"Sports: A Homo-Erotic Journey?"

Sports are the only events where it’s completely okay to touch another man’s ass and not be called gay by a group of your peers. Think about it: You finish filing a report, and hand it in to your supervisor, who says, “Way to hustle on that 1149 A-1, Johnson.” And slaps you on the ass while winking at you… if that isn’t the gayest thing that you’ve ever experienced, you probably spend a lot of time hanging out at “The Stud”, a leather bar in the Castro District of San Francisco and have a preference for nipple rings, open-crotch leather chaps and tight leather vests… and don’t forget the “Daddy” cap. They're kind of part of the set.

It’s also the only profession besides comedy or hosting a talk show where people applaud you for simply doing your job. How creepy would it be to have a crowd of people cheering you on as you do your job as a Mortician? “Gimme a ‘G’, gimme an ‘A’, gimme a ‘N’, gimme a ‘GRENE’…. GAAAANNNNGRRREEEEENE!!! Gangrene, Gangrene may be gross, but Rigor Mortis will be toast!!!” Disturbing, I know… but what’s even more disturbing? I think up this shit without any outside input.

Sports are homoerotic by their very natures, especially a game like Football… where you wait in line to pay for a giant, foot-long hotdog that only Dirk Diggler and Long Dong Silver could appreciate, and get drunk on cheap beer while watching huge, muscular, sweaty men slam their bodies together. If all that is fun in your mind, you can find the same amount of entertainment at your local Chippendales… and bring a lot of singles… those dudes like singles, … or so I hear.

Sports are fun to watch, I admit, from time to time. But to me, the people that prop up the athletics business are always going to be the guys who were on the JV Football team in Junior High and never got over the feeling of being the MVP for a brief moment. I think that it’s a fun way to get some exercise, but the bulk of the fans (no pun intended) are a bunch of fat asses who just like to sit on the couch and watch the tube… so, as you may imagine, exercise is the least of their concerns. I view watching sports as the equivalent of watching a porno when you have a girl right next to you in bed who wants to do things to you that would get you caned in Singapore… and jerking off instead.

Overall, watching sports can be fun… as long as they get rid of those dumb-ass “Color Commentators”. Who the hell needs someone to point out shit that we all just saw? Did I miss something to complain about? Feel free to write me and let me know what you think.

And that’s it for this installment of “Todd’s Weird Crap In His Head”…