"Lookin' For Love? Todd Speaks!"
Hey everybody! I have a wonderful new idea for all single people on how to hook up with a quality person that you can spend the rest of your life with... and here it is:
Lets say that you like to go to clubs on the weekend, and you get all dressed up and all you meet are drunk idiots (Male and Female) who would like to show you their hip-thrusting attempts at "Dancing" under the beer-goggle-enhancing lights that would send Epileptics into massive seizures. Well, you know what the definition of insanity is, right? "Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results." So, you'd have to be insane to keep doing things the same; going to the club in the same type of attire, looking like a million bucks apparently isn't for you... time to try something different!
Next time you go out to the club, dress like a bum! Seriously... I'm not kidding. Get some of the oldest, most out-dated outfits that you can find; that butterfly-collared paisley jumpsuit? Break it out! That hideous pair of day-glow orange platform shoes your Dad used to rock at Studio 54? Strap those ugly pieces of crap on!! But finding the right clothes is only half the battle... then you need to season them appropriately, you know, for authenticity. You may end up having to hang your whole outfit up on separate hangers, and mist them all ever-so lightly with a 70-30 combination of Gin and sour Milk. Sure, the mix may be a little foul at first, but you'll get used to it... especially after you complete the second phase!
Go five days without brushing your teeth, showering, shaving or combing your hair... and if you exercise, don't stop just because you aren't allowed to shower! Okay, I'll make a small exception to the plan... you're only allowed to wash out of a sink... and even then only at truck stops. That's all you're allowed to do for five days... after all, you're trying to keep it real, right? Remember when I said you'll get used to the scented mix of Gin and sour Milk? Now you see why! Now it's time to don your homeless garb and borrow your friends 1979 Ford Fairmont Station Wagon (don't forget to fill the backseat and trunk area with assorted plastic trash-bags full of clothes and trash... we're aiming for realism here, folks) and head off to the club! You may also want to put a little puke on your outfit as well... but that's up to you.
Now you have to get into the club... but that shouldn't be too hard, just tell the Bouncer at the door that you just came from a themed party, and the rest of your friends are on the way... you just showed up first to get a table ready. If all else fails, give him some of your money in the forms of assorted pocket-change, Food Stamps and crinkled, dirty singles. He'll let you in just to get the smell away from him. Once inside you need to survey the room in a casual, yet purposeful way... you know, the way you pretended to be in the 7-11 to look at magazines, but you were really there to get rubbers.
After surveying the club, find a person that you could at least have a halfway decent conversation with. Don't go for someone who looks like they're fresh out of the gym or fashion magazines... they're too self-absorbed to hold a meaningful conversation with anyone but a SpongeBob Squarepants Foot-stool. Find a person who doesn't have a look on their face that says, "I hope the next guy that takes me home isn't into Scat films!" not only are they creepy, they never stop calling and leave eerie messages on your answering machine for months after you last saw them. Also, avoid anybody who's dressed like a Goth in one form or another... in fact, avoid anyone dressed in the fashions of the mid-to-late 80's. They're either eager to get back at a parent or they're into cutting themselves and reciting horrible poetry at Open Mic Nights... and nobody needs that.
Once you've seen the perfect person for you, sit down and have a good conversation on any subject and stay upbeat and be as funny as you can; people like funny. If this person isn't pinching their nose or constantly backing up to get away from your foul reek, you've found a person not fixated on physical appearance and is actually having a conversation with you, and not with your appearance. At the end of the night, be the courteous person that we all know you to be and offer that person a ride home. Now is the time of the final phase, and he/she will be seeing your car/home for the first time. If the person makes light of the situation with a witty joke like, "Well, at least you don't have to drive very far to get home!" you've found a winner! If the person freaks out, screw 'em... they were offered a free ride and chose a cab instead... let 'em go.
If your date has stuck it out this whole time, and not said a single unkind word... and you drop him/her off in front of their house, let them know what you've been doing with the whole "Bum" thing. If this person laughs and says they wondered what was the deal, and they give you their number anyway... congratulations! Next time you see this person, be all cleaned up and washed and this person will be all the more impressed about your appearance than they were in the club... you know, the exact opposite of everyone else that goes to clubs!
