"Single De Mayo Relationship Advice"
Hey everybody, I decided to celebrate my one-year anniversary of being a lonely, destitute single white guy by giving advice that nobody wants!
Tee Hee!
1.) I think that we all should know this by now, but the drunken phone call after a break-up is a bad choice. And yes, slightly drunk is still too drunk to call. I actually thought about doing a segment for this Blog about the break-up of a relationship at one point, but I couldn’t get Kristi to call me back. I think that she figured that I was drunk and trying to get back together with her, (which I wasn’t… trying to get back with her) and that’s why she didn’t call me back… at all. I was genuinely trying to get a hold of a variety of my Ex’s, but I couldn’t get them to reply. Of course, thinking back on it, I think that I have an ego that’s possibly too fragile to hear the truth, although in the case of Kristi I knew where she stood with the ending of our relationship, but I wanted to write it down/record it straight from her so that I didn’t paraphrase or make any mistakes in the translation to paper. Maybe in a couple of years I’ll try again, when it’s not so fresh in her mind.
2.) It’s a good idea to spend a good, long time alone after a break-up. I’ve noticed that most people go from relationship to relationship to the point that their personalities become malleable like Silly-Putty. I think of it a lot like getting sober from a drug like alcohol or quitting cigarettes: You find out who you are after the addiction really hits you, and you struggle against yourself to not do something stupid, like, I don’t know… getting drunk and calling your Ex. Much of our personalities are made up not from our experiences with other people in relationships, but who we are when we’re alone… that’s really who you are. You’ll do things alone in your apartment that you’d never do in a million years around friends or family, such as walking around naked, screaming at your computer for not being fast enough, masturbating to episodes of Dirty Jobs or trying to make love to a stuffed animal. The key is to find someone that accepts you for the socially functional retard that you are on the inside.
3.) There’s such a thing as too much time alone, though. There is a limit to how much time that you should take, though. I’ve known guys that have been so crushed by a bad relationship that they became hermits; hiding in their house, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything that may result in him running into his Ex. I have been one of those guys myself, after the breakup with a girl I dated 4 years ago. To this day, I still think that dating a woman who drives a Silver car is a doomed endeavor. Each time I’ve dated a woman with a Silver car, guess what’s happened? I’m sure you can fill in the blanks… but seriously, spending too much time alone can lead to a lot of detrimental behavior, such as excessive drinking and social anxiety. Try going out to a generally public place once and a while, such as a park, and walk around to clear your head.
4.) Try not to date people you meet in bars or clubs. Reason being? At one point you’ll find that you’ve banged one man/woman in nearly every club in town, and the last thing you need is to run into an Ex when all you’re trying to do is relax and enjoy a beer with some friends, am I right? I’ve been seriously considering moving to another city recently mainly because of that, and I’m not kidding. I ran into two chicks that I’d seriously dated over the course of two years in the same bar ten minutes apart… thank God they didn’t know each other, or I’d have never heard the end of it. To this day, I refuse to go to that bar, out of the likelihood that I’ll run into either of them again. I know that some people may be thinking that I’m being neurotic about that, but I can’t tell you how uncomfortable that can be for both people.
5.) If you’re not ready for a relationship, just end it. If, while you’re dating someone and you realize that you still need some more time to yourself, just leave the relationship before you get into sexual intimacy, which will only make things more awkward and difficult for both of you. I was dating a really cool woman named Nicc not too long back, and I realized this about myself, and I just stopped calling her. Sure, it may seem harsh, but we both had more then enough stuff going on in our lives without me throwing all of my personal crap on top of it. What I’m saying here is that you have to be fair with yourself and your partner and spare each other the therapy bills, alright? On the other hand, if you’re really trying to weasel your way out of a relationship because you don’t have the balls to tell the other person that you’ve been dating someone else behind their back, you’re on you own.
