"Have You Ever Wondered?"

Have you ever wondered where in the hell these "Naturally Happy People" come from? I do, on an oft-times daily basis, and it has caused me to wonder about all types of people that we run into on a semi-regular basis.

1.) The guy that groans as he's taking a piss in a bar restroom. What the hell is he doing that is causing him to moan like a two-dollar whore expecting a big tip?! I have had many times when urinating felt really good (almost to the point of feeling too good), but it rarely happens while I'm at a bar. It typically happens after an obscene amount of traffic stops me from getting to a gas station, and then having to wait outside that filthy door for the guy attempting to pass a kidney stone the size of the Stanley Cup to get done. I would talk about the ridiculous spinning 24 inch rim key ring that weights more than a backpack full of Peyote buttons, but maybe I'll talk about that some other time. Often these guys will be leaning on the wall as if gravity itself has shifted in the bathroom, and all you can hope is that this guy doesn't squirt you with urine, so you often find yourself shifting your position so that your back is more towards him than anything else. After all, if you're going to take a hit of another man’s piss, you might as well take it in a way that allows you to not see it coming...

2.) The person in the stall next to you who feels its okay to - out loud - grunt and strain like he's trying to crap out an entire Ikea Dining Room set. I know that taking a dump can be uncomfortable, but do you need to make everyone else in the restroom neurotic about it as well? Quite down in there, Pacino... you're not in "A Scent of a Woman", alright?! Try eating something other than a diet of Beef Jerky, Taco Bell and Mad-Dog 20/20... it'll help, I promise. So, you see, there's really no reason for you to over-act... calm down and do some breathing exercises. Leave all that over-the-top squealing to Jenna Jameson and Porky Pig during a late-night visit by his overly-aggressive Proctologist.

3.) The creepy guy behind the cash register at a gas station that looks at you like you're the weird one. Here's this guy with a cleft-pallet, lazy eye, more piercings than a frickin' porn star, a cranium with dimensions that would only be acceptable for a Bobble-Head Doll and the "Hell's Angels" set of beard and tattoos looking at you like you're going to stick up the place with your Butterfinger and 44 oz. soda. Look, I used to work at a 7-11 on the night shift, and I never looked at customers like that unless they looked like that guy. What's his excuse? Did he get sodomized by his quite, unassuming cell-mate with incredibly disproportionate strength, or what?! Chill out there, "Deaths-Head"... I just want $25 on Pump 2, not your soul.

4.) The ladies that drive SUV's with six kids in the back, jabbering away on their cell phones like Anna-Nichole Smith on methamphetamines. Often you'll see the idiotic little Jesus fish placard on the bumper. Lady, I hope Jesus has your back as much as you advertise, otherwise you'll be the death of not only yourself and your rug-rats, but anyone else that has the misfortune of being anywhere near you on the road. You'll find these intellectual equivalents of a Lemming racing down the road at speeds that would make even a toothless NASCAR fan say, "Dang, that chick drives like a ‘tard!" And these are the guys that watch other people drive dangerously for fun! If you have a kid in the car with you, pay attention to the road, or you may find yourself scratching one of those cute little decals of your stick figure family off of the rear windshield of your over-sized gas guzzler.

I have many more things that I could complain about, but I think that I'll leave that for another installment of: "Have You Ever Wondered?"!