"Bumper Stickers... The Final Frontier"

Ahhh, Bumper Stickers, what other way would be more perfect for displaying your idiocy to complete strangers? As is turns out, there is a reason for the stickers being on the rear bumper of the car, after all, what better place to put something that makes you look like an ass? Take the “Calvin Pissing” stickers, for instance. If you haven’t seen these before, consider yourself lucky. For those of us that have however, there are two responses: “Man, that’s funny” or, “I hope that moron hits a pole”. This sticker has many, many variations including, but not limited to: Calvin pissing on car company emblems, NASCAR numbers, Osama bin Laden, and various flags. There’s even one of Calvin with a SOMBRARO! Great, this is what we need: importing hicks from across the border! As if we didn’t have enough here already! And you want to hear the funny thing about this sticker? The people from the middle of nowhere that refer to Gays getting married as, “An Abomination in the eyes of God” and whined about “Decency” and “Family Values” the loudest when Janet Jackson’s boob popped out have no problem having a sticker of a little kid pissing on the back of their El Camino. To counter this recent insurgency of Bumper Stickers with Calvin dispensing body fluids, I’ve come up with an idea for my own Bumper Sticker! A small cartoon of me taking a dump with a look on my face that says “I just did a no-no”.
But alas, that is just one kind of sticker in a sea of stupidity. Now, I have no problem with feminists, my Mom is a feminist (wow, I never thought of that before… that explains a lot), and I understand that women are trying to, “cut their own wedge out of the pie of respect that is the Patriarchal Testocracy” or whatever, but there are a few things that don’t help the cause, and Bumper Stickers are at the top of that list. Take the Bumper Sticker bearing the phrase, “You say Bitch like it’s a bad thing”. You want to know the reason that many people take the word “Bitch” as an insult? IT IS AN INSULT! Unless you can magically transform into a female dog, the word “Bitch” is what it is! After having seen that Bumper Sticker while my girlfriend and I were going to a movie, I looked over at my independent-minded girl and said, “Well, I didn’t think she was until I saw the Bumper Sticker.” My girlfriend and I were both laughing at that for a couple of minutes, and then we watched an emasculating date movie where the guy is always an idiot and the girl is always an eccentric genius. I came up with an idea for a feminist Bumper Sticker, and it goes like this: “True Equality shouldn’t be about Sex (except when it comes to paying for movies, drinks, sexual contraceptives and weddings)”.
And lastly, I have one final area that I’m going to touch on (although there are dozens of instances that I could bring up) and that last area is: Religion and Politics. If you don’t have an opinion that’s either insightful or entertaining, keep it to yourself. I know that many people voted for Bush/Cheney this last year, but I don’t need to know that you already have a political bias by looking at your car. You could make that sticker funny by putting underneath “Bush/Cheney ‘04: (offer expires November 2nd, 2008)”.
The same can be said for religious people, although this goes specifically out to Christianity (and its various denominations): Please, keep your faith to yourself. I appreciate that many people believe that there is an omni-present daddy-figure, and I respect those who believe enough not to belittle them… so please, enough with the Jesus fish with the words “Truth, Love, Jesus or I Like Spam” in them, alright? Same goes for “My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter” or “Jesus, the Real Thing”. I’ve come up with an idea for another Bumper Sticker of my own for religion: “I’ve been touched by Jesus (at least I think that was the priest’s name)”. My family is Jewish now, but I grew up being an altar boy (insert molestation joke here, ‘cause I know you’re thinking it) and my step-Father has a pretty cool fish placard on his car that has X’s for eyes and the word “Gefilte” inside of it. See the “insightful joke” part of that? That’s funny, even if you don’t know what Gefilte Fish is! It refers to a traditional Jewish meal and pokes fun at the silliness of referring to a biblical story about Jesus’ lunch-making skills on the back of a mini-van!
I know that some people might get offended by these jokes, but in order to enjoy our short stay on this spinning ball of dirt and water, you need to look at the world in a certain light (black or florescent, whatever you like) and see that there are far too many people that take life seriously out there. And these people tend to work at jobs that make others miserable, like the DMV. Imagine how fun getting your license renewed would be if only they served drinks and had a DJ! Sometimes you have to laugh when you see something funny, because as a great man (David Tyree) once said, “You better laugh now, or on the way home it’ll turn into a fart!” And everyone knows it stinks to go on a long car-trip with the guy who has no sense of humor.