"The Office Mantras"
I have an Office Job, and I felt that I could write a little section of positivity and encouragement to my fellow office drones, and here is a sampler of what kind of statements and questions that I'll be dealing with (Now, with 200% more Solutions!):
1.) “Why am I here? Am I waiting for something better?”
Solution: Here we see a gentle soul on a fulcrum of indecision due to an existential quandary found often in crappy jobs that are of their own making. One has but to realize this, and implement a step-based system of change (In the case of these guys, a twelve-step program often helps, since full-blown alcoholism has already set in) and do what they want with their life.
But first, you have to realize that all that flowery, philosophical shit that I just said was,
basically, euphamistic language disguising the bluntness and honesty that you need... so here it goes: If you don't like your job, leave. No one has chained you to that desk, (but if they have, let me know how kinky it is... I'm willing to experiment) and no one else is holding you back... the only person doing that is you, and you're apparently a pro at it. Office jobs have their fun moments, like the Holiday Parties, feeling up the Temp during Karaoke Night at the Bar and the occassional piece of cake for someone's Birthday, but for the most part you are in a job field that is largely thankless. So either move on to a more interesting job, or just bite your lip and take it like a man... like most of the guy's in the States custody do everyday.
2.) “You know, sometimes I really hate this job.”
Solution: You know, you really hate your job all of the time, you just fool yourself about how you feel about it some of the time. So, since you have trouble mustering the balls to help yourself, I’ve come up with a plan: Go to work, tell your boss that he can either make your job more fun and interesting or you’ll quit. He’ll refuse to fix anything, being that he doesn’t have the authority or skills necessary to make said changes, and you’ll be asked to clean out you’re cubicle… but first! Shake your boss’ hand and thank him for the opportunity of working in a soul-crushing, health-draining, initiative-lacking, common-sense-sapping pit of hell with no hope of advancement while whipping it out and pissing all over him like he was a 16 year old girl, and you’re R. Kelly. Otherwise, I hear that Jack in The Box is hiring… and you’ll be too busy making Sourdough Jacks to have the time to contemplate how much you hate it there. It may be just the thing that you’re looking for… another thankless job. But this time, without Benefits!
3.) “I didn’t get a Bachelor Degree just to do this shit!”
Solution: Yes, you did… you sniveling prick. Why do you go to school to get a Degree in the first place? So that you don’t end up digging ditches for CalTrans like the rest of the unemployable assholes in your town, that’s why. So please, quit bitching about how your Degree should somehow, as if by magic, entitle you to the easiest, coolest jobs in the universe. This is one of the biggest problems that many people without Degrees have to deal with when it comes to having these so-called “Educated” co-workers… a snooty asswipe who thinks that he’s more important than anyone else just because he knows who the Roman Poet Ausonius is. Most people hate their jobs, but they still go to them everyday (usually with minimal whining)… so walk it off, turn in that TPS Report and shut the fuck up.
4.) “At my last job, I never had to do this kind of stuff.”
Solution: Yeah? Well, you’re not at that job anymore, moron… and if you liked that job so much, why in the hell are you here… for shits and giggles? That’s your problem… the grass is always greener somewhere else when the problem isn’t your job… it’s you. You always sign on to a new job, develop friends in the workplace and have a excellent record of working hard… until about two years later, and you start to reminisce about how great it was at your old job through the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia. Try thinking about all the reasons for why you’ve left all of the jobs that you’ve ever had and think about the job you have now… isn’t it better than having drunks yell at you for having to lock the Beer Section off at exactly 2 AM? That’s what I thought… now get back in there and file... file like the wind!
And there it is, folks... a heaping pile of honesty with a side of that bitch-slap that your Mom used to give you to remind you that you're smart enough to know better than to complain about something that you could change all on your own if you just summoned the necessary amount of spine to do so. I figured that if I made you laugh at this stuff, it would help you to realize that your job only sucks when you're unhappy with it... so make fun of it! You'll feel better about it that way. Have a great weekend, everyone...
