"Todd's Corner of Spite"

I’ve wanted to write a segment on the subject of “Eating Disorders” for a long time, being it has been incorrectly labeled since I first heard of them in the late 80’s. It isn’t an “Eating” disorder by definition of the actual phrase; it’s a thinking disorder. An eating disorder would imply that don’t have a lower jaw to assist in you chewing your own food. These people (about 90% women and 10% men) that have this “Disorder” have no problem eating, they just feel that they need to puke up their food and/or over-do it on exercise in order to be thin, which is the biggest bullshit excuse I’ve ever heard of. Look, you created this problem all by yourself, and somebody has to take these excuses away from you, you know the ones that go like this, “Society encourages women to feel bad about their bodies”, or “I feel pressure to maintain a certain weight in order to keep my job”.

And this goes out to all the celebrities out there that find out that a fellow actor or actress has one or more of these disorders: These idiots aren’t “Brave”, or “Incredible” for admitting that they have these self-inflicted “Disorders”, they’re cowards who are afraid of looking like a normal human being. Do you heap praises on that guy sleeping on the corner in a pool of his own piss for drinking until he passes out every day? I didn’t think so. Now, I know there a lot of people out there that may be getting pissed off at me for writing that, but it’s true, every word of it. How is it brave to eat something and then puke it up on purpose? Anybody can do that (in fact, when I first started drinking, I did it quite often. And I never got a medal for it) it doesn’t make you unique in any way other than to display how fucking neurotic you are.

In the spirit of fairness I will admit that society does place a lot of undue pressure on people to do certain things, like working at a minimum wage job at a fast food joint because you live in the projects and the only other businesses in the area are liquor or gun stores, and you’re not old enough to sell either. Or shelling out a ridiculous amount of money to fill your tank so that you can continue to work at a job you hate just to make your rent from month to month. Life is pressure, but most people suck it up and deal with it… so why can’t these narcissistic jackasses?!

Well, in the case of celebrities, the answer is obvious: They don’t live in reality. We see that fact on a day-to-day basis, what with the Michael Jackson molestation trial(s), The OJ Simpson murder trial, and the trial with that guy from Beretta, what’s his name… Robert Blake! Man I feel smart, remembering an actor’s name from an obscure 70’s cop show! Anyway, with all of these guys’ trials, we saw that there was more than enough evidence to convict your average joe-schmoe, but they got to walk based on their status in society as entertainers and athletes versus what they have done in the reality that we all inhabit. Now, I can hear the groans coming from the audience, and some people blurting out, “Hey, they were proved not guilty in a Court of Law!” True, they won their court cases, but a “Not Guilty” verdict isn’t indicative of actual innocence, just that your law team has the necessary amount of legal savvy to get you off the hook.

The same goes for celebrities that go to awards shows; do you think for one instant that these mooks actually pay for any of the $10,000 dresses or $500,000 worth of jewelry that they wear? Think again, my noble compatriots. Same thing goes for all the seemingly “Altruistic” donations that they make to charities such and PETA and Habitat for Humanity. I’m sure that most people know that charitable donations are tax deductible, but in case you didn’t, think of it this way: The more you give, the less you have to pay in tax to the Federal Government. So, to the average person, it looks like this person is being generous, but the rich person doing it thinks of it as great P.R. and fiscally wise.

Give the poor pennies and they ignore the other self-serving bullshit that you do on a regular basis; like buying fifteen cars that you’ll never drive (since you ride in a cab or Limo most days) and living in a mansion with more rooms than you could ever possibly sleep in during your lifetime. How about the gold-plated toilets or pure crystal chandeliers? Sure, I like shitting and pissing on precious metals and endangering my life with pointed, razor-sharp glass suspended ten feet above my head by a thin series of wires in an area prone to massive earthquakes, but then again, who doesn’t?!

We as people feed their greed and ostentatious behavior by merely watching TV, which is largely turning into a one-way interrogation room mirror that shows us how rich they are, and hinting that we may at one point or another be like them, when chances are that we won’t… ever. But cheer up, my good friends, because these people have a career shelf-life, and that in the end is the funniest part about all of this. A king for four years, and then you become a bum for the rest of your life… you know, just like being a President! Stay strong, and I can guarantee you that within the next five years that you’ll have trouble hearing anything about that Ptosis-havin’ little ho Paris Hilton to the point that she’ll be struggling to get air time, so she’ll start doing all the funny things that we all want her to do, like going on the new version of “Circus of the Stars”, falling from the tightrope, and being impaled on Sarah Jessica Parker’s nose.