And that's about it for "Todd's Insane Idea's"... have a great weekend, everyone!!
Lets say that you like to go to clubs on the weekend, and you get all dressed up and all you meet are drunk idiots (Male and Female) who would like to show you their hip-thrusting attempts at "Dancing" under the beer-goggle-enhancing lights that would send Epileptics into massive seizures. Well, you know what the definition of insanity is, right? "Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results." So, you'd have to be insane to keep doing things the same; going to the club in the same type of attire, looking like a million bucks apparently isn't for you... time to try something different!
Next time you go out to the club, dress like a bum! Seriously... I'm not kidding. Get some of the oldest, most out-dated outfits that you can find; that butterfly-collared paisley jumpsuit? Break it out! That hideous pair of day-glow orange platform shoes your Dad used to rock at Studio 54? Strap those ugly pieces of crap on!! But finding the right clothes is only half the battle... then you need to season them appropriately, you know, for authenticity. You may end up having to hang your whole outfit up on separate hangers, and mist them all ever-so lightly with a 70-30 combination of Gin and sour Milk. Sure, the mix may be a little foul at first, but you'll get used to it... especially after you complete the second phase!
Go five days without brushing your teeth, showering, shaving or combing your hair... and if you exercise, don't stop just because you aren't allowed to shower! Okay, I'll make a small exception to the plan... you're only allowed to wash out of a sink... and even then only at truck stops. That's all you're allowed to do for five days... after all, you're trying to keep it real, right? Remember when I said you'll get used to the scented mix of Gin and sour Milk? Now you see why! Now it's time to don your homeless garb and borrow your friends 1979 Ford Fairmont Station Wagon (don't forget to fill the backseat and trunk area with assorted plastic trash-bags full of clothes and trash... we're aiming for realism here, folks) and head off to the club! You may also want to put a little puke on your outfit as well... but that's up to you.
Now you have to get into the club... but that shouldn't be too hard, just tell the Bouncer at the door that you just came from a themed party, and the rest of your friends are on the way... you just showed up first to get a table ready. If all else fails, give him some of your money in the forms of assorted pocket-change, Food Stamps and crinkled, dirty singles. He'll let you in just to get the smell away from him. Once inside you need to survey the room in a casual, yet purposeful way... you know, the way you pretended to be in the 7-11 to look at magazines, but you were really there to get rubbers.
After surveying the club, find a person that you could at least have a halfway decent conversation with. Don't go for someone who looks like they're fresh out of the gym or fashion magazines... they're too self-absorbed to hold a meaningful conversation with anyone but a SpongeBob Squarepants Foot-stool. Find a person who doesn't have a look on their face that says, "I hope the next guy that takes me home isn't into Scat films!" not only are they creepy, they never stop calling and leave eerie messages on your answering machine for months after you last saw them. Also, avoid anybody who's dressed like a Goth in one form or another... in fact, avoid anyone dressed in the fashions of the mid-to-late 80's. They're either eager to get back at a parent or they're into cutting themselves and reciting horrible poetry at Open Mic Nights... and nobody needs that.
Once you've seen the perfect person for you, sit down and have a good conversation on any subject and stay upbeat and be as funny as you can; people like funny. If this person isn't pinching their nose or constantly backing up to get away from your foul reek, you've found a person not fixated on physical appearance and is actually having a conversation with you, and not with your appearance. At the end of the night, be the courteous person that we all know you to be and offer that person a ride home. Now is the time of the final phase, and he/she will be seeing your car/home for the first time. If the person makes light of the situation with a witty joke like, "Well, at least you don't have to drive very far to get home!" you've found a winner! If the person freaks out, screw 'em... they were offered a free ride and chose a cab instead... let 'em go.
If your date has stuck it out this whole time, and not said a single unkind word... and you drop him/her off in front of their house, let them know what you've been doing with the whole "Bum" thing. If this person laughs and says they wondered what was the deal, and they give you their number anyway... congratulations! Next time you see this person, be all cleaned up and washed and this person will be all the more impressed about your appearance than they were in the club... you know, the exact opposite of everyone else that goes to clubs!
And that's about it for "Todd's Insane Idea's"... have a great weekend, everyone!!
posted by Todd Tobin at 12:57 PM
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