"Have You Ever Wondered 3: Return of the Jedi"
Afternoon, everyone... I'll be your Tour Guide today. My name is Todd, I'm a Scorpio, and I like Scrap-booking articles on the incompetence of our President... so far I'm on my fifth one-hundred page volume. I didn't realize that it was going to be so expensive of a hobby, but it's healthier than heroin. Now on to the regular list of stuff...
1.) Lindsay Lohan - Despite the fact that her parents apparently don't know how to spell her first name, I don't see the big deal with this chick. Her Father drinks more than the combined cast and crew of "Cheers" in 1989, and she gets all the attention foisted upon her "suffering" through her Dad's Alcoholism. Look, I'm not as jaded as people may think... okay I am, but that doesn't change the fact that without her lush of a Father, Lindsay wouldn't get half the coverage that she gets. We've all heard the phrase "There's no such thing as bad publicity", and in this instance it's true. The other day she was in an accident in her car in L.A., which is the second one she's had in the span of five months! She's been blaming the Paparazzi for the accident, but I think the real cause for the accidents is the fact that this bitch doesn't know how to drive. I don't feel bad for anyone that drives a brand new convertible BMW at the age of 19, and the fact that she's crashed not one but two of them is a sign that she should ride the fuckin' bus for at least a year to appreciate what normal people have to put up with. I'm not a big fan of these stupid "Teen-Queens" anyway, so maybe I have an issue with them that I'm unaware of... my Step-Dad's a Psychologist, maybe I should book a couch session with him for tomorrow...
2.) Tattoos - I want to start off this complaint by stating that I have a tattoo; I got it in Cannes, France while I was in the Navy on shore leave (and no, I wasn't drunk at the time). I don't regret getting it, and I still think that it looks cool after nearly 10 years, but I have it on my left shoulder, where it can be hidden if need be. That is part of my problem with some people that get inked: They get them done on parts of their bodies that can't be covered up. I go to the corner liquor store every day, and I'm astounded by the parade of sheer freakishness of the tattoo's that adorn some of the customers flesh. I know that many people don't consider whether or not they'll be able to get a job after they get the tats done... but maybe they should. After all, no one wants to go to the DMV and see a guy covered Head to Toe in Prison Tats, asking you if your car has been smogged in the last six months, when he likely participated in more than his fair share of forced sodomy during his time in the custody of the state. In other words, if you look like a side-show oddity, so covered with tattoos that you look like a living 1970's van mural... don't whine when the only place that you can find a job is on the Night Shift at AM/PM, alright? You wanted to be an outsider? Well, now you are, congratulations...
3.) Drunk People - I was in Coaches in Lancaster, CA last night relaxing in the Smoking Area, when I heard this drunk chick bragging about her boyfriends sexual prowess to her friend on her cell phone. Now, I have no qualms with people discussing sexuality-related topics in public, but these were her exact words, "He's the only guy I know that can do it four times in a half-hour and still stay hard." Did you notice anything wrong with what she said? That means that he has a rough average of 7 1/2 minutes before he busts a nut! Actually, if you take into account a minute of recovery between sessions, it'd be about 6 minutes a piece... and that's pretty fucking pathetic; hence, nothing to brag about! I've got a bunch of stories of stupid and annoying behavior by drunk people, but I think I'll save some of that for another time... being that I have to go home soon.
Have a great weekend and remember... if you're so fat that you have to ride a scooter around town, the last thing you need is something to do the walking for you! Try walking, and you won't be so damn fat anymore!
1.) Lindsay Lohan - Despite the fact that her parents apparently don't know how to spell her first name, I don't see the big deal with this chick. Her Father drinks more than the combined cast and crew of "Cheers" in 1989, and she gets all the attention foisted upon her "suffering" through her Dad's Alcoholism. Look, I'm not as jaded as people may think... okay I am, but that doesn't change the fact that without her lush of a Father, Lindsay wouldn't get half the coverage that she gets. We've all heard the phrase "There's no such thing as bad publicity", and in this instance it's true. The other day she was in an accident in her car in L.A., which is the second one she's had in the span of five months! She's been blaming the Paparazzi for the accident, but I think the real cause for the accidents is the fact that this bitch doesn't know how to drive. I don't feel bad for anyone that drives a brand new convertible BMW at the age of 19, and the fact that she's crashed not one but two of them is a sign that she should ride the fuckin' bus for at least a year to appreciate what normal people have to put up with. I'm not a big fan of these stupid "Teen-Queens" anyway, so maybe I have an issue with them that I'm unaware of... my Step-Dad's a Psychologist, maybe I should book a couch session with him for tomorrow...
2.) Tattoos - I want to start off this complaint by stating that I have a tattoo; I got it in Cannes, France while I was in the Navy on shore leave (and no, I wasn't drunk at the time). I don't regret getting it, and I still think that it looks cool after nearly 10 years, but I have it on my left shoulder, where it can be hidden if need be. That is part of my problem with some people that get inked: They get them done on parts of their bodies that can't be covered up. I go to the corner liquor store every day, and I'm astounded by the parade of sheer freakishness of the tattoo's that adorn some of the customers flesh. I know that many people don't consider whether or not they'll be able to get a job after they get the tats done... but maybe they should. After all, no one wants to go to the DMV and see a guy covered Head to Toe in Prison Tats, asking you if your car has been smogged in the last six months, when he likely participated in more than his fair share of forced sodomy during his time in the custody of the state. In other words, if you look like a side-show oddity, so covered with tattoos that you look like a living 1970's van mural... don't whine when the only place that you can find a job is on the Night Shift at AM/PM, alright? You wanted to be an outsider? Well, now you are, congratulations...
3.) Drunk People - I was in Coaches in Lancaster, CA last night relaxing in the Smoking Area, when I heard this drunk chick bragging about her boyfriends sexual prowess to her friend on her cell phone. Now, I have no qualms with people discussing sexuality-related topics in public, but these were her exact words, "He's the only guy I know that can do it four times in a half-hour and still stay hard." Did you notice anything wrong with what she said? That means that he has a rough average of 7 1/2 minutes before he busts a nut! Actually, if you take into account a minute of recovery between sessions, it'd be about 6 minutes a piece... and that's pretty fucking pathetic; hence, nothing to brag about! I've got a bunch of stories of stupid and annoying behavior by drunk people, but I think I'll save some of that for another time... being that I have to go home soon.
Have a great weekend and remember... if you're so fat that you have to ride a scooter around town, the last thing you need is something to do the walking for you! Try walking, and you won't be so damn fat anymore!
posted by Todd Tobin at 9:02 AM
4 Comments:
Star wars reference but no follow up? ^ minutes is an eternity with a drunken ho. It was probable more like two minutes, and then she passed out. One question, was she hot?
Chappy
You can't have everything, Chappy... I just wanted to establish a theme to the titles. You know, for how all my titles have a stupid name to introduce you to my stupid world.
Was she hot? Yeah, if you dig Tantans... how's that for a Star Wars reference?
Holla at ya Boy!
Todd
Hello sir i would like to comment on your blog article about star wars, i was very very disappointed that the body of the article did not discuss star wars or mention star wars in any way.
B. Webb
Hey Brian!
No, I don't really mention Star Wars in any of my Blog segments, but I probably will in the future... it depends on whether or not I want you, Corey, your brother and Mark descending upon me like a plague of locusts... picking me apart with the minutia about all six episodes that dwells in your minds like a vengeful Gollum.
I believe that if you read my comments to Chappy (above you) you would see the explanation for all that... but I think that you're just being Brain and needling me just for needling's sake.
Have fun in the Castro District on me!
Todd
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