6.) Be honest with yourself. At one point in your life, it’s probably a good idea to sit down and start to write three lists. The first is Fears, the second is things that make you happy and the third are things that worry you. Don’t write things on the list that you would write that other people would want to read, write the truth. If you’re afraid of the responsibility of being a Father or Mother, write it down. If having someone truly knows everything about you that accepts and loves you regardless worries you, write it down. And if having your partner pee on you in the shower is the happiest moment in your life, write it down. The biggest problem that I’ve encountered in relationships is that people don’t really sit down and face themselves and all their personal faults. I know my faults due to a lot of time by myself, and I recommend that other people do the same. At the same time, however, not all of your personal faults are necessarily entirely bad. I’m kind of a loner, but at least when I’m alone, I write or work on my art commissions and personal art projects. If I weren’t a loner, I wouldn’t have made that extra money and attained a certain level of proficiency with English Grammar… so it works for me.
7.) And finally, if you suck in bed, educate yourself. This is a common complaint by lots of people, men and women that can easily be fixed if you just put out the effort to correct it. There are books and videos on Sex Ed that you can order or buy from bookstores and internet sites if you’re too nervous to be seen in public. There’s no excuse nowadays to be a lousy lay, folks. And to all the pretty people out there: At one point, your looks aren’t enough. Just being in good physical shape isn’t enough… you have to have technique and a “Finishing Move” to make your mark. My Ex’s will vouch for my abilities (if they ever looked at this Blog), and I’m not bragging. I learned what I learned from reading books, watching porn movies and by paying attention to what the woman that I was with at the time’s liked. If you’re not selfish in bed, and your partner can tell you what they like, you should see improvement almost immediately… but only if your partner is honest. The problem is that a lot of the times, most people don’t really have enough experience to know what they like in bed, and this is where the confusion begins. If you want to experiment in the bedroom, and you’re comfortable with your partner, just remember: “The Safe Word is Banana…”
Have a great weekend, everyone.
Todd
Tee Hee!
1.) I think that we all should know this by now, but the drunken phone call after a break-up is a bad choice. And yes, slightly drunk is still too drunk to call. I actually thought about doing a segment for this Blog about the break-up of a relationship at one point, but I couldn’t get Kristi to call me back. I think that she figured that I was drunk and trying to get back together with her, (which I wasn’t… trying to get back with her) and that’s why she didn’t call me back… at all. I was genuinely trying to get a hold of a variety of my Ex’s, but I couldn’t get them to reply. Of course, thinking back on it, I think that I have an ego that’s possibly too fragile to hear the truth, although in the case of Kristi I knew where she stood with the ending of our relationship, but I wanted to write it down/record it straight from her so that I didn’t paraphrase or make any mistakes in the translation to paper. Maybe in a couple of years I’ll try again, when it’s not so fresh in her mind.
2.) It’s a good idea to spend a good, long time alone after a break-up. I’ve noticed that most people go from relationship to relationship to the point that their personalities become malleable like Silly-Putty. I think of it a lot like getting sober from a drug like alcohol or quitting cigarettes: You find out who you are after the addiction really hits you, and you struggle against yourself to not do something stupid, like, I don’t know… getting drunk and calling your Ex. Much of our personalities are made up not from our experiences with other people in relationships, but who we are when we’re alone… that’s really who you are. You’ll do things alone in your apartment that you’d never do in a million years around friends or family, such as walking around naked, screaming at your computer for not being fast enough, masturbating to episodes of Dirty Jobs or trying to make love to a stuffed animal. The key is to find someone that accepts you for the socially functional retard that you are on the inside.
3.) There’s such a thing as too much time alone, though. There is a limit to how much time that you should take, though. I’ve known guys that have been so crushed by a bad relationship that they became hermits; hiding in their house, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything that may result in him running into his Ex. I have been one of those guys myself, after the breakup with a girl I dated 4 years ago. To this day, I still think that dating a woman who drives a Silver car is a doomed endeavor. Each time I’ve dated a woman with a Silver car, guess what’s happened? I’m sure you can fill in the blanks… but seriously, spending too much time alone can lead to a lot of detrimental behavior, such as excessive drinking and social anxiety. Try going out to a generally public place once and a while, such as a park, and walk around to clear your head.
