being Al Franken, Marc Maron and Stephanie Miller.
4.) Stretchmarks on men are just as attractive as they are on women... meaning of course that they never are.
5.) A 6 Foot 4, 250 pound man who's a Firefighter isn't guaranteed to have a big schlong, ladies... he's more likely to have a dick so small that he pees on his own balls everyday at the urinal.
6.) Electing an Alcoholic Cokehead into Presidential office is never a good idea... maybe one or the other is okay (that's you, Marion Barry), but not both... that's just too much.
7.) We're all going to die someday, but if you have to go... try to make it as funny as you can.
8.) It never hurts to cuddle, guys... it may stop your girl from cheating on you with a roadie for Usher in the future.
9.) Men don't obey the laws of this country because it's wrong... they obey them because they don't want their asses raped.
10.) My room-mate Joe really, really likes free online Poker... seriously.
Now onto my goals!
1.) Get another gym subscription, and get my fat ass back in shape... I'm in shape now, but "Pear" isn't an especially attractive shape.
2.) If I can't stop smoking again, at least get addicted to something more fun... like heroin.
3.) Give to another charity, not just "The National Endowment For The Drug Habits Of Hookers, International".
4.) Get onstage at a Comedy Club in L.A. and not bomb...
5.) Beat Doom 3 on my Xbox... while sober.
6.) Move in with my girlfriend, Kristi.
7.) Get back on a diet that isn't solely comprised of the combined menu's of Taco Bell, the 1 Dollar menu of McDonald's, Doubles and Jack in the Box.
8.) Get all the equiment necessary for a real DJ set-up... I like scratchin' and cuttin' like DJ Babu...
9.) I got nothin'...
And that's pretty much it, folks... have a great weekend!
There was a time in my life when I never expected to have lived this long... but here I am anyway. Life has had a great many curveballs that it's lobbed at me like the fat kid during a Dodgeball game, but I've amazingly evaded most of the balls. There have been some that I haven't dodged, however... such as a struggle I used to have with Passive Aggressive actions against my Step-Dad, Bob as a teenager. I pretty much got over that when I joined the Navy in the mid-90's, and me and Bob have got along pretty well ever since. I also had a rather lengthy arm-wrestling match (about 4 years long) with excessive drinking, which I've since learned to curb. Many people that know me may say otherwise in regards to my drinking habits, so I have a question for them: When's the last time you saw me drink until I puked?! Hmmmm?! I thought so... moving along...
When I was a kid, I had a lot of problems with authority and responsibility, and I think that as time passed, I learned to overcome these things. Sure, I'm not perfect, I have my failings. For instance, I like to laugh inappropriately at the most gruesome scenes in horror films. Don't ask me why... I just do. My Mom says that I'm sick, but I like to look at it this way: She put in half on how sick I am... so the blame is half hers, one sixth my Dad's, one sixth my first Step-Dad Gary's and one sixth my present Step-Dad Bob's. Although, being that I spent the vast majority of my formative years with Bob, and the added fact that he's a psychologist... the blame could just as easily be on him more so than the others. And yes, I hate fractions as much as everyone else.
To wrap up this particular segment, I would like to list the things that I've learned in the last 28 years, and what I want to accomplish by my 29th Birthday. First, what I've learned:
1.) That 50 Cent is the new MC Hammer, but without the talent... personality... or looks.
2.) People with big guts wearing tight clothes (yes ladies, you too) need to be put in front of a mirror and shamed into getting clothes that fit... I don't need to retch while shopping.
3.) Bill O'Reilly needs to be beaten about the head and neck with a Christmas Stocking full of Silver Dollars on The O'Reilly Factor by "The Liberal Press" live on camera; which would end up just being Al Franken, Marc Maron and Stephanie Miller.
4.) Stretchmarks on men are just as attractive as they are on women... meaning of course that they never are.
5.) A 6 Foot 4, 250 pound man who's a Firefighter isn't guaranteed to have a big schlong, ladies... he's more likely to have a dick so small that he pees on his own balls everyday at the urinal.
6.) Electing an Alcoholic Cokehead into Presidential office is never a good idea... maybe one or the other is okay (that's you, Marion Barry), but not both... that's just too much.
7.) We're all going to die someday, but if you have to go... try to make it as funny as you can.
8.) It never hurts to cuddle, guys... it may stop your girl from cheating on you with a roadie for Usher in the future.
9.) Men don't obey the laws of this country because it's wrong... they obey them because they don't want their asses raped.
10.) My room-mate Joe really, really likes free online Poker... seriously.
Now onto my goals!
1.) Get another gym subscription, and get my fat ass back in shape... I'm in shape now, but "Pear" isn't an especially attractive shape.
2.) If I can't stop smoking again, at least get addicted to something more fun... like heroin.
3.) Give to another charity, not just "The National Endowment For The Drug Habits Of Hookers, International".
4.) Get onstage at a Comedy Club in L.A. and not bomb...
5.) Beat Doom 3 on my Xbox... while sober.
6.) Move in with my girlfriend, Kristi.
7.) Get back on a diet that isn't solely comprised of the combined menu's of Taco Bell, the 1 Dollar menu of McDonald's, Doubles and Jack in the Box.
8.) Get all the equiment necessary for a real DJ set-up... I like scratchin' and cuttin' like DJ Babu...
9.) I got nothin'...
And that's pretty much it, folks... have a great weekend!
posted by Todd Tobin at 8:00 AM
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