1.) “Why am I here? Am I waiting for something better?”
Solution: Here we see a gentle soul on a fulcrum of indecision due to an existential quandary found often in crappy jobs that are of their own making. One has but to realize this, and implement a step-based system of change (In the case of these guys, a twelve-step program often helps, since full-blown alcoholism has already set in) and do what they want with their life.
But first, you have to realize that all that flowery, philosophical shit that I just said was,
basically, euphamistic language disguising the bluntness and honesty that you need... so here it goes: If you don't like your job, leave. No one has chained you to that desk, (but if they have, let me know how kinky it is... I'm willing to experiment) and no one else is holding you back... the only person doing that is you, and you're apparently a pro at it. Office jobs have their fun moments, like the Holiday Parties, feeling up the Temp during Karaoke Night at the Bar and the occassional piece of cake for someone's Birthday, but for the most part you are in a job field that is largely thankless. So either move on to a more interesting job, or just bite your lip and take it like a man... like most of the guy's in the States custody do everyday.
2.) “You know, sometimes I really hate this job.”
Solution: You know, you really hate your job all of the time, you just fool yourself about how you feel about it some of the time. So, since you have trouble mustering the balls to help yourself, I’ve come up with a plan: Go to work, tell your boss that he can either make your job more fun and interesting or you’ll quit. He’ll refuse to fix anything, being that he doesn’t have the authority or skills necessary to make said changes, and you’ll be asked to clean out you’re cubicle… but first! Shake your boss’ hand and thank him for the opportunity of working in a soul-crushing, health-draining, initiative-lacking, common-sense-sapping pit of hell with no hope of advancement while whipping it out and pissing all over him like he was a 16 year old girl, and you’re R. Kelly. Otherwise, I hear that Jack in The Box is hiring… and you’ll be too busy making Sourdough Jacks to have the time to contemplate how much you hate it there. It may be just the thing that you’re looking for… another thankless job. But this time, without Benefits!
3.) “I didn’t get a Bachelor Degree just to do this shit!”
Solution: Yes, you did… you sniveling prick. Why do you go to school to get a Degree in the first place? So that you don’t end up digging ditches for CalTrans like the rest of the unemployable assholes in your town, that’s why. So please, quit bitching about how your Degree should somehow, as if by magic, entitle you to the easiest, coolest jobs in the universe. This is one of the biggest problems that many people without Degrees have to deal with when it comes to having these so-called “Educated” co-workers… a snooty asswipe who thinks that he’s more important than anyone else just because he knows who the Roman Poet Ausonius is. Most people hate their jobs, but they still go to them everyday (usually with minimal whining)… so walk it off, turn in that TPS Report and shut the fuck up.
4.) “At my last job, I never had to do this kind of stuff.”
Solution: Yeah? Well, you’re not at that job anymore, moron… and if you liked that job so much, why in the hell are you here… for shits and giggles? That’s your problem… the grass is always greener somewhere else when the problem isn’t your job… it’s you. You always sign on to a new job, develop friends in the workplace and have a excellent record of working hard… until about two years later, and you start to reminisce about how great it was at your old job through the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia. Try thinking about all the reasons for why you’ve left all of the jobs that you’ve ever had and think about the job you have now… isn’t it better than having drunks yell at you for having to lock the Beer Section off at exactly 2 AM? That’s what I thought… now get back in there and file... file like the wind!
And there it is, folks... a heaping pile of honesty with a side of that bitch-slap that your Mom used to give you to remind you that you're smart enough to know better than to complain about something that you could change all on your own if you just summoned the necessary amount of spine to do so. I figured that if I made you laugh at this stuff, it would help you to realize that your job only sucks when you're unhappy with it... so make fun of it! You'll feel better about it that way. Have a great weekend, everyone...
posted by Todd Tobin at 8:08 AM
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