"A Whole Life On Two Pages"

Okay, I'd like to say sorry to my regulars that have been checking in to this Blog just to see that I haven't posted anything in about a month. It's been really busy for me at work and in my personal life lately, and I haven't had the time to post any new segments. However, I felt that I could knock out a couple of things here and now in order to avoid Shmamber sending the RCMP to my apartment. After all, do you know how hard it is to get Horse Dung out of shag carpeting?

First, my cousin Matt is getting married this Friday, and I am the official-unofficial-psuedo-"Best Man"-type. I was given the opportunity to do the speech at the reception, which of course makes me over-joyed. "Why?" you ask?

Because I'm going to roast my cousin at his own wedding.

In front of everyone.

I hope someone brings a camera for this.

I told Matt and his fiance' this, though. The reason that I'm going to be roasting him is because I don't know his fiance' that well, and I can't really speak to their relationship, so... time to bring the funny!

I find that people that do their little speeches at weddings irritate me. All they do is go up there and start sobbing about how "happy" they are. The guilty parties here are typically the parents of the two people tieing the knot, and it's not pretty.

Weddings are supposed to be an expression of joy over the joining of two people, right? So what the fuck is everyone crying for?! It's not like you didn't know that your daughter or son wasn't gonna get married to the person they've been banging of the last five years, right?! Where's the mystery here?!

So, what the Hell, here's my latest draft of my speech that I'll be doing at the wedding (enjoy!):

Most of the people that are going to come up and speak tonight are going to speak in regards to Matt and Karla's relationship, their children, etc.

I’m not going to do that, though… I’d rather talk tonight about just one of these two people, about the Matt that I know, the Matt that I grew up with: “Matt-the-pain-in-my-ass”.

You see, for any of you to truly understand who Matt is today, you must first know the Matt that came before him. The Matt that was – as both a young man and child – so adept at getting not only himself, but all of his friends and cousins in trouble at the same time, that it borders on what can only be described as a “Superpower” all it’s own.

Think of Matt at that age as an interesting dichotomy of warring personalities; one, being the funny, gregarious and good-natured prankster, with the other being the face of the Devil himself. More often than not, Matt would display his prowess at getting us all in trouble with the deftness and surety of an Olympic-level athlete; bounding from one broken household lamp to another while at the same time leaving no evidence of his actual presence… in his prime, he was truly awe-inspiring.

And if Matt was the Jesse Owens of mischief, his Dad Bill was Gil Grissom from CSI; picking through the scene with a methodical precision, all the while knowing who really did it. But like most great Detectives, Bill didn’t want to just know the truth no, no, no… he wanted the confession.

And so he’d line us all up, Me, Matt, Matt’s sister Sarah and my sister Jennifer, in front of a piano that no one ever played. Ever… I think it was only there for one reason, you know, like the wall behind the target of the Firing Squad. And he’d take his time, playing both the good cop and the bad cop simultaneously, while slowly wringing the three-inch-thick Leather belt that he used exclusively for whoopings, but I had the feeling was previously used as a saddle strap. He’d lean in close and try to get you to snitch first, saying, “Y’know, Toddy, I know that Matt did it… just tell me it was him and it’ll all be over.” Invariably, I’d say I didn’t know who it was, since I didn’t, and Bill would become the Executioner, spinning you around while whipping you just once on the butt so hard that you’d think that all that’s left back there was bare bone.

This is the Matt that I grew up with, this is the Matt that I love like a Brother… a person who it seemed as a kid was so busy getting me in trouble that I often wondered what I did to deserve all this hassle just for sharing one-half of my Genetic make-up with him.

You could say that knowing Matt was a religious experience for me… it was the first time that I thought that maybe I was some deranged serial killer in a past life, and knowing Matt was my penance for the privilege of being reincarnated.

But knowing Matt hasn’t been all bad. I remember when we used to spend three hours doing yard work for his Dad during the summer weekends so he could watch his soaps for Five bucks, just so we could walk half a mile in the boiling heat for Slurpees at the 7-11, which typically melted once we walked outside. Or the times that we would stay up late at night playing board games, or tell jokes to one another in front of the fireplace that had become a blast furnace because Matt just had to throw one more Dura-Flame log in an already roaring fire. I swear, you could’ve made blown-glass sculptures in that Living Room.

This is my experience of the Matt that I know, but Matt can just as easily be described by telling you about a single picture.

In his parent’s hallway, there was an 8 ½ X 11 inch framed photo of Matt taken when he was 2 or 3 years old. In the picture, you could see Matt with an afro and a big, goofy grin spread across his face; looking up towards the camera with Matt half falling into the toilet while clinging to the outer rim of the toilet seat by his chubby little hands. Most parents would likely think that, “Hey, maybe I should help him out of the toilet…” But not Matt’s parent’s, they were probably thinking what Matt was thinking, “Damn, this is pretty funny.” And that’s the Matt that I know, half in trouble, half out, and enjoying it.

Matt’s Father, although he’s gone, is in many ways the primary reason that Matt and I still remain so close to this very day, and I know he’d be just as proud of you as I am Matt, and I wish you and Karla the happiest marriage that one couple can possibly have.

Cheers.

I hope you guys liked it, maybe it'll give you something to read for a couple of days, huh?

I'll have more stuff up soon, I promise...