4.) Try not to date people you meet in bars or clubs. Reason being? At one point you’ll find that you’ve banged one man/woman in nearly every club in town, and the last thing you need is to run into an Ex when all you’re trying to do is relax and enjoy a beer with some friends, am I right? I’ve been seriously considering moving to another city recently mainly because of that, and I’m not kidding. I ran into two chicks that I’d seriously dated over the course of two years in the same bar ten minutes apart… thank God they didn’t know each other, or I’d have never heard the end of it. To this day, I refuse to go to that bar, out of the likelihood that I’ll run into either of them again. I know that some people may be thinking that I’m being neurotic about that, but I can’t tell you how uncomfortable that can be for both people.
5.) If you’re not ready for a relationship, just end it. If, while you’re dating someone and you realize that you still need some more time to yourself, just leave the relationship before you get into sexual intimacy, which will only make things more awkward and difficult for both of you. I was dating a really cool woman named Nicc not too long back, and I realized this about myself, and I just stopped calling her. Sure, it may seem harsh, but we both had more then enough stuff going on in our lives without me throwing all of my personal crap on top of it. What I’m saying here is that you have to be fair with yourself and your partner and spare each other the therapy bills, alright? On the other hand, if you’re really trying to weasel your way out of a relationship because you don’t have the balls to tell the other person that you’ve been dating someone else behind their back, you’re on you own.
6.) Be honest with yourself. At one point in your life, it’s probably a good idea to sit down and start to write three lists. The first is Fears, the second is things that make you happy and the third are things that worry you. Don’t write things on the list that you would write that other people would want to read, write the truth. If you’re afraid of the responsibility of being a Father or Mother, write it down. If having someone truly knows everything about you that accepts and loves you regardless worries you, write it down. And if having your partner pee on you in the shower is the happiest moment in your life, write it down. The biggest problem that I’ve encountered in relationships is that people don’t really sit down and face themselves and all their personal faults. I know my faults due to a lot of time by myself, and I recommend that other people do the same. At the same time, however, not all of your personal faults are necessarily entirely bad. I’m kind of a loner, but at least when I’m alone, I write or work on my art commissions and personal art projects. If I weren’t a loner, I wouldn’t have made that extra money and attained a certain level of proficiency with English Grammar… so it works for me.
7.) And finally, if you suck in bed, educate yourself. This is a common complaint by lots of people, men and women that can easily be fixed if you just put out the effort to correct it. There are books and videos on Sex Ed that you can order or buy from bookstores and internet sites if you’re too nervous to be seen in public. There’s no excuse nowadays to be a lousy lay, folks. And to all the pretty people out there: At one point, your looks aren’t enough. Just being in good physical shape isn’t enough… you have to have technique and a “Finishing Move” to make your mark. My Ex’s will vouch for my abilities (if they ever looked at this Blog), and I’m not bragging. I learned what I learned from reading books, watching porn movies and by paying attention to what the woman that I was with at the time’s liked. If you’re not selfish in bed, and your partner can tell you what they like, you should see improvement almost immediately… but only if your partner is honest. The problem is that a lot of the times, most people don’t really have enough experience to know what they like in bed, and this is where the confusion begins. If you want to experiment in the bedroom, and you’re comfortable with your partner, just remember: “The Safe Word is Banana…”
Have a great weekend, everyone.
Todd
posted by Todd Tobin at 4:28 PM
1 Comments:
Oh man you bring a smile to my face... and to my heart when I laugh out loud to what you write...
Banana?? What the hell?
Once again very well thought out.
Don't be expecting others to use their heads though... that is the problem with the world. It is the dumb leading the dumb... people don't reflect. It is always the other persons faults that make any relationship not work... if only life were just like you wrote it down, unfortunately though I don't think people will actually listen...
Once again Todd you have made my day... Take care you!
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