"All Aboard The USS Tranny!"
The one thing that you will always experience while being a Sailor is the creepy consistency of the international presence of the Tranny. Now, if you haven’t been hipped to it before, I will explain what a Tranny is: A Tranny (slang for Transsexuals) is a man (typically, but not exclusively) that is so fascinated with being a woman that he chooses to dress like and put make-up on in order to appear more like a woman. The main reason that a sailor must be weary of this type of person is the simple fact that you are dealing with a person that can probably kick your ass if you start haggling over the prices of “her” services. The tell-tale signs are a slightly husky voice, muscular shoulders, stubble and of course, the hallmark of all men: The Adam’s apple. Now, if you’re so drunk that you can’t pay attention to something as obvious as the above noted things, than I doubt that you care about the fact that your date for the evening has balls.
But, don’t get all pissed if your “date” turns out to be a man when you figure it out for yourself. After all, that dude thought that you were cool with it to begin with. When you go to bed with a chick that looks like Miss Universe, you shouldn’t be surprised that she’s packing more meat than your local deli, for Christ’s sake. When we were in Navy Boot Camp in Great Lakes, Great Mistakes, Illinois we got to hear a horror story about this dude named John Perkins from Florida who experienced a particularly gruesome attack by a Tranny that rolled him and then had a little fun raping him, with the aid of the Tranny’s two large friends. Of course that wasn’t enough humiliation, so he put a beer bottle up Perkins’ backside and shattered it with a baseball bat. The last the Petty Officer heard, Perkins was surviving in a hospital on a constant stream of pain killers and a colostomy bag.
All the stories I’ve heard aren’t all tragic or horrifying, however. I saw one myself, hanging out with my Uncle in a bar in Santa Cruz, CA a couple of years ago. There was this blonde kid that just turned 21, so his friends decided to take him out on the town, going from bar to bar down Pacific Ave in Downtown Santa Cruz. The Blue Lagoon isn’t a Gay bar exclusively, but there are a lot of Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals and Trannies that hang out there regularly. My Uncle was a regular and I used to go with him to the Blue since it was a cool place with good music and funny bartenders.
This kid, however, wasn’t a regular… so he didn’t know what type of bar it was, and his friends took advantage of that fact. I saw the group of guys go the back of the bar where the dance floor is and have some fun dancing for a while, and when the 21 year old came back; he had “Jessica”, a well-known Tranny, under his right arm. Now, in the defense of this kid, Jessica is a pretty convincing example of why some guys are fooled; very petite, with a boob job, long natural hair and a cute face. Everyone who goes to that bar regularly knows that Jessica’s really a guy, but they figured, “Hell, maybe he’s into that kind of thing,” and left them alone.
Two hours later, my Uncle and I see the kid making out with Jessica for a couple of minutes in the corner closest to the entrance. His friends are nowhere to be seen, in fact, we haven’t seen them in over an hour… so I turn to see if the kid knows that his friends ditched him, but he’s gone. And so is Jessica. Me and my Uncle are cracking up, along with a Sal, one of the bartenders. Ten minutes later, the kid comes back in, pale as a sheet and sweating profusely. He looks at the bartenders, and then at the regulars sitting at the bar and yells, “What, you can’t let a guy know?!” We all start laughing, and I call the kid over to the bar. Sal leans on the bar and says, “Honey, you look like you could use a drink,” places a beer and a shot of Jager one the bar and says, “Don’t worry, it’s on the house.”
The kid looks at me and asks, “So, how long have you known that Jessica is a guy?” I chuckle and tell him, “The moment after I asked Sal what her name was.” The kid then asks, “What’s her name?” I tell him, “Jesse, he’s originally from Campbell, outside of San Jose. At least, that’s what he told me... don’t feel bad man, I’ve seen guys fooled by Trannies before. Rarely do they look anywhere near as authentic as Jess. Besides, if you check back with him in a couple of months he’ll officially be a chick; he’s been undergoing the hormonal therapy you have to take before the sex-change surgery.” The kid started laughing, and said, “Man, now I don’t feel so bad about it.”He ended up hanging out with us at the bar every time he came Downtown after that, and still talked to Jessica, but only as friends. I think it takes a man that is very comfortable with his sexuality and has a strong ego to find out something like that and laugh it off. Hell, we’d all be hard pressed not to be psychologically scarred by finding out something that creepy. But, life goes on… and the weird experiences keep rolling in. So the next time you’re in a bar and you see a chick who’s talking about sports stats with a bunch of guys, just say no to Trannies, watch Sports Center, finish your beer and go home.
But, don’t get all pissed if your “date” turns out to be a man when you figure it out for yourself. After all, that dude thought that you were cool with it to begin with. When you go to bed with a chick that looks like Miss Universe, you shouldn’t be surprised that she’s packing more meat than your local deli, for Christ’s sake. When we were in Navy Boot Camp in Great Lakes, Great Mistakes, Illinois we got to hear a horror story about this dude named John Perkins from Florida who experienced a particularly gruesome attack by a Tranny that rolled him and then had a little fun raping him, with the aid of the Tranny’s two large friends. Of course that wasn’t enough humiliation, so he put a beer bottle up Perkins’ backside and shattered it with a baseball bat. The last the Petty Officer heard, Perkins was surviving in a hospital on a constant stream of pain killers and a colostomy bag.
All the stories I’ve heard aren’t all tragic or horrifying, however. I saw one myself, hanging out with my Uncle in a bar in Santa Cruz, CA a couple of years ago. There was this blonde kid that just turned 21, so his friends decided to take him out on the town, going from bar to bar down Pacific Ave in Downtown Santa Cruz. The Blue Lagoon isn’t a Gay bar exclusively, but there are a lot of Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals and Trannies that hang out there regularly. My Uncle was a regular and I used to go with him to the Blue since it was a cool place with good music and funny bartenders.
This kid, however, wasn’t a regular… so he didn’t know what type of bar it was, and his friends took advantage of that fact. I saw the group of guys go the back of the bar where the dance floor is and have some fun dancing for a while, and when the 21 year old came back; he had “Jessica”, a well-known Tranny, under his right arm. Now, in the defense of this kid, Jessica is a pretty convincing example of why some guys are fooled; very petite, with a boob job, long natural hair and a cute face. Everyone who goes to that bar regularly knows that Jessica’s really a guy, but they figured, “Hell, maybe he’s into that kind of thing,” and left them alone.
Two hours later, my Uncle and I see the kid making out with Jessica for a couple of minutes in the corner closest to the entrance. His friends are nowhere to be seen, in fact, we haven’t seen them in over an hour… so I turn to see if the kid knows that his friends ditched him, but he’s gone. And so is Jessica. Me and my Uncle are cracking up, along with a Sal, one of the bartenders. Ten minutes later, the kid comes back in, pale as a sheet and sweating profusely. He looks at the bartenders, and then at the regulars sitting at the bar and yells, “What, you can’t let a guy know?!” We all start laughing, and I call the kid over to the bar. Sal leans on the bar and says, “Honey, you look like you could use a drink,” places a beer and a shot of Jager one the bar and says, “Don’t worry, it’s on the house.”
The kid looks at me and asks, “So, how long have you known that Jessica is a guy?” I chuckle and tell him, “The moment after I asked Sal what her name was.” The kid then asks, “What’s her name?” I tell him, “Jesse, he’s originally from Campbell, outside of San Jose. At least, that’s what he told me... don’t feel bad man, I’ve seen guys fooled by Trannies before. Rarely do they look anywhere near as authentic as Jess. Besides, if you check back with him in a couple of months he’ll officially be a chick; he’s been undergoing the hormonal therapy you have to take before the sex-change surgery.” The kid started laughing, and said, “Man, now I don’t feel so bad about it.”He ended up hanging out with us at the bar every time he came Downtown after that, and still talked to Jessica, but only as friends. I think it takes a man that is very comfortable with his sexuality and has a strong ego to find out something like that and laugh it off. Hell, we’d all be hard pressed not to be psychologically scarred by finding out something that creepy. But, life goes on… and the weird experiences keep rolling in. So the next time you’re in a bar and you see a chick who’s talking about sports stats with a bunch of guys, just say no to Trannies, watch Sports Center, finish your beer and go home.
posted by Todd Tobin at 1:49 PM
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